BLACK DOG

By KizWiz

Thu, 16 Feb 2012
  • 1436 reads
6 comments
 

He's here again.
Sat at my feet
Blocking the way
Breathing heavily, malcontent.

Drooling oppressive pools
That rise around
Threaten to drown
Any thoughts of hope and clarity.

Useless again.
Unable to tell
The triggers that allow him to be here
Once more

Suffocating breath
With a will to depress all activity
In a world outside
That still turns in tones that shine

And hues that blind.
But not in mine.
Stay in bed
Curtains drawn

Closed for days
As though the night
Melancholic soul staring out.
A soundless shadow that casts no light.

Black Dog will keep vigil
Over this deadlocked mind
Frozen. Numb and void.
At least, for the meantime.

©KizWiz
October 2011

Certificate PG
Poem
POETRY
Journal

Comments

Submitted by scratch on
The thought stream is really good. No doubt regarding the conveyed message. I hope you don't mind this gentle correction? Second line: it should be 'sitting' Fourteenth line: it should be 'standing' Good job overall.

 

Submitted by KizWiz on
Thanks for the feedback, scratch... I purposely kept those tenses to give a sense of immediacy/tension (as in: 'He's sat at my feet' & 'He's stood on my chest') - & also, of never being free from the beast - or at least with occasional respite only. Changing them would dilute the effect & lessen the impact. The Black Dog can't be compliant - it's out of the writer's control... Your comments are much appreciated. K. :o)

KizWiz

Submitted by scratch on
Ok KizWiz. That's perfectly fine in terms of the literary effect and I guessed that that was in fact the poetic intent. If you would indulge me for a moment? In terms of the use of the past tense in both the instances; the way that you have explained in your comment is absolutely fine. But without the pronouns ('He') as occurs in your poem the inference has to be that the dog was literally placed at your feet or on your chest by someone or something, which I guess was not the intention that you had in mind. If you put the pronouns into the poem (which I recommend that you do) it is then grammatically spot on and leaves no room for misinterpretation by bumbling, small brained pedants like me who have nothing better to do with their time! Please remember that this is a personal and subjective opinion about a tiny detail in your already good poem :-))

 

Submitted by KizWiz on
Great comment, scratch. Thanks again :o)

KizWiz

Submitted by shyrewode on
Excellent writing. The emotions expressed seem very real. The ending leaves a glimmer of hope... Steve

 

Submitted by KizWiz on
Thank you so so much for your lovely comment, Steve. :o)

KizWiz