Call Now, By Jingo!

            Commercial begins on simulated deck of aircraft carrier with Sidewinder missile prominent in the background. Dirk stands before backdrop wearing lycra top and puffy camo pants.

Dirk: Hi, I’m Dirk Headley, semi-retired commando and part-time chain-saw sculptor. (Points into camera) And you want Clear Vision glasses.

            Close-up.

Dirk: (Takes glasses off and points at them.) Clear Vision is what our Sooper Dooper Advanced Elite Purple Ops Units wear at monster truck rallies.

            Angle-Close-up

Dirk: (Puts glasses back on.) This is the best anti-glare protection for yourself, your family, and loved ones.

            Placement shot in mall courtyard.

Dirk: (Voice over) We demonstrated the Clear Vision effect for members of the general public who were on their way to buy a chicken wrap and a flag.

Medium shot- Moderator wearing checkered gingham top, khaki slacks, mauve flats and holding a clipboard, corners a couple, who wear crew and khaki.

            Medium- The woman looks at screen with moderator in background.

Woman: I see nothing. (Moderator presses button on side of screen) Wow! Now it’s a picture of Kelly Ann Conway, running over a spotted owl with her star-spangled ATV!

            Medium- Man looks at screen with moderator shown in background.

Man: I see nothing. (Moderator presses button on side of screen) Zowie! Now it’s a bald eagle planting a flag on Pluto!

            Close-up of Dirk on deck.

Dirk: (Points to the side, then thinks the better of it, and points into the camera.) Now use the glasses to demonstrate the actual Clear Vision effect! And tell them that I don’t sculpt chainsaws.

            To mall, with moderator holding Clear Vision glasses, and man, who is facing screen.

Moderator: (Blank look at camera, then, to man.) He doesn’t sculpt chainsaws. That would be silly.

Man: I think it was Pluto…

            To deck, and Dirk.

Dirk: (points) Forget Pluto. It’s not even a planet. Tell them I sculpt things with chainsaws, Sherry. Hurry up. We rent this backdrop by the hour.

            To mall. Moderator and man.

Moderator: Dirk sculpts things with a chainsaw.

            To deck, and Dirk.

            (Dirk is exasperated.)

            To mall. Moderator and man.

Moderator: He sculpts…bears and mailboxes…out of logs…and…

            To deck and exasperated Dirk.

            To mall. Moderator and man.

Moderator: …chips fly everywhere…It’s all very phallic, I’m sure. (to camera) I didn’t sign on for this.

            To deck.

            (Dirk sighs and throws his arms up.)

            To mall.

Moderator: Moving along. (to man) What do you see?

Man: A pair of Clear Vision glasses.

            To deck.

Dirk: (as instructive as he has ever been) Now give him the glasses to look at the glasses through.

            To mall.

Moderator: (Nods to camera. Hands glasses to man. Man puts them on.)

Dirk: (voice over) Don’t get dizzy, now. We’re depending on you, man.

            (Moderator rolls eyes)

            Close-up of man.

Man: Wow! The picture is so much sharper and clearer and sharper!

            Close-up of moderator, who grins.

            Close-up of man.

Man: I can even read the label. “Made In China.”

            To deck. Dirk waves them off like he’s actually on an aircraft carrier.

To mall. Moderator and man. Man gets up from chair, and moderator claims glasses. Woman sits where man was.

Dirk: (voice over) Now…

            Close-up. Moderator.

Moderator: (to camera.) Ahem!

            To deck.

Dirk: (rolls eyes)

            To mall. Moderator and woman.

Moderator: Look at the picture without the glasses first.

            Close-up. Woman.

Woman: Ooh! It’s our commander-in-chief!

            Medium. Moderator and woman. Man leans in.

Man: Easy, Tiger… (woman fans herself off, and moderator hands her glasses.)

            Close-up. Woman. (wearing glasses)

Woman: Why…

            Two-shot. Moderator and man anticipate reaction.

            Close-up. Woman.

Woman: He’s such a dweeb!

            Two-shot. Moderator and man.

            (Moderator looks to camera blankly.)

Woman: (off) You should sell these on FOX!

To deck. Dirk freaks and waves them off. Then, looks back and notices that backdrop has gone to blue. Looks at watch, holds head in hands, etc…

            To Mall. Three-shot. Moderator, man and woman (seated).

Man: (to camera) Um… Clear Vision saved my marriage!

            (Moderator grins and shrugs.)

           

To a couple, dressed like the mall couple, but much better looking, wearing Clear Vision glasses, seen against a backdrop of snow-covered mountains.

Slick guy voice-over: With Clear Vision’s polarized translucent Kevlar lenses, you can eat a popsicle on Venus while you see ghosts in the noon-time sun.

            To studio. Two pairs of glasses on silk pad.

Slick guy voice-over: But why would you? I’m just saying. And if you call in the next five seconds, you can get TWO pairs for a one-time payment of nineteen-ninety-five.

            To couple. Backdrop is now Mount Rushmore.

Guy: They cut down the glare while I’m glaring at nothing in particular.

Gal: And that’s what you’re best at!

            To studio. Glasses again.

Slick guy voice-over: Or you can use our easy-pay option with thirty monthly payments of one-ninety-nine.

            To couple. Backdrop is a large mesa.

Guy: (jerks thumb back) Think I could climb that?

            (Gal shrugs and smiles.)

Guy: …I mean, legally…

            To studio. Glasses and baseball caps shown.

Slick guy voice-over: Call in the next two seconds, and we’ll include. A baseball cap in your choice of color, with the Clear Vision logo on it. We only ask that you not rob banks while wearing them. 

            To couple. Backdrop is still mesa.

Guy: (puts on cap and grins smoulderingly at camera. Then, aside, to gal.) Who would we ask for permission? I could totally climb that.

Gal: (looking out toward camera) With Clear Vision, I can see horned toads from fifty yards away!

Guy: (joins her in looking) All I see is cameras.

Gal: You have your mesa, I have my horned toads.

            To studio. Glasses and stuff.

Slick guy voice over: Call now!