Bumfluff

Two men sit at a table, one of them has a beard.


-Why the beard? Asks the other man.


-You know? Says the bearded man. And then: It seemed sort of
appropriate.


-Are you staying?


-That's kind of up to you.


-Do you want to stay?


-Kind of? you know?


-No.


-No what?


-No, I don't know.


-Well yeah, I'd like to stay. If it's okay.


-I've talked it over with Jane, we'd like to have you
stay.


-Good.





The clean shaven man, who is the older of the two, shifts in
his chair.


-Are you keeping it?


-What?


-The beard.


-I don't know. I kind of like it, it makes me look
distinguished.


-It makes you look like a hippy.


The bearded man laughs.


-You should get it trimmed.


-I did once actually, on this beach in the Andamans there was
this barber?


-No!


-What?


-Please don't? I'm sure you and my daughter had lots of
fantastic stories but I can't, I can't listen to them right
now.


-Oh?


-I'm sorry.


-No I am, I wasn't thinking.





Both men try and talk at once and there is a short silence.
The older man breaks it.


-Have you got a job.


-A job? No, not right now.


-So your looking for one.


-Well yeah, I suppose I'll have to.


-We won't charge you any rent till you find
something.


-You're going to charge me rent?


-Just enough to cover the water and the
rates.


-Oh I see.


-Because we're on a water meter.


-Of course.


-And you'll be using hot water.


-Yes.


-And we'll have to turn the heating on in Emily's? I mean,
the spare room.


-I understand. I'll pay my way.


-And food, if you're going to eat with us. But you might want
to make your own meals.


-Well?


-I mean are you still a vegetarian?


-I am, sort of, I'm not strict.


-So do you eat meat?


-I have done, sometimes, but no.


-Then I'm afraid you'll have to make your own
meals.


-That's fine.


-Jane and I, well, we like to eat meat.


-I understand, it doesn't bother me.


-And you understand you can't expect her to cook two
different meals every night.


-I don't.


-You understand?


-I don't expect you to cook for me.


-Well it would be Jane.


-I mean both of you. Either of you.





The man with the beard strokes his beard, the man without
looks at his hands.


-Are you keeping it?


-What?


-The beard.


-You already asked.


-I just thought, if your looking for a job.


-It shouldn't be a problem.


-What sort of job will you go for?


-Oh I haven't given it much though, maybe something in
media.


-And you don't think it would be better without it.



-Well I don't know really.


-At least get it trimmed.


-Emily always said?





There is a sudden awkward pause which seems to last an age
until finally the man without a beard says:


-What did she say?


-She said it looked sexy.


-Oh.





The man with the beard strokes his beard and says
nothing.


-You know I always liked you.


-You did?


-Both Jane and I liked you. If you and Emily had married we'd
have been very happy.


-Oh? Thankyou.


-Could you err? Well.. I know what I said earlier but, could
you tell me how it happened?


-Well if you're sure?


-I'd like to hear it. Now. Whilst Jane is
out.


-Well we'd bummed our way down from Thailand you know, all
through Indonesia, Sumatra, Burma, down to New Zealand.


-I know.


-And of course New Zealand's like the adventure capital of
the world you know. Bungee jumping, white water rafting and of
course?


-?sky diving.


-Yes. Emily was real keen to go.


-You didn't go with her.


-No.. well.. the instructor seemed a very nice
guy.


-You didn't think it would be safer if you were
there.


-Well?


-I'm not blaming you. I just need to
understand.


-Well you know?


-Yes.


-I was scared. Heights you know.


-And the instructor.


-Well it turned out in the end that he wasn't really a
professional instructor. It was just something he did at the
weekend.





The man without a beard pushes his chair away from the table
and stifles a sob. The man with the beard holds his head in his hands.
Facing the table he says:


-It was so fast. They were barely up there for twenty
minutes.





The man without the beard stands up and bangs the table with
his fist.


-If he was a professional skydiver it would have been okay,
we could have accepted that.


-They got married last week I think.


-But a bloody tax inspector!