The Trials of Herbert Wullbory

The Trials of Herbert Wullbory

     In his youth Herbert had been a skeptic, always searching for the grain of truth to unravel and belittle the fantastic. As a middle aged father of 12 the fight had been taken out of him. In the wake of the events leading to his unusual foray into parenthood, Herb began to take a lot of things on faith. The last of his cynicism left him one warm night in the Nevada desert ten years ago.

The Nevada Desert, 10 years ago

     “Come on Diana, there’s no one around for miles.” Diana was an unusually attractive woman of five foot six, with blonde hair, and deep green eyes. The unusual aspect of her beauty was that it had been paired with the unimpressive form of Herbert Wullbory. Herbert, or Herb for short, was a stumpy man, standing only five foot ten (an average height for his species), with greasy hair, and a substantial amount of pimples populating the oil stained crevices of his unkempt body. What he had going for him was a mystery to those around him; well, except for Diana.

     For some reason Diana had become infatuated with Herb in a high school science lab in the spring of their senior year. It might have been the heat, it might have been the chemicals leaking from the beaker that Herb wasn’t attending to, and it might have been the faulty gas pipe that would claim the school’s structural integrity four months later, but for whatever reason she fell head over heels. At the time of their journey into the Nevada desert it was their six month anniversary.

     That night, under the infinite abyss of stars, everything seemed possible to the young couple. This was especially true for Herb, who for reasons unrelated to logic felt that he was finally going to ‘get lucky’. The two were having an awkward fumble on the hood of Herb’s truck when a green flash illuminated the night sky. For most this cosmic phenomenon would have been a memorable display of celestial beauty, but for Herb it was the Universe’s attempt at contraception.

     It might seem to an outsider that the green flash would be a romantic segue into youthful mistakes, but Diana was of a curious nature. In an instant she pulled away from Herb to gaze at the light, and Herb cursed in silence at the big bang for having spit him out in the first place.  “Wow! Would you look at that,” Diana exclaimed, pointing a perfectly manicured finger at the green orb that had taken up residence thousands of feet above Herb’s pickup truck.

     “Yeah, wow, that’s really something,” Herb remarked with an unenthusiastic tone. The light in the sky wasn’t really much of a concern to him, unless of course it was going to aid him in his hormonal conquest. He attempted to continue on with his business, but Diana was already off the hood of the truck and walking out to the desert. The orb cast a pallid shadow over the ground as it descended.

     “Come on Herb, let’s check it out.”

     “It’s in the bloody sky. I see it, you see it, and it’s green. There you go, we’ve checked it out.” Diana turned around and threw a pouting stare Herb’s way. The things I do for love, he thought. Herb had no intention of jeopardizing what was no doubt his one shot with an attractive woman in his lifetime. The lottery of fate had thrown him a bone once, and was unlikely to do so again. “Alright, but let’s stay a safe distance away.”

     “Oh don’t be a chicken.” Herb had seen one too many sci-fi movies to be so forward about examining strange lights, at night, in the middle of the desert. However, the presence of a fertile woman clouded his mind with testosterone and a buildup of what could only describe as unrealistic and lurid thoughts. The cacti glowed green as the orb passed them. There was a loud crash as the light fell to the desert floor. A cloud of dust and acrid smoke rose into the air.

     Diana was the first to crest the crater that the impact had created. She was silhouetted in wonderful light as Herb approached and he thought in that moment that he truly loved her. There was something about the spontaneity of her being, which drove him to be a better person. She pushed him past his fears, and liked him for who he was. It was only a moment that he paused to look at her, but it was too long.

     A large tentacle snaked out from the crater, plated in shiny silver metal. He watched in horror as it hung in the air, waving back and forth like a snake about to strike. “Diana, run!” Herb’s voice was drowned by the electric rush of a laser shooting from the end of the tentacle into Diana’s stomach. For a moment it appeared as though everything would be alright, and then she exploded. Herb passed out.

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     The alarm clock woke Herb with a start. Light streamed through his bedroom window, cutting shafts in the thicket of dust motes in the air. He sprung out of bed and smacked his head on his bedside table lamp. “It was all a dream,” he said and promptly vomited on the floor. All I can say is that for poor Herb, morning sickness was the worst…