The Long Goodbye

Overnight, their world had changed. It arched over her like a rainbow – Prisma Colour
understanding. I could see something flicker in her eyes, a private wondering. In
the mirror, she saw something different and so did I. Her eyes shone so bright
– I wanted to save that light, hold onto it and never let go. And suddenly it
was one of those awkward moments that they had learned to pass and I lived to
anticipate. She couldn’t stop the memories slamming into her. I was a little
girl in the tub, a toddler being held up to the sink, a girl who had forever
stopped short of sitting as my sister did now. Another kiss, precious package,
stolen gift. It would always hold an echo of me. Each time my name was said by
strangers, it felt like a pinprick. Men in suits on their lunch hour or men in
flannel and jeans would walk quickly into that wood. It lay exposed, waiting
for a hand to reach out, a hand that would recognise it and think, Clue. I died, I wanted to tell her.

On the ride back down Route 30, it began to rain. You don’t notice the dead when
they really choose to leave you. It reverberated, this sound, down the long
tunnel of loneliness. And I wondered then – was it the same in heaven as on
Earth? A beautiful gasoline rainbow. It took me a long time to realise what it
was. It’s woven in my soul; forever bound to that one moment. In my eyes,
that’s where my demons hide.

I heard the voice, but could not place it immediately. The Ostracised: One Man
Alone. He had grown used to the ghostly light behind the candle’s flame, that
quivering reflection in the window. He knew and saw things the rest of us
didn’t see. For just a second I could not believe what I was about to do, but
then, with everything in me, I knew. I didn’t want to get too close – I could
sense that it was dark inside. But there was nowhere to hide. I could say
goodbye to them, wish them well, bless them somehow for their good thoughts.
But I was afraid. Goodbyes are final. End. Finito. No going back. And that’s
what I did. Give no story. Make no claim.

On Earth, the snowflakes fell soft and blameless, a curtain descending. The snow
and cold. That morning, the sun was slicing right through the dead stalks as it
rose, but there was no heat from it. By mid-morning, the ground was blanketed
with that white magical stuff we dream of as children. I had only been hurt by
hands past all tenderness. At some point, it began to rain. My mum once told me
that nothing was ever certain. Nothing except death. The one certainty in life
– we will all die someday. I often thought about how the darkness would take
forever to come and with it I always hoped for cool. And, as I crossed that
empty road, I knew. It was time to move on.