CHAPTER IV: ALESSANDRO

It is our fault, he wanted to scream to Daniel, we did this. Instead, he couldn’t let go of him, he felt safe there, in his arms. He did not know why, but he’d always felt an overwhelmingly excessive feeling of safety around him. He has that effect on me. He kept trying to comfort him. “It is okay, it is all okay. We’re safe now” he whispered in his ear. No, it’s not okay, he thought.

 

He caught a breath, he caught his breath. He wasn’t sobbing as hard anymore. Daniel kept repeating the same phrase over and over to his ear. His voice gave him comfort and dread. What have I let him get me into? My father is dead. The thought of it almost made him sob hard again, but he breathed in really deep and try to stop shaking. He slowly got out of Dan’s embrace. “I’m fine, let me go,” he told him. “I am sorry, I really am. I know he was your father, but don’t you forget what he did to you, all he said to you,” his words struck loudly in his ears even though he was only whispering.

 

“You disgusting piece of shit, you’re an abomination. Get out of my sight!” his father had told him back in Montecarlo. Why did he have to see us? He should never have. The party had been a nightmare after that moment. Though they’d always been very careful, that one time they hadn’t been and it had gone to hell. No one was supposed to be there. Only the two of us. “For the love I bear your father, don’t you dare say a word” his father had told Daniel when he tried to explain. “Ben will hear about this, you’re both disgraces to our names. You are repulsive,” his words hurt hard and deep. Little did he know, Benjamin was the only other person who knew about us.

 

When they were teenagers, Sandro and Daniel used to have sleepovers quite too often and which made Ben suspicious. Their recurrent excuse was that they had lots of homework and they needed to stay up late to finish it. One night when they were seventeen, Benjamin walked in on Daniel down in his knees and with his hand inside Alessandro’s pants. He’s always known how to get me hard. Though, with him, it’s never been that difficult to begin with. It was hard for him not to want to tear Dan’s clothes apart when he saw him, every time he saw him. His eyes hypnotize me, his lips are so addictive. Right before Daniel’s father had walked in, Alessandro hadn’t been able to hold it and passionately kissed Daniel.

 

“I’m sorry, I know it’s early, but I was craving for a kiss.” They would normally wait until early morning to be all over each other. That kiss led to another and another, and before they knew, their t-shirts were off and their lips were still going at it. Daniel tuck is hand into Sandro’s pants without loosening the button or zipping them down and grabbed him, squeezing hard. Their lips still kissing, Sandro gasped. “Someone might walk in,” he’d told Daniel. “I don’t care. You started it, now don’t spoil it,” said Daniel looking into his eyes. God, why does he make me feel this way? He wondered right there, and then. He turned Daniel around and started kissing up his back, up from his lower back to his neck. He bit Daniel’s ear and turned his face to look into his eyes and kissed him. Daniel turned and pushed him towards the bed until Alessandro was there sitting and kissing him hard. Dan looked at him and told him “I know this is not who we are, or what we do, but I have to say it… I love you.” Sandro didn’t say a word, but kissed him. Daniel got on his knees and started kissing him down his neck. He knew that was Alessandro’s weak spot. He, then, kept going down until he got to his chest which he softly bit, a few times. Down he kept going, kissing his abdomen and using his tongue to lick all the way down to his lower abdomen. Daniel unbuttoned Alessandro’s pants and unzipped them. Daniel grabbed Sandro’s cock and softly put his mouth around it. I’ll never be able to give this up, he’d thought back in that moment.

 

Unexpectedly, they heard a sound and they doorknob was turning. They didn’t know what to do; they couldn’t move. Daniel had no time to pull his hand out of Alessandro’s pants. Benjamin opened the door wide, all the way.

 

Benjamin looked at them and did not look surprised at all. Fuck, we’re dead men, Sandro thought. “Daniel, can I see you in my studio?” he said to his son. “Yes, father, right away.” Daniel replied.

 

What had happened during that conversation, Alessandro never dared to ask. All he knew is that from that moment on, it all had changed. Daniel never even cared to lock the door anymore. “Dad’s fine with it. I told him I love you. He said all he wanted was for me to be happy, and if you made me happy, he was fine with it,” was all Daniel had told him after the conversation.

 

Daniel had never been a very open person when it came to feelings. He’d always keep his feelings to himself and that had cause them lots of problems. Alessandro would always complain that Daniel never shared his concerns and his difficulties with him, while all Alessandro did was exactly that, open himself up to him. “You really don’t want to know what’s going on inside me. You won’t like it.” Daniel had, on several occasions, expressed.

 

His mind suddenly stopped wandering through his memories and he realized he was still at the hospital. He was still next to Daniel, his cheeks still wet from tears, tears of guilt. He looked at Daniel. You’re so damn good-looking, he swiftly reflected before his mind went back to his father, his dead father.

 

His relationship with his father had always been a reserved one. They talked strictly about family matters and business matters. They never delved into personal chit-chat. It was something that ran in this family’s veins. They would avoid talking sentiments as hard as they could. It was like holding a thousand-thorned rose stem for them.

 

If it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen, his words still thundered in his ears. This shouldn’t have been meant to happen; it needed never happen.

