Shenanigans - Part 3

Continued ..

Shenanigans

 

Part 3

 

A Play

By Paul McCann

 

 

Act Two 

A scene set to portray an old woman’s sitting room . There is a china cabinet with various pieces on display .Some china , an wedding photo , glassware a few armchairs and a nest of small tables tucked away underneath a coffee table . Some old photos and pictures are hung on the wall . A couple of rugs lie thrown upon the floor . The majority of the props should reflect a widows home . 

The scene begins with Mrs Dempsy saying her rosary . She fumbles with the beads on her rosary as a knock comes to the door . She tries to get up out of the chair but slow and steady is her way . The knocking persists . After a few attempts she manages to stand and then she reaches for a walking stick .

Mrs Dempsy –“I’m coming . Can’t you even give an old woman some time .
I’m coming . (She opens the door) Oh come in . Come in.

(Very reverently Father Tom walks inside)

Tom-“ Hello Mrs Dempsy . God bless all here . Father Andrew left a note in his dairy to visit you today and since I’m the visiting priest I thought I would introduce myself to you in person . I hope I’m not intruding .“

Mrs Dempsy-“ You’re very welcome Father . Whatw as your name again ?”
]
Tom-“Oh how ignorant of me . I’m Father Tom from America .”

Mrs Dempsy –“ Well let me have a look at you for heavens sake .“
(She eyes him up and down )

Tom-“I’m only here for a brief visit .“

(She continues to glare and stare ’’

Mrs Dempsy-“Oh sure you are . That’s right . I used to have a gardener who looked exactly like you .“

Tom-“Hello “. ( A little unsure of himself )

Mrs Dempsy-“Show me your hands .“

(Tom places his hands out before her . She inspects them )

Mrs Dempsy –“These don’t look like priests hands . These are hands that have worked hard .“ 

Tom-“That’s right so . I was a late vocation to the priesthood .”

Mrs Dempsy-“Well I suppose that could explain it .“

Tom-“Sure enough .“

Mrs Dempsy –“People think just because I’m old I’m not too smart . But I’m still as sharp as a pin and you’ll not pull one over my eyes I can tell you..”

Tom-“ I can see that all right Mrs Dempsy .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ What did you say you’re name was again ?”

Tom –“ I’m Reverend Father Thomas Dough from America . “ 

Mrs Dempsy-“You’ll have to speak a bit louder .I’m hard of hearing .“

Tom –“(Shouting )I’m Reverend Thomas .“

Mrs Dempsy-“Sure you are now and you don’t need have to shout . Just talk to my face . I can read lips you know .“

Tom-“ I’m sorry .”

Mrs Dempsy –“ What did you say ?”

Tom- (Turning to face her ) “ I’m sorry for your trouble .”

Mrs Dempsy-“What trouble ?”

Tom-“Your hearing .“

Mrs Dempsy-“I’m hearing what ?”

Tom-“Your hearing problem .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ I wouldn’t have a hearing problem if it wasn’t for the function I went to as a young girl .They played the music much too loud .I tried to tell them . Do you think they would turn it down ?”

Tom-“ Well I just wanted to say hello .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ Sit down Father . (She points to the armchair ) Have you time for a chat ?”

Tom-“ I can’t stay long “

Mrs Dempsy –“What ?“

Tom –(Turning to face her ) I can’t stay too long . I’ve got things to do at the presbytery . You know the priestly duties and all that .“

Mrs Dempsy “ So where did you say Father Andrew was ?”

Tom-“He is at an important function . “

Mrs Dempsy –“ An important what ?”

Tom-“It doesn’t matter Mrs Dempsy , Yes I have time for a chat >”

Mrs Dempsy -“Father Thomas thenis it ?”

Tom- “Father Tom is fine Mrs Dempsy .“

Mrs Dempsy-“ From America ?”

Tom-”That’s right .“

Mrs Dempsy –“So . Whats the name of your parish over there ?“

Tom-“ St Judes .”

Mrs Dempsy-‘ The patron of lost causes .“

Tom- That’s him all right .”

Mrs Dempsy – And you’re here for how long ?”

Tom –“Not too much longer .“ ( As he begins to rises from the armchair she motions for him to sit back down ) 

Mrs Dempsy –“Sit down Father Tom . See the thing is people are always in a hurry these days . They don’t have time to sit and talk .“

Tom –“ I have a lot of paperwork to do . Kids confessions are coming up .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ What ?”

Tom (Turning to face her ) Kids confessions .”

Mrs Dempsey “I thought confessions where before mass on Sunday morning Father .“

Tom –“They are . Mrs Dempsy , its paper work I’m talking about .“

Mrs Dempsy –“What kind of work ?”

Tom-“Paper work .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ Tell me about that . What is paper work Father ?”

