The funk

If I'd known they were going to play funk
I wouldn't have come to this bar.
Things have gone from bad to worse. I left my housekeys behind
and my wallet and my phone
and I'm waiting in the pub round the corner for my flat mate to come home
and they're playing funk.

The barmaid keeps looking at me,
bored in the corner, staring out the window,
she must be thinking 'What's that guy's problem?'
It doesn't even cross her mind – maybe he doesn't like my funk.

But his problem can't be the funk
if he didn't like it he'd just come to the bar and say
Excuse me, I don't like this funk
could you pt on something else.
She doesn't realise some people just suffer in silence.
They don't help themselves.

There's nothing I'd like more than to say SWITCH OFF THIS BULLSHIT!
It's giving me a headache! And I'm already stressed
about being locked out for God knows how long
so I just bottle it up, watch the afternoon turn to dusk,
nursing this pint, thinking of my wallet on the coffee table,
a couple of twenties fresh from the cash point
the things I could do with them.
My housekeys on the ledge by the toothbrush
the only time they've ever been put there,
remember seeing them thinking What a strange place for my keys to be
and it's only when the door clicked shut behind me and I realised
THE KEYS THE KEYS!
A temper that could kick doors down if only my anger wasn't so insular
and now I'm being punished by this funk. This funk.

Knowing this is all my fault, a catalogue of my own errors
putting house keys next to the Macleans
never having trusted anyone enough with a spare key
for never getting to know my neighbours
not saying to the barmaid Excuse me, could I ask you to turn off this fucking funk
I'm sure she wolnd't have minded
it's probably just from her laptop
change it to Pulp or something. Everyone's got Pulp on their laptop.
She might not even have liked it. She might have just put funk on
thinking everyone likes funk
or maybe she put it on especially for me
as soon as I walked in she thought I bet that guy likes funk
I'll give him a treat.

The logic of putting my keys on the ledge by that sink
will stay with me forever.