Secrets

You didn’t realise what you were doing, the damage you caused by not walking away, by not saying no. There are so many questions I want to ask you, yet I’ll never get the chance. So many things I want to say, yet you’ll never hear them.

I feel like I’ve made a mistake. I keep thinking about you. I care so much about you still. Even though you were cruel, I was in love with you – and I always will be. Sometimes, I remember the good memories we shared, and that’s what messes with my mind.

You were there, standing in my dreams, the man I used to know, the beautiful being I first fell in love with. I thought I’d be afraid, that seeing you would take me back to the place I feared the most. I saw you, a fleeting moment, but long enough for our eyes to meet. You looked at me, sadness marking your eyes, your smile –  one look that triggered my heart. Then, you were gone, the crowds of children carrying you away. I started searching: every corridor, every room, hoping you’d be behind each door, waiting for me. I wanted to tell you how I felt; I wanted you to know that I was still in love with you, that I needed you to you to hold me one last time, to tell me it was going to be ok. I was desperate to make things right between us, for you to say that you’d forgive me, that you didn’t blame me for doing what I did. I hoped you’d tell me that you still loved me, despite everything. I woke up, fell back to reality without the answers, without any closure.

I was so desperate to be saved. Inside, I was breaking, every part of me falling to pieces, and yet you did nothing. My heart was withering, along with our love. And I felt ashamed…ashamed that you had to be with someone as weak as me, with someone who couldn’t deal with life. The past consumed me – the hurt, the pain of what had gone before dictated the person I was. I wanted to be brave, to be courageous, to be the girl you imagined me to be, but I failed.

For so long, you were all I had. Our secret became my life. I pinned everything on you. Running away, getting married, writing stories together until our days were up. You were all I wanted, and I was willing to give it all up for The Dream. 

When I’m alone, consumed by all the dark thoughts whirring around in my head, you appear. You’re the light that guides me through, even though you shouldn’t be. I keep trying to get rid of you, to replace the past with the present, but I can’t. I don’t want you to be there anymore, but I can’t bear to erase you. I tell myself it’s silly, especially after everything you put me through, but my heart doesn’t listen to my head.

You broke me. I wasn’t whole to begin with, but you made it worse. I was under the illusion that you’d help, that you would fix the damaged parts, but you weren’t. I became afraid to talk, to show you the ‘real’ me. I was scared of what you would do, what you would say. Everything I did was wrong. Everything. You were always right, the one with the brilliant ideas, imaginative and creative, the person who everyone loved, who could do whatever he pleased because of the life you had made for yourself.  How could I compare to that?

Will I ever be able to say goodbye, to let go of everything, to wave away all the memories? I should, because the person I knew, the one I loved, that I wanted to give everything I had to, wasn't real. You'll always be a part of me...always. But I don't want to give you the power to ruin my life anymore.