Tom-“Oh you don’t really wan t to know .“

Mrs Dempsy – “Maybe I do . How would you know ?“

Tom –“Well its very time consuming .“ 

Mrs Dempsy-“ I see well then . You better get to it instead of sitting around here talking .”

Tom-“Right then . (He rises from the armchair )

Mrs Dempsy –( Pointing her finger to the chair) Sit down and listen to what I’m trying to tell you . So you’ve come to visit me but really the thing is, you’ve actually no time for a visit because you have too much paper work to do . Am I right ?”

Tom-“ Well its not that I haven’t time . Its just I have some other important things to do as well .“

Mrs Dempsy-“So I’m not that important then ?“

Tom –“I didn’t say that .”

Mrs Dempsy-“So if you have so many important things to do why did you bother coming to visit me in the first place ?”

Tom-“I’m sorry .“

Mrs Dempsy-“Sorry for what .“

Tom-“For visiting .“

Mrs Dempsy –“Don’t be sorry Father . I’m just sorry because we don’t have any time for a chat .”

Tom –“ No Mrs Dempsy . I will make time for a chat . “

Mrs Dempsy –Who did you say you were again ?”

Tom – ‘I’m Father Tom from America .”

Mrs Dempsy-“Sure you are .“

Tom-“ You don’t sound convinced about that Mrs Dempsy .”

Mrs Dempsy –“ Oh well tell me . Are you a catholic ?”

Tom-“ Of course .”

Mrs Dempsy –“ Where did you do your studies ?”

Tom- “In America .“

Mrs Dempsy- ‘What part of America ?”

Tom –“ Floridas .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ Well noe isn’t it a small world . I have some family members in Florida . Do you know the Meehans Fath ?”

Tom –“Florida is a big place Mrs Dempsy .“

Mrs Dempsy –“Well sure it might be but big John Meehan gets himself around and I’m sure you would have bumped into him somewhere .”

Tom-“ I can’t say that I have Mrs Dempsy .”

Mrs Dempsy-“ Well maybe it’s just as well then .”

Tom-“ Why is that ?”

Mrs Dempsy-“ Because there is no such a person .”

Tom-“ What?”

Mrs Dempsy-“ Well it was just one of my trick questions to see if I could catch you out .“

Tom-”You’re confusing me Mrs Dempsy .”

Mrs Dempsy -”Well the thing is I have to be sure who I’m talking to .“

Tom-“Oh indeed you’re a wise one Mrs Dempsy .”

Mrs Dempsy-“ All these tricks I have are a wealth of knowledge that’s taken me a lifetime to acquire . I’m trying to pass them on to you Father .”

Tom-“That’s a decent thing sure enough .”

Mrs Dempsy –“ The knowledge I have is beyong logic . It’s like looking outside before you come in . Do you know what I mean ?”

Tom-‘sure enough , that’s a good way to look at it all right . “

Mrs Dempsy –“ Now the thing what I’m trying to tell you is , do you knock the door of a person you know or do you walk right in without knocking ?”

Tom-“ Well that’s a good question ?”

Mrs Dempsy –“ Well you should know .“

Tom-“Life is full of good questions but there’s not enough answers 

Mrs Dempsy-“ Hold on a minute . If you were to go back outside my front door and this time don’t knock just come inside and sit down .“

Tom- “ What about if I do that the next time I visit .How would that be Mrs Dempsy ?”

Mrs Dempsy – “Didn’t you say you were going back to America soon ?”

Tom-“Indeed I did . Sure you are the bright spark .”

Mrs Dempsy-“ Just because you’re from America doesn’t mean you’ve anything on me . I know all about America .“

Tom-Is this another trick question ?”

Mrs Dempsy-“No , its just I know lots of people over in America . As a matter of fact the Hennebrys , O’Driscolls , O’Briens ,and I have letters from a Christian organization in East Florida who write to me once a month .”

Tom-“I’m dumbfounded by the things you’re saying .“

Mrs Dempsy-“ I used to write plays and I send a few of them over to America to a theatre company who actually read them and sent me a note of thanks and they even told me to keep writing . “

Tom-“ Fancy that . That inspiring Mrs Dempsy .“

Mrs Dempsy-“ I’ve got a question for you Father Tom .”

Tom- “Fire away .”

Mrs Dempsy-“ Do you drink tea ?”

Tom-” Is this another one of your trick questionsMrs Dempsy ?”

Mrs Dempsy-“ No . On all honesty I was wondering is tea a drink you have ?”

Tom-“ Well I must say I love tea Mrs Dempsy .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ Me too . Here’s anpther question for you Father . Have you ever been a boxer ?”

Tom – “Why do you ask ?”

Mrs Dempsy –“Well it’s the shape of your nose ..’

Tom-“What do you mean ?”

Mrs Dempsy –“ Your nose looks as if its taken a battering over the years .”

Tom –“ That’s very interesting .”

