Lead Solutions

   I sat sandwhiched between beakers and labcoats, peaking through a tiny crack in the cabinet as two scientists in red coats argued. The subject matter was far too intelligent for me to understand, but the fact that it was indeed an argument was apparent from all of the vicious hand-waving and critical tones. From my position inside a cabinet filled with lab coats, it felt almost like watching a nature channel special.

     Humanity imitates the wild, I thought as I pulled the silver pistol from beneath my coat. I was the lion, stalking them from the tall grass as they had a disagreement about order at the watering hole. Scientists, like water buffalo, were not very prescient when it came to matters of immediate importance. Well, at least one of them wasn’t. The other had figured out that things were going to get heated, and had paid five-hundred dollars to gain the lion’s support.

     It didn’t feel good killing a scientist. For all of their idiosyncrasies, they tend to keep the world in a progressive state, inventing such necessities as gunpowder and better canisters to fire it from. Before going about my bloody work, I took a brief moment of reflection for the scientist who had invented gunpowder, so that I could subsequently use it to kill another scientist. The irony of it all was for a brief moment overwhelming, but I thought about money, and it passed. I stepped out of the cabinet and leveled my pistol at the scientist on the right. It was imperative that it be the one on the right, because while both scientists wore red lab coats, and were virtually the same to the outside observer, the one on the left paid better.

     Both scientists jumped at the sight of me, despite the fact that one of them understood exactly what was happening. It was difficult to tell if he was acting for the benefit of the soon-to-be dead man, or if he was legitimately frightened. Hell, if I hadn’t been in the industry so long, I might have been frightened to see a tall man in a dark coat, stepping out of a lab cabinet in the middle of the night, holding a pistol, but I had been, and so I wasn’t.

     The moment of fear and confusion did not last long. There was a soft hiss as I pulled the trigger, followed by a dull splatter as the scientist hit the floor. I hope he wasn’t working on anything important. Knowing my luck, he was probably going to cure cancer. Asshole… I didn’t ask any questions about my targets beyond the basics. Usually it made it easier when the time finally came, but oftentimes the “what if?” could keep me up late at night. Most of the time I could imagine diving into a pool of gold coins, but it didn’t always do the trick.

     The man who was still standing looked at me as if I had acted unexpectedly. His mouth hung open in shock. “He’s, uh,”

     “Dead,” I finished for him. “Just like you asked, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to be going.”

     “Are you sure?” The scientist was quaking in his lab coat, no doubt finally understanding the implications of what he had done.

     “Pretty sure. I’ve got to be at a bar that closes in twenty minutes, and I need a stiff drink.”

     “No, I mean, about him being dead.

I looked down at the body on the floor. Usually I would have made a big show of checking his pulse (the best of us have a little flair), but seeing as how I had hit him directly in the face, it all seemed a little unnecessary. To appease the squirrelly scientist looking at me, as if he had a better idea on how to do my job; I bent down and stuck a finger to the nearly dismembered neck, and checked for a pulse. As expected there was nothing but the tepid flesh of a new corpse.

     “What are you going to do with the body,” he asked, trying to steady his voice.

     “What do you mean?”

     “Well, aren’t you going to get rid of it?”

     I reached into my pocket and pulled out a receipt. The man flinched. “Says here that you didn’t pay for the premium package and instead opted for the one and done deal. This means that by my company’s bylaws, you are required to dispose of the body yourself, and if any evidence can be traced back to us, then I get to pay you another visit.” I smiled pleasantly, turned on my heels and said “Thank you for working with Lead Solutions.” Most people thought we were an old fashioned plumbing company. “Have a nice day. Once you’re done here, I’d really appreciate it if you filled out this comment card to rate my service,” I handed him the yellow card and walked away.