Men and Women

A study in the psycho-sexual predilection of subjects suffering from
celebrity obsession syndrome.

By Professor Sasha Stone and Dr. Mark Ashley

 
Professor Stone:-

Meg Ryan: You go for the more child-like types, women who aren't
threatening either physically or intellectually, you skate down the
middle and like to be seen at football games, soccer games and picnics
with your perky girlfriend or wife who can dress provocatively without
seeming overt (but she's sexy to you). Carnal knowledge not
required.

Jennifer Lopez: Your ideal evening would include a lot of tequila,
possibly the Rolling Stones blasting in the background (Jimi Hendrix is
a suitable alternative), you prefer total and complete nakedness at all
times. You'd end up in the shower eventually. Talking is secondary to
playful teasing. You would probably play childhood games like hide n'
see, tag and pin the tail on the donkey (hush now Rolando). What does
it say about you? You lead with your pecker but you aren't too picky.
Carnal knowledge definitely intact.

Cameron Diaz: A mixture of the above two, not quite Hitchockian but not
quite Peckinpah either. You like bubbly blondes who will impress your
friends and co-workers but you'd like to dabble in the carnal now and
again (make her pop a happy pill and all will be well). You had crushes
in high school on girls who were your friends but would never let you
pet their privates. What does it say about you? You live in an
escapist's world, far from reality. Carnal knowledge not a
requirement.

Helen Mirren: My kinda guy! Carnal knowledge in a big way. Not picky
about looks but digs the brainy chicks who make you feel kinda stupid
all the time. You have had a variety of womenfolk in your life and in
your bed. You like long dinners over good wine. Possible sound track:
Miles Davis, Sarah Vaughn. What does it say about you? You're
healthy.

Michelle Pfeiffer: Sadly, does not live in the real world. Puts women
up high on pedestal. Hitchcockian in a big way. Never got dates with
cheerleaders in high school but "settled" for the sweet girls with
"personality." Carnal knowledge does not come into play as it is
unnecessary in the final analysis. Sound track would be Kenny G. and
you'd be alone.

Julia Roberts: Most likely gay. If not gay, struggling with own
sexuality. If you once liked her but now you don't see Sandra Bullock.
You long to have a gal pal who'd get your face on the cover of a
tabloid or else you're addicted to prescription drugs. Carnal knowledge
not applicable.

Sandra Bullock: Wants desperately to marry. Is sick of showing up at
parties with the girl nobody looks at. Craves acceptance via the beauty
of his companion. Feels the desperate tug of inferiority. What does it
say about you? You pretend to be normal. Carnal knowledge a five on the
scale of one to ten.

Milla Jovavich: You feel you are on the outside looking in. No woman
has ever been able to reach your true inner self. But Milla could, you
think. You won't go near the girls who like you and you long to punish
the ones who don't. You're always searching for the right bowl of
porridge, unfortunately you have to go elsewhere to find it. Carnal
knowledge is at an all time high since it's fantasy-based.

Winona Ryder: You can't face getting old. You figure Winona's as weird
as you are and pretty enough to up your status in the tribe. You like
that she hides her va va voom figure for your eyes only. You don't want
to soil your image of her by dating other women or else you date
successfully but keep your love for Winona a secret. Carnal knowledge
not applicable.

Charlie Sheen: Way too smart for most crowds. You like clean cut types
who visit whorehouses regularly. You don't mind the drugs because you
can safely gaze upon him from afar. You ought to forget about Charlie,
though. He'll break your heart. Carnal knowledge - high, pretty darned
high.

Ewan McGregor: You dwell in the world of fantasy. You aren't old but
aren't young either. You like to think you'd like to live on the wild
side but the truth is you're secretly attracted to Ewan because he
reminds you of a clean cut boy who might deliver groceries. You see
yourself as Blanche Dubois at times (those desperate times). You aren't
afraid of the image of a penis, be it flacid or otherwise., therefore
you get high marks on the carnal knowledge scale.

Harvey Keitel: Again, you aren't afraid of the male member on screen.
You don't put looks high up on the list of desireable traits. You'd
like to have long conversations over good wine, listening to old Hank
Williams records. Carnal knowledge is high from personal experience.
You've dated lots of men and know first hand that the better looking a
guy the worse he is in bed.

Christian Slater: If you were crazy about River Phoenix then switched
to Christian Slater you long to be a rebel but could never accept the
grungy lifestyle that goes with it. You are intimidated by the real
thing (Jack Nicholson) so you go for the creamed down version. You
would rather be drawn in yet still retain your innocence, ie - you
allow yourself to be blindfolded and taken to a deep dark forest only
to be ravaged by the wicked wicked wolf. Carnal knowledge is pretty
well intact but you pretend it isn't.

