The Wedding Speech

By Paul McCann

So I was walking out the door and the phone rang .It was one of those occasions when I was in two minds wondering if I should continue walking or race back and grab the phone . I was doing a kind of dance back and forward with my feet doing this soft slow shuffle and my shoulders swaying back and forward . If only there was some music to go with the body movement or even a nice set of lyrics like will I go or won’t I , pick up the phone .
I followed my basic instincts and rushed to grab the phone .
“Hello.“ I said out of breath .
“Is that you Sham?” Gerry always calls me Sham . Its short for Shamrock and being Irish he donned me with the name Sham .
“Is that you Gerry ? “ I replied .
“Yea . Listen I’ll not keep you .You’re not busy are you .“
“No Gerry . How are you?”
“Not bad ? I just wanted to pick your brains ?”
‘Its funny I was just thinking about you the other day . Hows your ears?”
“All right Sham. I’m back swimming again .“
‘So is your back giving you any trouble “
“ No Sham, I’m back swimming again “
“You like swimming don’t you Gerry ?”
”Oh yea Sham . It would be ok if I didn’t have a crook back and this bad ear .anyway what I was wanting to talk to you about was a wedding speech I have to make”
“When is the wedding Gerry?”
“I’ll be leaving in about ten minutes Sham .“
“What ! Who’s getting married ?”
“My youngest daughter Sham . I’ve been so busy lately I haven’t time to write anything down . Can you help me Sham ?”
“What about Gods Grace Gerry. “
“Sorry Sham what ?”
“Gods Grace Gerry . Have you thought about asking for some  “

“ It is a wedding speech not a charity handout . C’mon throw

me a few lines . You’re good with that Sham .“

“Gerry I’m not joking . You could use some help from above .“

“Its too late for that quick give me some lines .The cars will be here in five minutes. “
“ Right then Gerry . Can you act like a drunk ?”
“No Sham . Everybody knows I don’t touch the drink .“
“Well just pretend that somebody’s spiked you drink and you’re tipsy .”
“Hang on Sham I might go with the first suggestion . Gods grace wasn’t it .

Have you got that contact number ?

“Hang on Gerry I’ll just get it for you “.

“Don’t bother Sham . By the time you find the number the wedding will be started “.

“Right then Gerry as I was saying act drunk .“
”Oh I don’t believe it . There’s somebody at the door . Hang on Sham .

 I’ll just get rid off them ok . Hang on.”
This recorded computer piped stand-by music ushered through the receiver of the phone until Gerry returned ,
“Hello Sham I’m back again .“
‘Hey Gerry I was listening to that music . Could you just put me on hold again and do something for five minutes .”
”Ok Sorry Sham .”
”I’m just joking Gerry ?”
“I knew somebody who used to work on the international exchange . If ever he had a hard time with a caller he would say ,Listen do you know who I am and when the called said no, he would say good and disconnect them. ”
“I was wanting to ask you who is getting married Gerry ?”
”My girl Aileen Sham . Listen I’ve got to go The cars are here . I’ll take the mobile and I’ll ring you from the car. So give me a few lines for the wedding speech. Could you do that for me Sham ? I’d be really grateful .“
“OK Gerry .I’ll hang up then and wait till you ring ?”
”Ok Sham . Bye Mate”
“Right Gerry Bye”
I hung up the phone and grabbed a glass of water and some scrap paper .
Then I sat down near the phone , doing doodles until the phone rang.
Finally the phone rang .
“Gerry is that you “
“Yea  Sham , I’ll be at the wedding reception in a half hour and I haven’t a clue what I’m going to say .“
‘Don’t panic Gerry . Just stand up and thank everyone for coming at short notice on this very suspicious occasion . Due to matters beyond your control and obviously your daughters control .”
“That’s good Sham. I’m writing this all down . Keep it going Sham. “
‘Tell them due to such a short notice that that you’re not responsible for the wedding speech . Go on and say that the wedding gifts are a complete disgrace . Twelve electric toasters that won’t pop up . Twelve electric blankets that don’t have any plug . Three TV sets that only work in America and thank them all again for the wonderful gifts except for the two who didn’t bring any gifts . Tell them that you won’t mention their names but that are the two without any dinner at the table”.
“Hang on Sham . Can you fill me in with the rest when I’m up there . The cars now in the church I’ll ring you from the hall ‘ Thanks Sham . You’re a life saver. I’ve got my bloody wedding speech now .“
“I’ll wait until I hear from you Gerry .“
I put the phone down and put the tea pot on . I sat down and had a cup of tea . Scribbling down a few thoughts and doodling some more , I had a quick inspired thought and began to write a poem that ended up a song and then I put the tea pot on again and while was pouring the tea the phone rang .
‘”Hello .“
“ Hello “
“Is that you Gerry “
“Yea.“
What’s the problem”
“I’ve slipped over in the gents toilet Sham and I can’t get up .“
“What ? ‘
“I’m stuck in the toilet outside the church . I think I’ve done my back in Sham “
‘What about the wedding speech Gerry ? “
” The wedding speech is in the inside pocket of my Jacket but I’m on the concrete floor and can’t move Sham. “
“Can’t you scream out Gerry? “
“ I did try . It was bloody painful but no body heard me Sham . The cars have all pulled out five minutes ago . The priest has gone with the wedding party and I’m here by myself on the toilet floor. “
“Gerry can you ring them at the reception.?
“The receptions on board a paddleboat river cruise up the bloody creek. “
“Don’t panic Gerry at least you don’t have to make the wedding speech .“
“I’ll never live this down Sham . Do me a favour and ring the City Hospital and ask them to send out an ambulance . “
Which church was the wedding at and where are the toilets Gerry ?”
“Listen Shan . I owe you one. “
I laughed and he laughed . He was in pain and I went into a buckle .
I laughed and laughed until I was sore .
That evening Gerry was picked up by the ambulance and brought to the Jetty where a special stretcher was arranged to transport him to the Paddleboat where he eventually made the wedding speech to a well oiled crew .
Afterwards the photos Gerry was brought to the city hospital by helicopter where he finally recovered from his injuries .

The End