Chadpocalypse - 3:3 Paradise City

Gentrification City stood tall, packed right against the edge of The Sands of Passive aggression. Compared to the rest of Hell, it looked pristine, with skyscrapers reaching impossibly high and polished glass reflecting the omnipresent red light. Chad stood on a long plain of red stone leading up to the city. “Doesn’t look so bad to me.”

“Wait until you’re trying to find an apartment there.”

As the cherub said it, a woman catapulted through one of the higher glass windows, shattering it. Shards fell in crystalline daggers toward the earth, surrounding the woman like a deadly halo. Chad watched as she plummeted to the ground, landing with a wet smack on the stones beneath. Glass shattered around her, sending crystalline motes skittering across the rocks. “Rent prices that bad?” he asked.

“You have no idea,” sighed the cherub. “But, you want to get to the appeals center, which means we’re going in. Try to stay close.”

“Like I have a choice.” Chad looked back at the shifting sands and saw the bulk of another worm lurking beneath the surface. “Let’s just get away from here before your little stopwatch goes off again.” He could still feel the impalement he had experienced and didn’t want to know what the inside of a sand worm was like.

Even as they were approaching, the pieces of glass that had exploded on the ground reversed course. First, they came together to form the shards surrounding the body, and then miraculously shot into the air, eventually reprising their role as the window high above. A muscular demon flew by and picked up the corpse of the woman, taking a bite of her head before tossing the body away.

“So uncivilized,” commented the cherub.

Chad rolled his eyes. By his mark, they had been in Hell for a few hours, although it was truly impossible to keep track with the way time was passing. Even so, he hadn’t gotten used to the heat at all. He willed his pores to stop spilling precious liquid into the dry air, but they paid no head. Sweat dripped down his back, soaking the remains of his filthy suit jacket. “At least I’ll fit the part.” He brushed some dirt off his jacket as if it helped the image.

“Yeah… totally.”

“Clearly you’ve never seen Wall Street after a bad market crash.” Chad felt he would look right at home falling from one of the high-rise windows and a voice in the back of his head told him that wouldn’t be far off. He eyed the stopwatch nervously.

Closer to the city, the misshapen rocks and sand of the desert gave way to smooth concrete. Cars were jam packed on every inch of the road, engines running, and furious drivers behind the wheel. Where the pavement turned to rock, there was a demon in a crossing guard uniform holding his hands out to indicate that traffic needed to remain stopped. Temporary orange and white concrete barriers had been erected. Plastered on the front was a hand-scrawled sign that read: “Construction in progress, expect delays.”

“Don’t suppose you want to catch a cab?” asked the cherub hopefully.

Chad shot him a venomous look.

“Well don’t get all pissy about it, I’m just trying to do my job.”

Chad looked in the cars and saw they were all filled with human drivers in various states of decay. One man rolled down his window and stuck his head out. “Will you move?” he shouted. “I’m going to miss my son’s soccer practice!”

“What the fuck is he talking about?” asked Chad.

The cherub’s speech took on a tone of absolute delight. “They’re all stuck in a permanent state of being late for something incredibly important. We might as well be ghosts to them.” He licked his lips. “One of the best attractions they’ve built in years if you ask me. You sure you don’t want to try and catch a cab?” The cherub checked his stopwatch.

“Yes, I’m sure, let’s get moving to the appeals center.”

“Spoil sport.”

Deeper in the city the skyscrapers grew so high that everything was cast in dark shadows. Neon signs had been stuck haphazardly to the sides of the buildings, causing the road to glow in odd shades of purple, orange and green. No matter how far they walked, the traffic jam continued. Occasionally someone would honk a horn, but mostly people sat in their cars crying, occasionally bashing their head into the driver’s side window. The sidewalks were filled with men, women, and demons all dressed in sharp suits talking on cell phones and trying to push their way to an unknown destination.

“Let me see the map.”

The cherub handed it to him.

Chad looked at the ‘You Are Here’ icon and saw “Commute of Despair” highlighted in bright red alongside a sticker that read “New this year!”. He looked out at the people walking on the street with pity. While no one who wore a suit in Midway would have given him the time of day when he was alive, it didn’t feel right that they would repeat their misery for eternity. Pushing through their single-minded procession actually made him nostalgic for home. It was the first time he had felt anything for Midway since leaving.