Tim Robbins: The "thinking woman's" beefcake. You put politics before
sex, good intentions before actual genius and in general appreciate a
man who doesn't care how many wrinkles you have or how droopy your
breasts become. He is a man who apparently likes real women. To that
end, you consider yourself a real woman but secretly you like the fact
that he's almost seven feet tall and that, in the end, may be the real
reason he's so appealing to you. Carnal knowledge must be well intact
because he can't possibly know what he's doing.

Nicholas Cage: You obviously like a man who can get down and dirty and
has the bod to go along with it. You have at various times fantasized
about being Bruce's Jersey Girl, possibly Billy Joel's Uptown Girl and
definitely ZZ Top's She's Got Legs. You would likely be the type to do
a private lap dance for Nick because you know he'd appreciate it. You
aren't threatened by macho but you like a man who cries. You aren't
particularly picky about men as long as they slober at the sight of
nakedness. You say hey honey, take a walk on the wild side (and the
colored girls go do do do do do...) Whoops, got lost in the moment.
Where was I? What was I--oh, yes. Carnal knowledge not entirely
developed. You're willing and ready to experiment.

Dr. Ashley:-

Leonardo De Caprio: Paedophilia *is* a crime you know. Carnal knowledge
should *definitely* not be considered, try therapy.

Professor Stone:-

Oh, yes. I concur with my colleague. I would add that one can test
one's health in this regard by doing some soul-searching. Are you now
or have you ever liked the Spice Girls?

Dr. Ashley:-

The Spice Girls: To any man who is attracted to The Spice Girls there
is one important fact that you should know, the majority of their fan
bas falls into one distinct category, young girls between six and
twelve. If you fell comfortable amongst this peer group then fair
enough, but you should keep in mind that many of you friends and
colleagues may not be so broad minded.

Johnny Depp: Well they do say that it is easier for women to come to
terms with their bisexuality, so keep on with the baby steps, perhaps
you could try k. d. lang next, maybe one day you'll achieve the full
Ellen. Carnal knowledge? Of a kind?

Professor Stone:-

Here I must disagree with my colleage doktor Ashley. If you like
Johnnie Depp you probably like him more for his good reputation as
someone who connects with the supercool: Hunter S. Thompson, Marlon
Brando and the like. Any carnal knowledge you might feel should be
re-directed into your art.

Dr. Ashley:-

It is true to say that Johnny Depp does bring with him a body of
interesting work and reputation, but I must ask, is that the body that
you're looking at. If you can stand up and proclaim the same amount of
love and devotion to Steve Buschemi then I'll grant you that clemency.
otherwise this may be a case for further study.

Kiefer Sutherland: You're just kidding yourself, why not come all the
way out and admit you're a Kenneth Brannagh fan. Carnal Knowledge?
Depends on how strong your stomach is.

Professor Stone:-

Yes, once again Doktor Ashley has hit the nail on the head, if you
will. I would add that if you like Keifer you are probably likely to
stalk Julia Roberts at some point. But if you are, in fact, an "out"
Kenneth Branagh fan, then you are one who doesn't consider looks over
brains (see Charlie Sheen) and would rather have someone who could make
you laugh in the morning rather than someone who would make you cry
(see Charlie Sheen).

Dr. Ashley:-

Matt! Damon: Closet Leonardo fan - see above. Unlike the full blown
Leonardo fan you are at least aware of the law, and have some sense of
decency. Carnal Knowledge? Yes, ok, but think about what you're
doing.

Professor Stone:-

Here, I take issue with the "esteemed" Dr. Ashley. MATT! fans range in
age and occupation. You are either a nervous and freaked out teen (oh,
my GOD! Sexuality, SEXUALITY! Oh, my GOD!) or else you're a nervous and
freaked out post-biological-clock ticking thirtysomething (Oh, my GOD!
SEXUALITY! SEXUALITY! MATT!). You like him in spite of your better
judgment. You know he's a teen idol yet you can't help yourself. You
are likely to hide your affection by renting his films in your own
private world. You are embarrassed that you like MATT! but you can't
find a way out. You're in a world of hurt.

Dr. Ashley:-

I notice that you disagree with me quite violently about MATT! The lady
doth protest too much methinks. Could it be that you are yourself
afflicted with this condition? I have to admit, it is better than going
for the clearly prepubescent Leonardo (and a poor woman's River Phoenix
- how quickly we/I forget).

