On the floor where she sits

To the girl on the floor,

I know why you are down there, on that floor. The floor that people trample their muddy feet on, the floor that gathers dirt and dust, the floor where spiders crawl out of dark black holes into their sticky webs ready to catch their prey.

It's a familiar place to you - hidden away, a dirty secret to so many people. So downtrodden by the people who appear confident enough to say they belong in this world The people who have been so sure in their kicks, punches and touches. The people who have a reason for all of the above - evidence of why you deserve it. Emotional, physical blows...one follows the other and the other and the other. It's like a drug - you've built up such a resistance to the snide remarks, the put downs, people using you as a punchbag. You remember their faces towering looming over you - hell hidden in a body that looks human but isn't. Venom and poison dripping off every word they speak , the wrath of a demon behind each carefully aimed punch. The faces oh god they haunt you....linger in nightmares and flashbacks like ghosts. So they beat you harder, more frequently, you must always suffer.

You get used to one pattern they follow, they aren't stupid and therefore it shifts up a gear. How long can it go on? When is enough too much? You are a zombie now, moving talking always with the mask on..put up the facade. DON'T let it slip, never ever let it slip. Someone might guess. He said he would kill your sister if you told.

They have beaten you. Run you down into the dirt on the floor you sit on. You are fractured, broken, something to be disregarded, he demolished you. Yes his physical form may not be here now but that doesn't mean he's gone. His face dangerously close - erase it! Try and block it out! But you can't.

You need oblivion. If only you could forget for one second, take a sip out of the cup of a 'normal' life. A life where your only worry is getting out of the office on time or what to have for dinner....wow!! In your wildest dreams you fantasise of that life - what would it feel like to be loved, accepted, appreciated and worth something? You honestly don't know. To have that second of peace inside. A moment where what he did doesn't hit you like a train, squashing any other emotions so all that's left for you to feel is dirty shame, unclean, tainted, marked, fear, sadness, guilt, worry, scared.....all of those feelings they stay. Clinging into you like parasites, eating you alive like maggots.

There's nothing left for you. You are a shell of a human now. He completely ruined you, ruined any sorry excuse of a life you had. That is why you are on the floor isn't it? It's where you belong. It's been drummed into you - YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. STAY DOWN THERE WITH THE SCUM AND GRIME THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE. A NOBODY. A NOTHING.

The only time you're taken off the floor is to be thrown on a bed ripped open yet again. Torn apart wounded and left to bleed. Do you remember what he used to say when you bled? Those words echo inside your fractured mind, do I write then? Do I spell them out on paper? A bunch of letters structured into the words that make you sick to your stomach, the words disgusting, dirty, evil words....he said 'I don't mind getting blood on my sword' a sword to you is something a brave noble knight would use to slay a dragon whilst trying to save his princess....in what context is he using the word sword?

You remember pain. Pain and blood, pain deep inside you fermenting your insides and blood on the sheets. You used to sit in the corner-remember? With that towel between your legs catching the injuries caused by the so called 'sword'. You were on the floor then and it's where you want to stay. On the floor you can curl up into a ball, a scrumpled piece of human waste waiting to be thrown out. That way you're in your place, there's a pecking order and you aren't even on it so you'll stay on the base line of the earth. Forgotten. Just another abuse victim statistic. But the floor keeps you grounded, it has its own security...keep feeling it beneath you, holding you like a mother does with her child, cradling you, stopping you falling even lower down into the bowels of the worlds.

To that girl in the floor - are you down there in hope that someday, somehow, someone will stop-notice you, hold out their hands and pull you up? Lift you and begin pulling you out of the sticky cobwebs and dirt? You could wait the rest of your life in the vain hope you would mean enough for someone to help you.

You don't think you are worthy enough to stand to stand shoulder to shoulder with the rest of mankind. You know what they are thinking....'disappear you fucking freak! Go away! Stop bothering us! You are a burden that no one wants to carry with them. Go and vanish then we don't have to deal with you' they have a right to say that, your life is null and void. You're ruined, your empty so sit on that floor!!
You don't think you can face him from anywhere else. You need to protect and preserve yourself because you don't think you could bear to lose what's left and that isn't much. I know you're frightened. If you start to face him you'll have to accept the reality of what's happened.

Good luck.

From,
The person you live in.