“Isn’t it glorious?” The cherub floated a few inches above the throng, moving forward with ease. His eyes had grown watery with delight.

“What’s with the demons?” They were the one piece of the puzzle that didn’t fit.

“Probably on break and wanted to experience the commute for themselves. Maybe I’ll check it out the next time I get some leave.”

“You actually enjoy this sort of thing?”

“There’s no better way to immerse yourself in the suffering of others.” Slobber dribbled out of the edges of the cherub’s mouth. “Can’t you feel it? It’s wonderful.”

“Yeah, like a kid at Christ—”

The cherub clamped a hand over Chad’s mouth. Several demons turned to sniff at the air, stopping mid-walk. There was a collision of bodies as the pedestrians ground to a halt. Several people were knocked prone and others trampled them, trying to continue to their destination. Chad put his elbows out in a practiced fashion, trying to stay a part of the larger, upright crowd.

“Are you trying to get us caught? You keep talking like that and we’re going to get inspected for sure.”

Chad tried not to taste the cherub’s filthy palm as it squished into his mouth. It smelled like rancid baby lotion and cheddar-dusted chips. In a way, it reminded him of a night after heavy drinking.

The cherub waited for the demons to return to their business and removed his hand. The procession chugged into motion again, stepping over the bodies of the fallen. Chad felt something squish beneath his shoe as he advanced but kept his eyes forward. If it was another sinner, they’d be back in a few minutes anyway.

“We might still technically be engaging in the demon sinner relationship here, but if anyone found out I was helping you; the inspectors would be on us like that.” The cherub snapped his fingers for emphasis.

“Inspectors?”

“The worst of the worse. You think this paperwork we’re about to fill out is going to be bad. Wait until you see what they can do.”

Chad shuddered at the thought of a torture that made demons nervous. They continued forward, pushing and shoving, making their way through an endless street that never did much to change in appearance. There were shops lining the edges, but even they recycled after a while.

“Best cup of coffee you’ve ever had,” cried a demon standing next to a green-painted awning. Next to him, a line of people stretched along the side of the building, trying to keep their position as the endless wave of pedestrians marched past. A chalkboard next to the coffee shop door read: Hell’s Finest, Black Coffee, $52/Tall, $75/Grande, $150/IV Drip. The line extended so far into the throng of pedestrians that it was impossible to tell where it started.

As they passed, Chad got a good look inside the shop and saw a single coffee maker and a horrified barista trying to serve from it as fast as he could. “I’m sorry, it’s just going to take a minute for me to brew another pot. Thank you for your patience.”

A man walked out of the coffee shop, clutching a small paper cup dearly. He tried to walk back into the throng, but the demon barking prices stuck a foot out and tripped him. The coffee cup went flying and spilled onto the sidewalk. The man’s eyes widened in horror and he crawled forward, trying to lap up the remains before it evaporated. As he crawled, a demon in stiletto heels stepped on him, piercing his skull and killing him instantly.

“Whoops,” she commented, shaking loose brains. “That’s going to take a while to clean. She laughed and continued picking her way through the throng.

“You know, this isn’t actually that far off from Midway.”

“Sounds like Hell on Earth.” The cherub’s eyes filled with delight. “I only wish I had gotten to see more of it than a dirty laundromat parking lot.”

“Maybe someday you—”

“Hey, you, little man!” A demon in a prim vest and slacks called out from the sidewalk. He was standing in front of a glass-windowed leasing office. “We’re looking for some demons to test our latest attraction. Care to take it for a spin?” A bright sign above him read: Hollywood Apartments – For the inner star in us all! Reasonable rates! Inquire inside.

Chad saw the cherub’s eyes light up and knew that there wasn’t much time for argument. He reached a hand out, trying to grasp the bastards little feet and pull him back, but it was no use.

“Boy would I! Come, Chadwell!” The cherub gave Chad a look that said the alternative was going to be much worse.

The demonic leasing agent smiled broadly and favored Chad with a hungry once-over. “Fantastic, come on in, I think this is going to be something you really dig.”