Bush

Matthew arrived at the bus stop in Jalingo. Jalingo was a major African town and Matthew had been expecting a large bus station where there would be a cafe where he could have something to eat and a cup of tea. A black man wearing a suit stood at the bus stop and waved at him through the window as the bus stopped. Matthew picked up his suitcase and walked down the steps.
"Hello Matthew," said the man in the suit.
"How do you know who I am?" The man laughed.
"Well Matthew, how do you know who I am?"
"You're obviously a pastor because you're wearing a suit."
"You're obviously a missionary because you're an American."
"I'm not an American and I'm not a missionary," said Matthew.
"I'm not a Pastor," said the man in the suit. "I'm Ahab, Pastor Ezekiel's son. Let me carry your suitcase."
"No, no, it's fine," said Matthew, who carried the suitcase for a hundred yards and then put it down. "Oh, it's heavy. We'll take turns to carry it."
"Good idea," said Ahab, picking up the suitcase. "My house is 4 kilometers away." They walked for an hour along a dirt track road which eventually led into the suburban streets of the city. Ahab led Matthew into his father's house. "Are you hungry, Matthew?"
"I'm starving," said Matthew. Ahab looked Matthew up and down several times with a puzzled expression on his face.
"I don't think you are."
"Sorry Ahab, I meant that I feel very hungry. That bus journey from Lagos took as long as the aeroplane from London and they didn't even have a girl with biscuits and tea. Not like National Express. I haven't had anything to eat or drink for nine hours and it's a hot day. I feel like I'm going to collapse."
"Don't be silly, you'll be fine. That's no time at all to go without food. Would you like some real coffee?"
"Yes." Ahab took the lid off a tin of African instant coffee and spooned some of the powder into a cup. The coffee had a strong smell, even from the distance where Matthew was standing, the bitter stink stung his nostrils. Ahab put the kettle on the pariffin stove and lit it with a match.
"Where is the church where I'm going tomorrow?" asked Matthew.
"The church meet under a mango tree."
"That sounds lovely. No need for a building. Just assemble your congregation under a tree. How far away is this tree?"
"About 40 kilometers from the nearest road," said Ahab. Pastor Ezekiel came through the front door at that moment.
"It is not 40 kilometers from the nearest road," he said, "don't be silly. If it was 40 kilometers from the nearest road you wouldn't be able to walk there and back in a day. It would be dark when you came back. I can't imagine any church that meets under a tree is more than 20 kilometers from the nearest road."
"It's not uncommon for people in poor countries to walk for 2 hours to get to church," said Matthew.
"That's very local," said Ahab. "We walk for 4 hours to get to our church."
"Couldn't we get the bus?" asked Matthew. Pastor Ezekiel burst out laughing. The kettle boiled. It made a loud whistling noise. Ahab poured the water into the cup. The sharp stink of the tinned coffee became nostril piercing. "Aren't you having one too?" Matthew asked.
"I had a coffee before I went out," said Ahab.
"I had one at lunch time," said Pastor Ezekiel. Matthew gratefully took the cup of coffee, with no milk or sugar, and began to sip it.
"Well, as we say in England, coffee doesn't grow on trees."
"It does," said Ahab.

At 6 o' clock the next morning Pastor Ezekiel woke everybody up for a big breakfast of cabbage and rice. Matthew sat down and began to eat.
"Do you want coffee or tea?" asked Ahab.
"Tea please," said Matthew, recalling the stinking black coffee of the day before. The tea arrived in a mug, without milk or sugar and, like cheap supermarket brands, had the feeling of being a pleasant enough drink but not tasting very much like tea. Matthew helped with the washing up and they set off on their 4 hour trek to the tree that was 20 kilometers from the nearest road. The terrain was rocky and covered in grass with no mud track or well defined path to follow.
"What time does the service start?" asked Matthew.
"11 o' clock," said Pastor Ezekiel.
"It's a long way to travel," said Matthew.
"It's a half way meeting point between Jalingo and the Christians in the surrounding villages," said Pastor Ezekiel.
"How do you know which tree it is?" asked Matthew.
"No, the witch tree is a few miles further down the road, that's where the witches meet," said Ahab. "The mango tree is great big and there aren't many trees around it. It's not like the woods that you have in England." After a couple of hours they could see a big tree on top of a hill. It was obviously the mango tree under which they would hold the church meeting.
"Can we stop for a cup of tea?" asked Matthew. Matthew got a feeling that he had said something inappropriate. Everybody was looking at him as if he came from Mars.
"We haven't got any tea Matthew," said Pastor Ezekiel. "We didn't bring any."
"You wouldn't want to carry a big box of flasks for 4 hours," said Matthew.
"What's wrong with doing that?" asked one of the women. "Easy if you put it on your head. We used to carry water like that every day. Pleased to meet you, Matthew. My name is Woufnak."
"I don't have any flasks," said Pastor Ezekiel, "and we don't usually have tea at 9 o' clock in the morning."
"Didn't we bring any lunch?"
"Matthew, you've had your main meal of the day. We're having some soup when we get back. That is all." Matthew looked really upset.
"Are you thirsty?" asked Pastor Ezekiel. "Why don't you stick your head in the river?"
"Stick my head in the river?"
"Matthew, you can use my coffee mug," said Ahab. "I carry one myself. I get thirsty on a 10 hour trip sometimes and I dislike sticking my head in a river."
"City boys," said Woufnak, as Matthew took the mug from Ahab, climbed down a steep bank and scooped some water from the river. "You have had a sheltered life. In an African village you will learn how to pee behind a bush when there are no soldiers around and you will learn how to drink from a river."
"Woufnak and her family are Bush," said Ahab.
"You mean they live in the bush?"
"Bush is a derogatory African term for people who live in rural Africa and follow a primitive culture."
"It is not derogatory," said Woufnak, "I take it as a compliment. My family are Bush and we are proud of it. We are rural Africans and we follow a traditional African culture. Are you so safisticated with your running water and your Tampax tampons?"
"We might live longer if we have running water and Tampax tampons," said Ahab.
"You should have more children. A quarter of bush children die before their fifth birthday but a quarter of western pregnancies are ended by abortion. Which of our cultures is the most civilised?"