 

Daniel looked back into his eyes, “Let’s get out of here, I beg you,” he had said. “Being here will do no good to you,” he completed. Alessandro helped himself up with Dan’s hand and pulled himself together as best he could.  They both walked up to the elevator, and called for it.

 

1, 2, 3… the elevator indicated as it made its way up. The doors opened, and there Alessa was. I had forgotten about you. “Sandro,” she said. “Alessa,” he replied in an annoyed manner. “How did this all come to be? We didn’t see it coming, how did we not?” she asked. “Of course you wouldn’t have seen it. You’ve been away, as you’ve always been,” he said, giving her a harsh look. “Sandro, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been so distant, but you’ve got to unders…”, she did not have time as Alessandro interrupted her by saying “No, there is nothing I’ve got to understand. Just go back to where you were; we don’t need you here,” he exclaimed angrily. “Please don’t…” he heard from her as the elevator doors were closing.

 

Alessandro looked at Daniel who looked like he was urging to tell him something. “What is it?” he asked him. “Not a thing, it’s just…” he responded. “It’s just that what? She had it coming”. To what Dan said, “I don’t think you had to be so severe. This is none of her fault nor is it ours.”

 

“Daniel, please, just stop!” he said. “You know it and I know it. It is our fault. All of us were in this,” he completed, sounding irritated. Daniel did not answer. He looked a bit taken aback. This is not who I am, surely I must calm down. I’m hurting him. He took Daniel’s hand and told him, “I’m sorry, I’m being so harsh; I don’t know how to react.”

 

“It’s fine. I understand,” with a concerned look in his face. “We should probably go to my house, no one will bother you there,” Dan completed. “Sure,” Sandro said, “let’s go there.”

 

“I’ll leave my car here,” he said. “Sure, I’ll take you,” his lover replied.

 

The drive there was a swift, uneventful one. They did not say a word. Alessandro looked away through the window. How can it be such a beautiful day and such a horrible one all at once? He reflected once and again as they made their way up the highway. They got to the Turner residence and he noticed his mother’s SUV. What the hell is she doing here? “Isn’t that Christine’s SUV?” Daniel asked. “It is, indeed,” Sandro answered. “What would she be doing here?” he asked. “I wish I knew,” in a curious tone, Alessandro said. “Would you prefer it if we left?” Daniel continued. “Honestly, I’m rather curious as to what my mom’s doing here,” Sandro went on. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Daniel persisted. “Why wouldn’t it be? Is there anything I should know?” Alessandro wondered. “Not at all.” Daniel said as they approached the door.

 

There she was, there was Christine. She was embracing Benjamin. It struck him as weird given that they had never been so close. Why would she be here, of all places?

 

They got off the car and walked up the door. Benjamin was surprised to see them there and let go of Christine. Christine looked dazed, as if she’d seen a ghost. “Alessandro, Daniel, what are you doing here?” Benjamin asked. “Alessandro was not feeling well. I brought him here so he could relax,” Daniel replied. Christine kept quiet, she clearly did not know what to say. “And you mom? What are you doing here?” asked Alessandro, looking at his mother.

 

“I did not know where else to go. I needed to go somewhere no one would ask anything.” Christine responded nervously. What’s the deal with her? She looks incredibly calm now. Sandro could not help but wonder. On a different day, he would’ve confronted her, but this was not the day. He just wanted to take a few sleeping pills and be gone with it until the next day. He nodded at her and Benjamin, and decided not to do it that day.

 

Alessandro and Daniel entered the Turner house. I’ve always loved this house. It’s so beautifully put together, he thought. Everything from the marble floors and pillars, to the oval room you walked into when entering the house. There were stairs on both sides of that room that led to the bedrooms and a stunning balcony that looked over the lushly kept garden of the Turner residence. They made their way up the stairs and Sandro caught a glimpse of the garden. It was spring and all the flowers were in the middle of blossoming. The white and red roses look beautiful this time of the year. I might cut a few for the funeral. As he walked into Daniel’s room he quickly realized he hadn’t been there in a long time. “Why has it been so long since I was last here?” Sandro asked. “I have no idea, do you?” Daniel responded. Sandro made shrug with his shoulders indicating he did not know either. He took off his shoes and laid on Daniel’s bed. “Will you please get me 3 sleeping pills?” he asked Daniel. “Will do.” he replied and left.

 

Was it all really worth it? Has it all really been worth it? I know it was not up to me, but my heart is aching. It is as if it were being eaten by fire, and all that’s being left behind are ashes of the person I aspired to be so I wouldn’t let you down, dad. If it all had been different and I hadn’t been terrified of who I am, of who I’ve always been, I may’ve never disappointed you, I know. I wish you had understood, I wish you had stood by me. I did love you father, I did love you and I’ll never know now if you could have loved me again. I don’t know if you’ll hear these words and I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me and hold me unforsaken in your eyes. I don’t even know if you’re hearing my thoughts, but if you are, I’m your mess of a son, pleading for your forgiveness, tears fell down his temples, and they felt like boiling water burning his skin, as he looked up at the ceiling.

 

Daniel walked in with a glass of water and the pills. Sandro wiped the tears off his face and sat upright. “Is everything okay?” Daniel asked. “It will be.” Alessandro replied. And he laid back down on the bed, Daniel kissed him lightly on the forehead. Alessandro closed his eyes.