Mel Gibson: So, biological clock ticking, still no children. I'm
terribly sorry, but this isn't going to help. You don't have time to
fantasise about this cheeky, yet loveable family man, he will not be
the father of your children. Try watching MAVERICK, the overacting may
possibly cure you, if not, seeing him with Jodie Foster may give you
one or two clues to his true nature. Nothing to look forward to on the
carnal front.

Keanu Reeves. You have a clear and exaggerated mother fixation. You
clearly want someone with a guaranteed lower IQ than you, and you're
not bothered about wood. As for any carnal intentions, as long as you
can tuck him up in bed at night and read him a story then a suitable
autoerotic device and fresh batteries should take care of the
residuals.

Sean Connery: How old exactly are you? Connery stopped being Bond in
the 70's we've had four more since then. If however you also list
Patrick Stewart, Donald Pleasance and Kevin Spacey then you should know
it's not true, bald men are not more virile, that's just what women say
to them to stop them feeling selfconcious. Note: This also applies to
Dustin Hoffman's nose - complete myth. Carnal knowledge, well that's
what you were hoping, but you'll have to wait for him to finish his
cocoa.

Paul Newman: Perfectly normal red blooded woman, carry on. ASIDE: In
THE SURE THING Gibb clearly recognised (and mimed an attack on) the
poster of Paul Newman as his chief rival to Alison's affection and not
her current boyfriend Jason. Even pictures of this man should come with
a health warning.

Helen Hunt: You really like Jodie Foster, but even if she turns out to
be heterosexual (and you're not sure), she's way out of your league.
Truth is Helen Hunt is way out of your league as well, you just don't
realise it, Linda Hunt is more your style. Carnal knowledge? Fat
chance.

Professor Stone:-

Yes, more kudos to my esteemed colleague. But (she leans back in her
armchair and re-lights the pipe) don't you think that Helen's sexuality
is under question as well? Point is, Helen Hunt is a woman encounter of
the marrying kind. Men who like Helen figure they can get a date with
her. They don't regard her as beyond their reach. She's Jennifer
Anistoned all over the big screen, if you will. She's taken the Bullock
out of Sandra. She's the girl next door with the great big cans. Carnal
knowledge is about a six. Plenty of groping, not a lot of a crazed
balls-out abandon.

Dr. Ashley:-

Sharon Stone: The rumours are not true, she *does* wear underwear. Best
thing you can do is splash out on some pornography, or perhaps it's a
toss up between Traci Lords and Ingrid Pitt.

Professor Stone:-

Thank you for reminding me. Sharon Stone, definitely Hitchcockian, in a
big way. Uptown poontang for those men who spend a lot of dough at
Blackjack, Stone is the gal for you. You like that she's now considered
"smart" so you don't have to be embarrassed about liking her. You could
also fall into the category of the type who liked her better before you
found out she was smart. Now you're not sure. She seems smart, she
seems wacky. And she dyes her pubes. In short: you're in denial. Seek
therapy. Carnal knowledge high, about a nine.

Dr. Ashley:-

Demi Moore: You used to fancy Kathleen Turner but found she looked too
much like a normal woman. So now you've opted for a younger model with
a similar high octane voice and optional accessories. You've dumped the
Rolls Royce for a sportier model, only to find that you can't get the
spare parts. Carnal knowledge. Why not fill her up and take for a spin
round the block.

Professor Stone:-

There you go. You definitely fancied Kathleen during her BODY HEAT era.
You still watch that video and swoon when Bill Hurt tosses the chair
through the glass. You'd definitely show her your chimes in she showed
you hers. BODY HEAT Kathleen means you're possibly into uptown poontang
who can also get down and dirty, even acrobatic should the mood strike
you. Secretly, you have been known to request a specific phone sex
fantasy whereupon you'd be groped by a Vegas showgirl but just before
peak season she'd walk out on you, having lifted your wallett. Carnal
knowledge is low. You think all women beg for more like Kathleen (when
in truth they want you to murder their husbands).

Demi Moore - this is a little more complicated. A recent post STRIP
TEASE moore fetish would mean you're a lonely guy who wants to get
serviced, plain and simple. No fancy talk, no candlelight dinner.
You're Joe Pesci in CASINO ("Take care o'me"). Moore has that
aims-to-please pout you long for. She seems like she might even dabble
in your much-desired taboos, those things men dare not even talk about.
You are most likely married and therefore feel free to wonder what it
would be like to be serviced by such a willing partner (you figure,
hell, "if bone Michael Douglas she might bone me too.")

Dr. Ashley:-

Heather Graham: Normal healthy hot blooded male. this woman is
guaranteed to raise the hopes of any heterosexual man.

