Day 16. A Pregnancy Journal.

Day 16. Enter Here Ye Who Have.....

I've abandoned all hope. I've begun telling people about my situation, our situation, with resignation. Yesterday I found out that she told her parents a week ago. She had to know, before she made her decision she said, if they would support her in this. Of course her revelation to them brought forth all the baggage and turmoil that we are suffering. I wish she hadn't. They are nice folks and we get along greatly but now of course I am the bad guy who was willing to kill their grandchild.

I guess some part of me was still holding out hope that she might actually change her mind but I know better now that she's told them and I think all issues of privacy have changed. Obviously she didn't have to lay it all out there for them. She could have been delicate and spared them and me for the moment the added tension, especially with the holiday plans a week away to visit with them. It feels like dirty pool to me. I know, she turned to her family in a time of need and on the one hand I'm glad she was honest with them, but she also knew ahead of time the kind of response she would get. She is and always has been their little princess. This is only going to garner her more attention and sympathy, which is exactly what she was after. She's marshalling all her forces and setting up a defense against my continued protest.

Only none of it changes the facts. I never asked her to have an abortion and I never told her I wouldn't have anything to do with the child. I told her how I felt, maybe a little forcibly to cut through the cookie dough layer sometimes, and said that she had to make a decision. Of course, I've lamented out loud, especially the idea that everyone she's consulted seems to have more say in the matter than I do even though I'm the second most affected by this. None of it seems to matter to her. She wishes it were different for me of course but only inasmuch as my thinking is concerned. In other words, she's still waiting for me to come around.

I think she's testing me in that regard too. Last night she was convinced again that she's been miscarrying. There's a book, she says, and she's been reading on-line. She described the symptoms. I guess your off the hook, she said, a few times. I'm tired of the roller coaster I told her. Why don't you call your doctor tomorrow and let's find out what's really going on. She sounded a little wounded. I wondered if she was waiting for me to join her. I'm sorry, I said. I'm so confused anymore I don't know what to say but let's make sure you're all right. We'll figure this out together, I added.

Of course I went to bed feeling guilty but that's all gone bright and early this morning when she calls to tell me that her doctor said everything sounded normal and that she should keep taking her prenatal vitamins and keep her regularly scheduled appointment. So I don't know what's going on baby, she said, but how are you this morning sweetie?

She knows damn well I'm miserable and she knows she's got me by the balls. I can't help feeling this way. I think our respect for each other has disintegrated to this level. She's a vicious lioness protecting her cub now. I don't matter, we don't matter, only the matter matters.

So here we are, starting out broken and divided. I've yet to tell my family anything of course, hoping to sort things out first. So basically I am alone in this. Everyone I know will just say bite down because that's what people do. There's no revolt anymore, nothing.