I Am The Resurrection

They built the stations of the cross here. At least, the gaunt decayed arms of the rusted railways, sprawling nowhere in a rictus of defeat. I stand near the sheds, so clearly going the way of all flesh. The windows had glass, once. I touch my spectacles. Perhaps they should be broken, too. Most of me is broken, just now. I hear the distant noise of an engine starting up. It’s quiet, here. That’s how I like it. Last thing on a Friday afternoon, who’s going to notice? The light is going, now it’s December. They might not find me till tomorrow. I close my eyes and prepare. There’s no-one here now. That train is gone. End of the year, end of the line. “Man was not meant to be alone.” There is no-one to stop me. Just… there. Jump down onto the track, and my sins are no more. No cat or dog to say goodbye to, not even the rooks that sometimes nest here. Just the sky over the city, bleeding slowly away to night. I still can’t come to terms with what she did. How could I not have known? The shadows grow longer, the great sepulchral arms reaching up from the ruined platform, beckoning me down to join them. The sun is gone. I take a deep breath. Now. Just like diving at the swimming baths. But wait. Even as the shadows become impatient to make me one of them, I hesitate. This is her world I am endorsing, her world I am so anxious to leave. I have tried to do so already, breaking contact. I cannot be free of her. This is the only way. I tense, preparing to go. One thought comes to me. What about a world of my own? The very one I was so often criticised for inhabiting as a child comes back to me. I need to build on my separation from her, re-establish my health, my world. The shadows are with me, level now, exercising their siren call. I plug my ears, and step back from the edge. I want to say ‘No!’ to an Anna Karenina moment, that defeat, giving up on things. Resolve to live through the dreadful pain, no matter what someone else chose. She is not me, She cannot BE me, now. I AM ME. I AM THE RESURRECTION!