I Can't Tell You...

Dear SmartValu Home Care Products:

            I can’t tell you how happy I am with your fragrance-free moisturizer (with lanolin). I really can’t. I love your product, but I draw a blank on qualifiers. Perhaps it’s a kind of qualifier amnesia, or writing performance anxiety. Could this be a side effect? I wanted to tell you how happy I am with your product, but I can’t! There is no way I can quantify my satisfaction. In fact, as I type this letter, I am so distraught that I’m having a hard enough time counting the cat. I find this so distressing that my tears are threatening to short out the computer.

            Wait. I have an idea. Upon realizing that I can still, in theory, express how happy I am with other things I like, I will try to substitute one of those things, (Say, pickled herring. I love pickled herring.) for your moisturizer, thus expressing how happy I am with your product. Here goes.

Dear SmartValu Home Care Products:

            I am very, very, very happy with your Pickled Herring (with lanolin). On a scale of one to ten, I would give your Pickled Herring a gazillion. In cold, dry weather, I have had a problem with my elbows, but after a week using your product, the chaffed and cracked areas have disappeared! SmartValu Pickled Herring makes my face feel very smooth and supple, without the greasy feeling in the ‘T Zone’ that I have with other Herring. I would recommend SmartValu Pickled Herring to anyone who has trouble with dry, cracked skin. Keep up the good work!

                                                                                    -"Lou"