-

-Jenna nervously repositions the bottom of her trousers as she extends her legs-

“Straight vodka was what we were drinking. Ruby informed me of how it’s lower in calories, and if we were dancing too then we could burn it all off.
Soon it wasn’t a baby-shower at all; people just kept turning up, and they invited more people- until the house was packed.”

-She bites her bottom lip before carrying on-

“I suppose Ruby’s mum presumed her daughter had invited these people and because they’d just made up she was quite happy for it to continue as a house party.”

-Jenna grins and pauses before reminding herself of the events that followed-

“A group of guys had just struck up conversation with me (which was rare) when I lost sight of Ruby.
She’d been dancing in a crowd one second, and then the next, she’d just vanished.
I went to find her.
It took ages for me to wade through the rabble; drunken people kept grabbing me and trying to either make me dance with them or drain alcohol down my neck.
When I finally made it far enough to check for her in the bathroom, I edged my way round the door (which was blocked by three girls drunkenly reapplying their makeup) and was welcomed by the sight of my best friend lying in an empty bath covered in vomit.
I asked if she’d made herself sick, or if it was the alcohol.”

-The girls grimaces at the memory-

“She couldn’t even speak.
I tried dragging her out of there.
She was motionless though, and I didn’t have the strength to lift her.
After about 5 attempts the girls in the doorway saw I was struggling, so they stumbled over and helped me haul Ruby up.
We staggered down the stairs, and made it part of the way into the living room.
But Ruby just couldn’t do it.”

-The girl begins to sob-

“She couldn’t stand, she couldn’t talk, she couldn’t move… and I couldn’t hold on tight enough.
So she collapsed, right then and there.”

-She looks away in shame-

“In that split second I felt such relief, but a horrible, selfish, malicious sort of relief.
I was glad she wasn’t putting pressure on me and I was thankful for not having to support her.”

-Long pause-

“The music was too loud for me to shout for help and no one could see her lying there through the mass of people.”

-Tears stream down her face and she looks lost-

“So I kneeled down next to her and told her I loved her.
I held her hand and I kissed her forehead.
…That perfect goodbye didn’t last long though.
A group of people soon spotted us down on the floor.
This guy dashed over; he rang for an ambulance.
A girl ran outside to get Ruby’s mum, who rushed in and sat, clinging to her daughter, cradling her in her arms whilst her husband told everyone to leave – everyone except me.”

-Jenna hesitates-

“I had to stay, I had to witness the paramedics arrive; I saw them heave their equipment into the house, I sat amongst the wires crossing over the living room.
I had to see Ruby’s mum screech at them when they couldn’t resuscitate her daughter, I had to sit by as they lifted her onto a stretcher, as they covered her over with a white blanket, as they transported her into the ambulance and her mother followed; lifting herself up into the vehicle after Ruby had been wheeled in.
Barry (Ruby’s step-dad) and I sat in silence. The horror of what had just happened hung over us.
Suddenly he rose to his feet, ‘I think I’d best go down to the hospital’ he murmured. He offered me a lift, but I declined – insisted I’d rather get some fresh air.”

-She shakes her head-

“I walked out the front without pausing to look back and continued down the street.
I daren’t go home though; I knew Ruby’s things would be lying round my room, so I went to the park instead.
I sat under the tree where we’d made our first pact as little girls to ‘never fall out with each other and never be nasty’.”

-Jenna’s face fills with regret-

“We’d made the most dangerous pact of our lives there too; we’d etched it into the trunk of the tree, not that I could bring myself to read it- just the thought of the destruction one small promise between friends had caused made me feel sick.”

-Pause-

“…My parents had already heard the news when I snuck through the front door, tear-stained and trembling.
There was a carrier bag full of Ruby’s belongings on the kitchen table, my mum gave me some time to go through it all and said we’d return it to her mum in the morning. Everything was neatly folded and slotted into the bag- the exact opposite of how Ruby would have arranged it all herself.
I lifted out a pair of her pyjamas and a couple of CDs. There were bright coloured bangles and hair clips lying at the bottom of the bag, underneath Ruby’s favourite dress- I still remember how she’d refused to part with it, even though it was about 2 sizes too big for her. I memorized the sweet smell of the half-empty bottle of perfume which lay in between her make-up bag and a t-shirt.
My mum found me still sitting amongst Ruby’s things when she came downstairs the next morning.
I shrugged off her attempt to hug me, which she hadn’t done for ages, and went to get changed.”

-Jenna pauses again for a couple of seconds- pained by the recollection-

“Ruby’s mum was asleep on the sofa when we got round, so her step-dad invited us into the kitchen and made us coffee.
The house was still in the horrific state it’d been left in due to the party, so we had to shift a load of empty bottles and cans to sit round the kitchen table.
My mum told Barry how sorry she was and babbled on about how if there was anything, anything at all that they needed she was there to help.
Barry told us that they were going to have to make funeral arrangements soon, and asked if I’d help, because apparently I’d know more about what Ruby would have liked.”

-She breaks her description, obviously afraid of revealing the rest-

“‘So, did the hospital discover what caused her death?’ was the only thing left to be asked by my mother.
Barry nodded and frowned.
He avoided answering at first by refilling our mugs and offering us biscuits.
Then he sat back down and looked at me nervously
…I guess he presumed I’d been following Ruby’s example.
All of a sudden my mum seemed anxious and uneasy as well. She reached out for my hand and at that moment I knew she’d figured it out too.
Barry picked up an article from the work surface behind him and handed it to my mum.
She read aloud, about how ‘the most life-threatening damage caused my eating disorders is usually the havoc wreaked on the heart. As the body loses muscle mass, it also decreases heart muscle at a preferential rate- so the heart gets smaller and weaker.’
I remember how her voice began to strain and her eyes glazed over as she continued, ‘It gets worse at increasing your circulation in response to exercise, and your pulse and your blood pressure get lower. The cardiac tolls are acute and significant, and set in quickly. Heart damage is the most common reason for hospitalization in most people with anorexia.’”

-Jenna stops to reflect, then continues quietly-

“That was the last time I set foot in Ruby’s house.
I haven’t seen her parent’s sinse either; my mum told me that Barry had rung about the funeral, but she’d argued that I was in no fit state to be put through anymore trauma.”

-Silence-

“Seventeen councellors I’ve been forced to speak to and not one of them helped.
My mum was on antidepressants before long.
She said that she’d run out of options, but to be honest I think she just gave up on me.

-The camera slowly reverses, revealing the girl’s white backdrop to be a hospital bed and soon the room is shown to be an empty ward in a clinic for people suffering from eating disorders-

“Although she did visit regularly to begin with, she hasn’t bothered over the past few weeks.
I guess my ‘lack of improvement’ is pretty disheartening for her.
But how can they expect me to improve, do they not realise that I’ve let Ruby down too many times already?”

-Jenna drops her head into her hands and murmers between gasps and sobs, then curls up on the bed before the camera fades completely-

(Sorry it's wayyyyyy long!)