The Grackles!

Cast Of Characters

Gerald (Son)

Gwen (Daughter)

Grace (Mother)

Grant (Father)

 

Living Room. A sofa and two end tables sit facing the audience. There is a large plate glass window behind it, and the drapes are open. The front door opens into the living room, stage left. An archway to the kitchen is along the wall stage right.

GERALD sits on the sofa with a pair of underwear resting on his head. GWEN enters from left. They both shrug their wings in what passes for a greeting.

Gwen: You’re disgusting.

Gerald: You have a zit.

Gwen: You have underwear on your head. At least my zit’s honest.

Gerald: So I’m a slob.

Gwen: So, don’t be a slob!

Gerald: (shrugs) Can’t help it.

GRACE enters through the front door.

Grace: Darlings, I’m home!

[applause]

Gwen darts to her and flutters her wings. Gerald shrugs. Grace begins to gag.

Gwen: Mom! Are you puking because you’re overworked, or are you just happy to see us?

Grace: I don’t know! (urp) I love you so!

Both Gwen and Gerald (now up for a moment) jostle for position, fluttering their wings in front of Gwen, who wants to feed them, but doesn’t.

Grace: Stop! (urp) I can’t…

Gwen and Gerald both retreat. Gerald winds up back on the couch.

Gwen: (disgusted with herself) Mom! We’re supposta be weaned by now!

[laughter]

Gerald: How was your day at the neurology lab, Mom?

Grace: I figured out how to create a hippocampal interface with a toaster, and we had a retirement party for Mrs. Finch. We had a nice checkerboard cake. Now I have to make the grub loaf.

Gerald: (now with the skivvies dangling from his beak) Mom! You need to get out more! [laughter]

Grace: Where’s my apron?

GRANT (enters through the front door. He carries a briefcase.) Honey, I’m home!

[applause]

Grace and Grant flutter their wings and touch beaks. They step back into position.

Grace: What did you do at work today, honey?

Grant: I forget. Bogie-Bogie-Par-Par. Had tacos for lunch. Bowling tonight. Bowling…bowling… (begins to circle about and cluck.)

Gwen and Gerald: Dad! You need to get out more!

Grace: Go bowling already!

[laughter]

(There is a streak of blue seen through the living room window. Meanwhile, Gerald now has a sweat sock resting on his head.)

Gwen: (looks through window) Bowser!

Grant: Who’s Bowser?

Grace: (wingtip to forehead) A Blue Jay Gwen’s hung up on.

Gwen: I’m not hung up on him. I adore him!

[laughter]

Grace: You just like him because he’s rebellious.

Grant: (puzzled) Bowser.

Gwen: He’s not a rebel! He’s just misunderstood.

Gerald: (now with sock hanging over his beak) You’re not even the same genus. Which means that you can’t have chicks with him.

Gwen, Grace and Grant stare at Gerald for exactly two seconds.

Grant: Bowser. Wasn’t he the one who pooped on the post office?

Grace: Yes! But it was in protest. They’d just issued a stamp with the Eastern Goldfinch.

Gerald: If he thinks so little of Goldfinches, what does he really think of you? You’re just a Grackle.

Gwen: I’m not just a Grackle! I’m a floutist and a poet, and I know Calculus…and… I make a great termite soufflé! (pauses and clasps wingtips to her breast.) He said that I’m clever. That means a lot to blue jays! I’m practically a blue jay.

Grace: You can’t convert to blue jay.

Gwen: Can’t you?

Gwen looks to Grace. Grace shrugs.

Gerald: Think I’ll get me one-a-those grubs.

(Gerald executes what’s known in bird drama as a ‘grub cross; going across the set to the archway and the kitchen. Gwen sits up on the sofa. Gerald returns with a grub hanging from his beak, which slowly shrinks through the eating throughout the rest of the scene.)

Grant: Bowser… The post office? (to all) Do you have any idea how long it takes to find a federal worker who’s willing to clean crap off windows! This has to stop. (He darts out the front door.)

(Gerald, Gwen and Grace stand one quarter to the camera and watch through the window. Grant is seen, strutting back and forth and clucking.

Grace: I was in love with a rebel myself.

Gerald: I know. Dad told me he used to perch on moving trains.

Grace: (Wistfully.) Oh. Did he?

Outside, Grant sings a wonderful little song. He walks back to the front door, then enters through it.)

Grant: There. (The rest turn to him, and he brushes his wingtips together.) That takes care of that. I don’t think we’ll see much more of him!

Gwen: Oh, Dad!

(Suddenly, a notably large amount of bird poop hits the window from the outside with a thud. All turn to look.)

[laughter]

Gwen: Bowser!

(The cast turns to the camera. They join wingtips and bow. Laughter. Applause. Credits.)