Fibber And The After Life - Part 1

 

Fibber And The After Life  

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Kx2VMbo5a8

Part 1

By Paul McCann

 

It was a cold rainy afternoon and Fibber had just got paid . After counting up  his out goings on his fingers and thumbs he subtracted that from his pay and  worked out what was left . With the extra hours he had done Fibber had some extra money this week so he decided to call into the department store on the way home and buy a new coat . As he walked along the footpath he stepped around puddles left by the rain . Stepping  inside Eze Breeze Super Store Fibber tried to avoid the small army of shop assistants who immediately came to welcome him into the store . All to no avail however Fibber was cornered by six over friendly underpaid shop assistants in the menswear section .

He gave in and allowed one of them to bring some coats for his approval .

In the end Fibber was glad of the help because the staff managed to find him a coat that was reduced to half price of the original cost which was Forty Pounds . After paying for the coat he thought to himself ,

Yes , I’ve enough for a pint at Mc Gees and they can all see the new coat .

He made a fast exit out of Ezi Breeze store and was soon walking through Mc Gees front door . He walked slowly to the bar like a fashion model on a catwalk where he ordered a pint and then went to a centre table where he could be seen by everyone in the bar . He placed his glass on the table and  slowly took off his coat hanging it on the back of the chair , Then he gave the barman a shout ,

“Topper . Keep your eye on my pint and new coat .I have to use the toilet.”

 Topper gave a lazy wave and Fibber went to the toilet .

After a few moments Fibber returned to discover his drink had been drunk and the coat was gone .

“Hey Topper, what’s going on ,I told you to watch my pint and my new coat ,.”

“I did but you’re woman came and took it home for you and finished your pint .

Fibber was somewhere between distraction and disbelief and said .

”What woman ?

Topper replied ,

“Your wife .

“I have no wife ,she divorced me years ago .“

Topper looked to the ceiling and said

“Well how would I have known that .Fibber ,  sorry about that .
“Your sorry , how do you think I feel . You know what , see I just forked out half a weeks wages on that coat .

Fibber put the head down and walked out of Mc Gees . On the way home he went to the gas company to  pay his gas bill . The salesman greeted Fibber

“What’s wrong Fibber , You look upset , Is everything ok ?

He replied ,

“Some dirty good for nothing thief of a woman has just stole my new leather coat . I’ve just bought it no more than a half an hour ago . It cost me twenty pounds . How am I ever going to keep warm and dry now  ?”

The postal worker responded ,

“Fibber do you believe in God ?“

“Of course I believe in God but what’s that got to do with it . How’s that ever going to get my coat back ?”

 

The postal worker looked into Fibbers eyes and said

“I want you to go home and write God a letter . Tell him exactly what happened and how much you spent on the coat and if you believe in God  , you’ll get your money back .“

Fibber thought for a moment  and said

“Well I suppose I have nothing to loose . Ok , I’ll do what you said .”

 

That night before going to bed Fibber started to write a letter .

 

“Dear God ,

Its me , Fibber and I’m just after loosing my new leather coat that cost me twenty pounds . Some sleazy sneaky woman had just walked into to Mc Gees bar there as I was relieving myself in the toilet and she just grabbed my new coat from the chair . How can I ever keep warm on the cold nights ahead   .

Can you please get me the money back I spent  as soon as possible .

Thank you God  ,

 

Yours Sincerely ,

or maybe I should say yours faithfully ,

 

Fibber Fusco McFadden .

 

 

He put the letter into an envelope and wrote To God in bid letters on the envelope . Then before going to bed Fibber walked to the post office and dropped the letter into the box .

That night as the mail sorters were going through the postal articles one of them came across this letter addressed to God and as he was from the well to do side of the city he decided that he would to open it .

As he read the contents he shouted out to all of his work colleagues ,

‘Listen to this everybody ,  Fibber McFadden had his new twenty pound coat stolen this afternoon in Mc Gees . That’s a terrible thing to have happened .Why don’t we all put something in and see how much we can collect and on my way home from work I’ll drop it off in that envelope , I know where Fibber lives . I’m sure that’s bound to cheer him up  “

Everyone agreed and 18 pounds was raised between all the postal workers . So as promised on the way home , the post office worker slipped the letter with thirty eight pounds in it under Fibbers door  .

 

When morning came Fibber got out of bed and on his way to the kitchen he saw the letter lying there at the front door and rushed over to open it up .

He could hardly believe his eyes when he counted out 18 pounds and shouted

“Thank you God for getting me my money back ,“

that morning Fibber went back to the gas company to tell what happened .