Professor Stone:-

Heather Graham, sure, to borrow a poetic phrase from The Rolling
Stones, she could make a dead man come. Butcha know...She's definitely
pseudo-intellectual film school grad bait. She's the kind of girl a USC
student might pine away over while she either pats him on the head in a
patronizing fashion or else has him do endless favors for her in return
for being seen with him at some film school party. Carnal knowledge -
varies, unimportant.

Dr. Ashley:-

Drew Barrymore: Yes, well, I don't think we should talk about this too
much, you're just one step away from Christina Ricci here, next thing
you know it'll be Natalie Portman and then your in serious trouble.
Carnal Knowledge? Not if you want to stay out of jail.

Professor Stone:-

Yes, good point. But I think Drew Barrymore fans have grown to like her
as a childwoman but wouldn't object if she dressed up in pigtails and a
Catholic girls school uniform. That wouldn't be out of line. But there
are some Drew fans who like to think of themselves as hip. They wear
tattoos, they may have once ridden a Harley. She's definitely a popular
choice among baby boomers who long to take Viagra and rediscover the
human body.

Dr. Ashley:-

Isabella Rossilini: Do I need to say it? What you really want is Ingrid
Bergman, but you can't face being sexually attracted to someone who is
dead (or at least you wont admit it). See also Ginger Rogers and Olivia
De Haviland. Carnal Knowledge? You tell me.

Professor Stone:-

Yes, you might have also imprinted the image of her BLUE VELVET
tromping around in the nude. If so (someone claims to have had an
orgasm during the "take off your pants! Do eet!" scene) and you long to
be with a woman who likes to get slapped, you are a man who dwells more
comfortably in the fantasy world. You watch pornos and surf internet
porn. You don't tell anyone about it but admit to admiring the work of
Isabella. Carnal knowledge is about a five - you know all the ins and
out of monkey pulling but not so much about a woman (but you'd be open
to lessons).

Dr. Ashley:-

Jennifer Anniston: An unusual case, man attracted to her clearly go for
a short skirt and animated breasts (the proverbial two rabbits in a
sack - small but lively rabbits). Women also are aware of Anniston and
should not be surprised when discussing with their partner if he would
like you to copy her hairstyle, the partner says "what hairstyle". It
would be surprising if any man actually knew what her face looked
like.

Professor Stone:-

It is hard not to gaze at her breasts, I'll give you that

Dr. Ashley:-

Sandra Bullock: Another interesting subject. The "ugly duckling" of
Hollywood. It seems that Hollywood is fixated on hair colour and has
not noticed that Cameron Diaz is more of a duck than Bullock, thanks to
her blond bob. Neither of course are ugly, but then Hollywood speaks a
different form of English to the rest of the English speaking
world.

Sarah Jessica Parker: Not a bad choice, it's just a pity that all your
going for is women with three names. Mary Stuart Masterson, Jennifer
Jason Leigh and Helena Bonham Carter, are all on your list, either that
or you prefer altitude challenged women. Carnal knowledge? Possibly if
you make your mind up.

Professor Stone:-

Once again, my esteemed colleague seems to psycho-analyzing his own
self. But since you brought it up, women with three names obviously
take themselves very seriously. Otherwise, why bother? High
maintenence, they are called. To that end, we have no choice but to
conclude that a man (or a woman) who would be interested in any one of
these, is definitely looking beyond the carnal (see Jennifer Lopez)
toward the intellectual. Or else, they'd like people to think that.
Truth is, these women have a reputation for taking off their clothes
and all have played tramps at one time or another. Your carnal
knowledge must be well-intact for they are to likely be the indifferent
types, more concerned with staring out a window than pleasuring you
sexually.

Ammendment 1A-

Some Jennifer Jason Leigh fans have been known to be slightly
disturbed. That is, they like her because she's not afraid to ... dare
I say it, take a walk on the wild side (and the colored girls go do do
do do do), oh, sorry. Where was I? Ah, yes. The wild side. Not in the
traditional sense (see Jennifer Lopez) but in another way entirely.
Jennifer has "neurotic" written all over her so you might be the type
to hold someone's head up while they vomitted in the toilet, say, after
a binge drinking episode. In this case, carnal knowledge will likely be
supressed.

Dr. Ashley:-

Yes, it's a fair cop, these are all personal fantasy women (JJL etc).
In my defence I have to add that my favourite Jennifer Jason Leigh film
is THE BIG PICTURE, anyone who says it is LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN is
lying, I never said that, and I haven't seen the film anyway, and you
can't prove that I did.