Mrs Dempsy- “What about writing . Have you ever written any plays ?”

Tom – “ Why no Mrs Dempsy . I don’t write plays , I do like tea , and I’ve never been a boxer in the ring and if there is any more questions you’d like me to answer I do have a lawyer in Florida who would be most happy to answer them for you .”

Mrs Dempsy –“ I am impressed . Its not often I get to speak with lawyers so I’d love to take up the opportunity . Have you his address ?”

Tom-Tell you what Mrs Dempsy . I get him to write to you when I return and then you can ask him all the question you want .”

Mrs Dempsy – (Trying to get out of the armchair) “ How do you like your tea ?”

Tom-“Oh please don’t bother Mrs Dempsy . “

Mrs Dempsy-“ And why not .“ (Pushing herself to her feet)

Tom-“ Well because I’m going off tea for a change . I’ve got a new fancy for American coffee beans .”

Mrs Dempsy- “Right . That’s fine . How do you have it white or black , with or without sugar ?“ (Making her way slowly to the door with a walking stick)

Tom-“ White with two sugars thank you .“

Mrs Dempsy – Right . I’ll be back in a few moments . I’m just going next door to see if Mrs Murphy is home . She’s got a pantry twice a big as mine and she has a lot of family in America who send her coffee every year in a Christmas hamper . “

Tom-“ It really doesn’t matter Mrs Dempsy.”

Mrs Dempsy- Oh but it does .”

Tom –“ Its no trouble . I’ll have tea instead . I’ll have what ever you have in the cupboard .“

Mrs Dempsy-“ .(She walks back from the door) Do you like apple tart ?”

Tom-“Yes I do .“

Mrs Dempsy “So do I but I don’t have any .”

Tom –“ (He tries to get out of the armchair ) Mrs Dempsy times getting on “.

Mrs Dempsy- (She motions to him to sit back down ) “ Don’t budge . I don’t want you to think I never made you welcome or offered you a wee drop in your hand while you were here on holidays “. 

Tom-“ Can I look at some of you old photos Mrs Dempsy ?”

Mrs Dempsy-“ I beg your pardon ?”

Tom-“(Turning to face her ) You have some lovely old pictures . Do you mind if I have a look ?”

Mrs Dempsy –“No problem Father .

(Suddenly a beautiful young lady walks into the room .

Oh God Dierdre’s up . ( Mrs Dempsy puts her finger over her mouth and whispers to Tom ) She’s sleepwalking again Father .“ 

Diedre –(Stops and looks at Tom ) See you . You’re nothing but a bastard . That’s all you are .“

( Tom tries hard not to laugh. Diedre turns on her heel and walks away . Mrs Dempsy drops her walking stick and coughs )

Tom- Who was that ?”

Mrs Dempsy –“Oh you must forgive her Father . Its my daughter Diedre . She has a habit of walking in her sleep . She went to have a lie down just before you called .”

Tom-“ Have you spoken to anyone about Deidre and her sleepwalking ?”

Mrs Dempsy –“Why should I . Sure its none of their business anyway .“

Tom-“Well someone might be able to help you with her problem .“

Mrs Dempsy –“Well I really don’t think it’s a problem like .“

Tom-“ If you say so Mrs Dempsy .“

Mrs Dempsy-“Tell you what Father . When you return to your parish in America you could ask St Jude to help her . God love her Father . You won’t
Mention this to Father Andrew I hope .”

Tom-“My lips are sealed .”

Mrs Dempsy –“ People around here might think it strange like . A young girl sleepwalking in the middle of the day and all that .“

Tom-“Your secret is safe with me .”

Mrs Dempsy-“She wouldn’t hurt a fly you know Father . Its sad but I’m the inly one who knows her .”

Tom-“ The poor thing .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ Its not her fault .”

Tom-“Sure don’t I know .“

Mrs Dempsy-“ It was the runaway horse .”

Tom-“ Was it now .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ It was . The damage was done a long time ago .”

Tom-“ I see . The damage . Right .“

Mrs Dempsy – “The damage . Father .“

Tom-“Right .“

Mrs Dempsy –“The think is if it wasn’t for the soft ground in the bog it’s great big hoof would have smashed her skull .“

Tom –“ Thank God for the bog “ 

Mrs Dempsy-“ It was a rainy day too that had softened the turf .“

Tom- “Thank God for the rain .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ So you see . The fall would have been much worse .“

(Suddenly Diedre walks backs into the room )

Dierdre – “You’re nothing but dogs droppings all of you . Lumps and slugs and bumps and bugs . That’s all you are and if I find you in the sauce again you’ll have to leave .“

(Slipping away quietly Dierdre walks away out of the room . Tom can’t contain himself any longer and bursts out in a fit of laughter )

 

 

End Of Part 3

 

Link to part 4

https://www.abctales.com/story/mcscraic/shenanigans-part-4

 

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