The salesman there greeted Fibber again before saying ,

“Good morning Mr McFadden , did you do what I told you ?”

Fibber smiled and then replied ,

I did and sure enough this morning I got 18 pounds back .“

The worked looked a little concerned and said ,

“But didn’t you say it was twenty pounds that the coat cost “

Fibber replied ,

“I did , but you know what those thieving bastards in the post office are like :”

With that he left and made his way back to Ezi Breeze Department store where to his surprise the same coat was reduced again to ten pounds .

Now with his new coat again and enough for  a few pints Fibber walked back to Mc Gees where he again slowly paraded the new coat as he walked up to the bar where he ordered a pint . He could feels the eyes on him as he stood waiting for the barman to fill his glass . After taking a seat and sipping on his beer he took a coaster from the table a wrote down a message ,

“this coat belongs to me . Do not touch it .

Signed - Champion boxer , Fists McFadden‘

Then he told the barman to keep an eye ion his coat and drink while he went to the toilet . When Fibber returned from the gents he saw that his coat was gone and his glass was empty and on the other side ot the drink coaster somebody had written a message

“Thanks for the coat .“

Signed – Champion Runner – Flash Flanagan .

Fibber screamed out to the barman ,

“Hey Topper where’s my coat and drink gone . I told you to keep an eye on them .“

The barman replied ,

“I was Fibber but this woman came in and took your coat .She said she was your Mother In Law and that you knew she was taking your coat as she had to do some alterations to it and that you could pick up your coat at her house later on.. She’s just after leaving out that door just a second ago . ”

 

‘I’ll fix her game .“

screamed Fibber who rushed out the door . As he stood on the pavement he had a scout around , then he seen them . He could hardly believe his eyes for there they were . The two of them just across the road waving . It was his Ex-wife Fiona and the Ex-Mother in law , Sour-Face Flanagan .

Fibber couldn’t control his anger as he seen them both wearing his leather coats . In a fit of rage and without looking , he ran straight on to the road and  right in front of a number 89 double Decker bus that collected and killed him instantly  .

 

When Decker opened his eyes he found he was sitting there waiting with lots of people he knew outside the gates of Hell . Two of them were wearing his leather coats . He looked angrily at his ex wife and his ex Mother in-Law and before he could speak , they said

“It was just a joke Fibber we never meant any harm . When we saw you were hit by the bus we came running to see if you were ok and both of us ran straight in front of a truck that took us both . So here we are the three of us .“

Fibber was just about to give then a piece of his mind when old Nick approached them with his pitchfork and the Hades admission book . He looked at the three of them and checked his book , then asked them all for their names .

 

They all spoke at once I’m Fibber , I’m Fiona his Ex and I’m Mrs Flanagan  his Ex Mother in Law . Nick checked his list a number of times and said .

 

“I’d like to welcome you all to the pits of hell where you are going to spend a lot of  time

weeping and gnashing your teeth .“

Mrs Flanagan replied ,

“But I don’t have any teeth .“

Old Nick replied .

“Teeth will be provided .“

 

Fiona began weeping and wailing ,

”Oh Mr D , you wouldn’t like it when I start weeping . I would put your head away . Just ask Fibber he’ll tell you . All our married life I made his life Hell

if you excuse the pun .“.    

Fibber then said

“ Never a truer word had she ever spoke Nick .  The thing is Mr Beelzebub , there must be some mistake , could you check your books again . I’ve never done anybody any harm and maybe somebody has put my name by mistake in your books . I’m not the only Fibber m there’s lots of Fibbers  in the world  could you just check once more time , my name is Frankie Junior , Alias Fibber Fusco McFadden  . “

 

Old Nick looked at the three of them and stuck his pitchfork into the ground  and opened up the book again . He ran his finger up and down some opf the pages and after a few moments he said .

  

“I don’t know how this has happened but going by the information in this  book there seems to be a small discrepancy between the temptations I send and the amount of sins you all actually committed . You have all been given the right to one interview at the Gates up there instead . So there is just a slight chance that you might not have to stay here with me forever , which I’m not very happy about . However if Peter , who has the keys to the other place   decides to send you back to me , then I’m going to really turn up the heat  .“

 

Mrs Flanagan , shouted ,

“So you mean we’re free to go .“ 

Nick took his pitchfork and pointed to a door and said .

 

:”Go through that door , and take the lift to the second floor , but remember , I’ll be here waiting for you top return .“

Then Nick  disappeared in a puff of smoke .

 

.............To be continued Part 2