The group arrived at the tree. They were met by a small number of people including 2 or 3 African families.
"Is this all there is?" asked Matthew.
"There'll be more later on," said Pastor Ezekiel. "People in Africa don't wear watches. Don't expect them to turn up on time." A few more people arrived over the next half hour.
"Where's the preacher?" asked Matthew.
"You are the preacher," said Ahab.
"I didn't realise. I haven't prepared."
"What did you think was going to happen? The big name preacher of the cassette recorder has come to visit the church that he's supported for the last 20 years. People want to hear you preach, Matthew."
"I recorded those tapes years ago. Do people still have cassette recorders in Africa?"
"Yes we do," said Woufnak. "Internet access is available in the cities but in rural Africa it's easier to find some batteries for your walkman than it is to find a mobile phone signal. The tapes you recorded 20 years ago are still around."
"I really haven't thought of anything to say. I'll just step up to the mike and say what's on my mind."
"There isn't any mike," said Ahab.
"No but there might have been. I could have wired up an old radio so that I could amplify myself through it."
"For a small group of 20 people you don't need any amplification," said Pastor Ezekiel. "Make it simple. Tell them why you came here." By this time most of the congregation had gathered. Ahab opened the meeting in prayer.
"Lord, thank you for bringing Matthew to us safely today and we pray that you bless his visit to Jalingo and anoint whatever he has to say to us."
"I haven't come here as a missionary," said Matthew. "I'm a businessman, I'm an entrepeneur. I intend to use my amateur radio skills and my degree in Electronics to bring the internet to the most remote parts of the world. I will rent you a mobile phone for one dollar a week. God will bless me and I will become very rich."
"If you buy second hand mobile phones for 40 dollars and rent them for 1 dollar a week you will become very rich," said Pastor Ezekiel.
"I will spend all of my money on funding missionary work all over the world."
"I believe you, Matthew. Just one problem. These people live on 23 cents a day. They will never be able to afford a mobile phone."
"On the contrary," said Woufnak. "I would like a mobile phone."
"But one dollar a week is two thirds of your income," said Ahab.
"Poor people are like that," said Woufnak. "They always have a fantastic computer and a fantastic mobile phone and they never have enough money to pay the rent. That is the way they behave in England and that is the way they will behave in rural Africa when the internet comes around." Matthew decided he might try to preach a sermon after all.
"There seems to be a consensus of opinion that Jesus will come back in the next 30 years. I hear this everywhere I go."
"I used to hear it everywhere I went 30 years ago," said Pastor Ezekiel.
"I think that day is far closer than most people think," said Matthew. "It will happen in the twinkling of an eye. It will come like a thief in the night. Israel became a nation again in 1948. The gospel is being preached to the ends of the earth. There is a second generation of missionary organisations operating from countries like Nigeria."
"I know," said Pastor Ezekiel. "I run one."
"That is a very late sign of the second coming of Christ. This gospel of the kingdom will be preached in all the world and then the end will come. This gospel of the kingdom will be preached to all the world and then look for the statue of the Antichrist standing in the temple spoken of through the prophet Daniel. The generation who see the creation of Israel and the evangelism of the world will not pass away until Jesus comes again. I am sure this will happen in my lifetime, I am sure it will happen in Pastor Ezekiel's lifetime."
"I'm 63," said Pastor Ezekiel.
"Jesus will come back in the next 25 years," said Matthew.
"It is impossible to know," said Ahab, laughing.
"It is impossible for any man to know the hour," said Matthew. "That doesn't mean they can't know the century. Look at the signs. I would be surprised if we had hundreds of years, I really would. The meaning of the book of Daniel would be held back until the end. If people are starting to understand it now, that means it has been revealed. We are in the end times."
"Perhaps we don't understand the book of Daniel at all," said Pastor Ezekiel. "When these things do happen, our eschatology will all have to change. That's when we'll understand Daniel."

