Tails

It’s like two sides of a coin,
heads you win and tails
you just have to hit snooze,
2, 3 more times. Why bother?

When the thought of getting out of bed
just feels like climbing Everest, like clawing
out of your own grave, taking a long walk
off a short pier.

The sunlight through the curtains
just burns your retinas. There’s nothing
out there for you or me, the sun is a pin prick
In the darkness, like a broken window,
nothing spills through but heat and fury.

Laughter makes your head ache,
and your friend’s smiles seem like an insult,
like a slap across the face, a middle finger,
a sweet salute to show how the scales are tipped.

Oh everybody understands, that’s all we do,
but they get tired of the clouds, and so will you.
Internalising, compartmentalising everything.
Finding words big enough to hide behind.

Told it would wither and die, fall off with age,
Blame on hormones, weight, mother dear.
Maybe a few drinks will help, drugs, sex, a smoke,
a funny story, tell a few jokes.

Introspection by intravenous fluid. Can’t find a smile,
but I can find a vein, mapped like old London.
They collapse like old mining tunnels, one more, two more,
three maybe, till a cave in. But still I keep digging.

The budgie in the coal mine doesn't cheep,
and it’s just the same old track on repeat,
the needle is stuck in the groove. Some days, I swear,
It’s a trick coin, two tails - either way, you lose.