The Monster Kills

You have chosen an extremely difficult topic to write about. How are human monsters made? A very good try indeed. The young man is made to feel less good than his brother and sister. Scorn and mockery is poured on his dreams. Love and acceptance by this beautiful young woman are what drives him insane. He is in a very confused state of mind when he kills her.

'Inside he wants to scream

No, please stay

Outwardly he is saying.

Leave'

Your poem demonstrates horribly well the toxicity of unhappy families and where this may lead. I once wrote a poem called 'Who killed Thomas Hamilton?' (A Scottish gunman who killed 17  children all five or 6 years old in a school gym in Dunblane and their teacher. He then shot himself)      Elsie

I quite like it.  The enjambment just about ameliorates the literal, narrative style of the poem.

I'm thinking about how you could drive up the quality of the 'poetic language' of the piece which at present is in my opinion a slight weakness.  

If you work back the poem, look closely and as dispassionately as possible if you can and decide what the poem has achieved above and beyond what you could have communicated if this was written up as prose.  If the honest answer is not much really, then that is a signal that the poem needs further work.

The lines about his heart transforming into a serpent's nest is the highlight of the piece.  Try to introduce emotions to us that are conveyed through poetic convention like this rather than literal instruction.  The readers will enjoy the poem far more for that I feel.

If you comment on the work of others that kindness will be reciprocated; it's far more productive that asking for feedback in the forum.

Welcome to ABCtales and good luck with the creative writing class.

I also enjoyed the piece. Like scratch, I think that the poem could use more figurative language - it is in a very prose-like style at the moment.

For example, the section:

'And then theres him,

In the middle there.

Stuck in the middle,

Between a brilliant sister,

And a charismatic little brother.

His whole life,

Being compared'

Is great prose - but it lacks the poetic imagery that might add a deeper sense of the emotions you are trying to convey. What images, or situations, do mediocrity and unfavourable comparison suggest to you? What else is this situation like? If not a metaphor, can you give us an image of the boy suffering - describe a moment or an instant in his life when he's passed over, which might show the reader the way he feels? Good poetic imagery is often sense-oriented. You can call up a whole season with a few words describing a scent, something seen or overheard, a sensation in the gut.

I'll look forward to reading more of your work - and, as Scratch says, the best way to get feedback on your work is to go out and comment on others!