The next day the family had porridge for breakfast at six o' clock. It was an African porridge made with thick sorghum flour.
"Can I have some more milk in my porridge?" asked Matthew.
"Milk? What's that?" asked Ahab.
"We haven't got any milk anywhere in the house," said Pastor Ezekiel.
"What do you put in the porridge to make it wet?"
"Water," said Ahab. "What are you doing today?"
"I've seen a sign on a mountain path that says Banagon 35 kilometres."
"Make sure you eat all of your porridge. You need plenty of energy. It's a long walk."
"No, I was going to ask if I could borrow a bicycle."
"You'd be better off walking, Matthew," said Pastor Ezekiel. "I don't think my bicycle would be able to get up the steep hills."
"A motorbike?"
"You must be joking, mate."
"You can walk there in a day," said Ahab. "Just set off at half past six, you'll be there by tea time."
"When you get there, look for Banagon Bible College," said Pastor Ezekiel. "It's the only house with a room in the roof. I have a friend there called Pastor Macaroni."

At half past six Matthew was on the mountain path. It was an arduous journey with terrible gradients and Matthew was grateful for his sturdy St John Ambulance steel toe capped boots. At about lunchtime, Matthew could see a village several miles away on the side of a hill. Over the next 4 hours, Matthew's feet got more and more tired and the village ceased to be something that could be seen in the distance and Matthew slowly realised that he was now actually in it. Matthew found the house with the room in the roof. He knocked on the door.
"Is this Banagon Bible College?"
"Yes it is," said a frail, elderly African man who was wearing a shirt and a tie and a smart pair of trousers in the manner of someone who couldn't afford a suit. "I am Pastor Isaiah Macaroni."
"My name's Matthew. I'm staying with Pastor Ezekiel. Pleased to meet you." Pastor Macaroni led Matthew up the stairs to the attic room and unlocked the door.
"This is Banagon Bible College." The room had a large bookshelf full of theological books and a big table on which there was a large radio cassette recorder and a small cassette player with headphones. On the chest of drawers beside it there was a pile of notebooks and a stand full of pens.
"This place is crying out for internet access," said Matthew.
"And electricity," said Pastor Macaroni. "No use having internet unless you've got somewhere to plug in and charge up your tablet or your phone. We could also do a lot more if the room had an electric light."

The next year Matthew had bought a house on the same street. Pastor Macaroni watched from his window as a horse drawn cart pulled up outside Matthew's house. It was carrying a satellite dish, four big solar panels, some car batteries and several suitcases full of smaller electronic components.
"Hello Matthew," said Pastor Macaroni. "Would you like some help unloading the cart?"
"Thank you," said Matthew. "I'm going to put up overhead telegraph poles to provide electricity from my solar panels to the village and each pole will have a Wi-Fi router on the top."
"Do your masts produce that new kind of radiation that kills people?"
"No, that would be much too expensive. It's a standard UHF broadband router with a 5 watt amplifier so it can be heard on the ground." Matthew and Pastor Macaroni lifted all the heavy equipment from the cart. A few hours later, Matthew knocked on the door of Pastor Macaroni's house holding a mains extension lead in his hand, looking very excited.
"You can be my first customer," Matthew said. "I've wired a solar panel to 9 car batteries in series to give 110 volts DC mains. The local voltage is 110 volts DC, isn't it?" Pastor Macaroni picked up a radio alarm clock and plugged it into the mains extension lead. There was a flash and a bang. "Wrong. I need to fit an inverter."

A few months later the villagers had electrical sockets that worked at the correct voltage and most had mobile phones. Matthew was reading by the light of a low energy table lamp plugged into a wall socket, which he had decided was the simplest way to provide electric lighting to the village. The lamp went out. A few minutes later an African lady was banging on Matthew's front door.
"I plugged my microwave oven in and all the lights went out."
"There's only 500 watts on the whole circuit," Matthew explained. "Your microwave is more than 500 watts." A strong look of disbelief came over the woman's face.
"I plug my mobile phone charger in and it works. I plug my table lamp in and it works. Why can I not plug in my microwave oven?"
"Because they're only a few watts. The microwave oven is hundreds of watts. If the system can't provide hundreds of watts, the voltage will go down to zero." Matthew could tell from the look on the woman's face that she didn't believe him. The woman left and the electricity came back on. Matthew was beginning his mission to bring the internet and electricity to the remotest parts of the world so that the world could be evangelised in his lifetime. He could hear a television programme playing in another house, a familiar theme song from his childhood.
"This is what they call the Muppet Show." What else had he unleashed?