Bob The Tumor (4 of 4)

Scene: Mr. Harpner’s Office

(Mike and Bob enter Mr. Harpner’s office, take seats)
MIKE: Mr. Harpner?
MR. HARPNER: Hello Mike, come on in.
MIKE: Thank you, sir.
MR. HARPNER: I see you’ve lost weight.
MIKE: I have.
MR. HARPNER: You look tired.
MIKE: I am tired.
MR. HARPNER: So what did you need?
MIKE: I just wanted to tell you that this may be my last day here. I’ve started chemo, as you can probably tell, and it’s going to be keeping me busy for the foreseeable future.
MR. HARPNER: I understand.
MIKE: I just want you to know how much I enjoyed it here.
MR. HARPNER: I enjoyed having you.
MIKE: I’m sorry I couldn’t contribute more to this company.
MR. HARPNER: Shut up, Mike.
MIKE: I’m sorry.
MR. HARPNER: I said ‘shut up’. You stop acting all down. Stop moping. It’s gotten worse, but you’re not out yet. You kick this thing right in the balls. Right in its fat, hairy balls, pardon the imagery. That position will still be available when you get back, but when you do get back get ready to be buried, because I’m gonna dump so much work on you you’ll wish that son of a bitch had gotten you first. You hear me?
MIKE: Yes sir.

Scene: Mike’s Apartment

(Mike and Bob stand near front door, Mike grabs his keys off counter and opens door. Bob follows him)
BOB: You can’t tell her, Michael.
MIKE: I’m not going to keep dodging her, Bob.
BOB: I don’t think you’ve thought this through.
MIKE: There’s nothing for me to think about, (opens car door) I’m telling her.
BOB: It’s your funeral.
(Mike pauses at doorway)
MIKE: What the hell’s that supposed to mean?

Scene: Convenience Store

(Mike wearing cap and sitting in his car, reaches up and grabs his cap. Camera suddenly goes into a first person POV. Show Mike’s hand drop and toss cap onto empty seat. Gets out of car and walks up path to convenience store. Pauses in doorway and turns back)
MIKE: What am I doing?
SAM: (from off-screen) Mike?
(Mike turns back and approaches counter)
MIKE: Hey Sam.
SAM: Hey Mi—whoa! That’s, uh, quite a new hairstyle you got there.
MIKE: It’s not a hairstyle.
SAM: So you just went the old buzz cut route? I can get on board with that.
MIKE: I didn’t get a haircut.
SAM: Then what the hell happened to all your hair?
MIKE: It fell out.
SAM: What?
MIKE: Well, that’s not true; most of it fell out and then I shaved the rest off.
SAM: What are you talking about?
MIKE: Sam, I’ve got cancer.
(end on reaction shot of Sam)

Scene: Mike’s Apartment

(Mike enters. Bob waiting as he closes door)
BOB: I told you not to tell her, not to show her.
MIKE: I had to.
BOB: You could have just not answered the calls.
MIKE: I’m not that kind of person.
BOB: Of course you are. You’re shy. You don’t know what to do.
MIKE: I know enough to know that I’d rather tell her the truth than lie and hurt her.
BOB: And do you think she isn’t hurting now?
MIKE: (turns away, begins opening his front door again to leave) Stop it.
BOB: (places hand of Mike’s shoulder) I’m just worried about you, Michael. You’re my fri—
(Mike pushes hand away and spins around, finally snapped)
MIKE: Fuck you! You’re just a diseased part of me. You’re nothing but a lump of death and I hate you for that. If I could I’d cut you out myself!
BOB: Michael, you need to calm down.
MIKE: You are not my friend. You never will be. Now just hurry up and die. (exits without looking back. Slams door)

Scene: Church

(Mike enters alone and heads up towards candles. Heads back to dip hand in holy water and cross self. Pulls out a few crumples one dollar bills and stuffs them into the donation box)
MIKE: Know it’s not much, but I’m running a little low on funds at the moment. But you’re God, so you already know that.
(Mike picks up candle burner and holds over candle till burning, then uses flame to light new candle)
MIKE: I know we don’t talk much. Guess that’s my fault more than anything, Mom keeps bugging me to chat with you. I’ve just been busy, you know? (stares at hanging stature of Jesus) Yeah, you know...(puts out candle burner in sand) I’d been meaning too, though, before this whole cancer thing.
(Mike rubs hand along back of his neck)
MIKE: Hope you don’t mind, me keeping this on in here. Must seem kind of silly to you. I don’t know. (sighs) Look...you don’t owe me anything. If I were you I wouldn’t even bother when you got so much on your plate to deal with. But, if you get some spare time, could you look me up? Cause I ...I could really use some help right now. (turns to leave) Thanks.
(Mike exits the church. Suddenly comes back in and reblesses himself with holy water)
MIKE: (to statue) Mom always does this twice, but you know that...

Scene: Mike’s Apartment

(knock on door. Mike wakes from his position on couch wearing poorly fitting blonde guy wig)
MIKE: Who is it?
SAM: Can you open the door, Mike?
MIKE: Sam, is that you? How’d you find my apartment?
SAM: I went to your office. Your boss, Mr. Harpner, gave me your address. He’s a cool dude. Told me to check in on you and make sure you’re not being a whiney bitch. His words.
MIKE: How’d you know where I work?
SAM: You told me, like, two months ago.
MIKE: And you remembered that?
SAM: You’ve been visiting me a long time, Mike. Now can you open the door, I’m freezing out here.
(Mike opens the door to his apartment. Sam steps inside and gets first glimpse of Mike’s wig. Puts hands up to cover mouth, trying not to laugh)
SAM: Oh my god, what is that on your head?
MIKE: (groans) I got—I got tired of being bald so I went to the party store down the street...and...and this was the only wig they had that wasn’t an afro—
(Sam begins to snort with laughter)
MIKE: Hey, I paid five bucks for this wig.
SAM: Oh, I can tell.
MIKE: Hey, hey shut up...I’ve got cancer... (smiles weakly)
SAM: I did a lot of thinking about what you told me. And I can’t really believe I didn’t catch on earlier. Going see a cancer comedy, that talk about death, you not wanting to stay over.
MIKE: The movie was just a coincidence. I really did want to see that. And I reaaaallly wanted to stay over. But I would’ve vomited on you if I did.
SAM: Still, you weren’t exactly subtle.
MIKE: Subtlety’s never been my strong point.
SAM: So how long have you known?
MIKE: About a month.
SAM: A whole month?
MIKE: Yep.
SAM: How bad is it?
MIKE: Pretty bad.
SAM: And the odds?
MIKE: Well, significantly worse than 50/50.
SAM: Tell me.
MIKE: Eighteen percent.
SAM: That’s it?
MIKE: That’s it.
SAM: (closes the door to Mike’s apartment) I’ve played worse hands before.
---
(Mike lays back with his head on Sam’s lap, eyes closed. Sam rubs a hand through his hair)
SAM: You know, it’s supposed to get kinda chilly tonight.
MIKE: (softly singing) It’ll be up to your knees out there.
SAM: I should be going home later…
MIKE: Baby, you’ll freeze out there.
SAM: But since you’re feeling bad…
MIKE: Think of my life-long sorrow.
SAM: Mike, be serious.
MIKE: Aren’t I always?
SAM: I’m thinking I should stay over tonight.
MIKE: (sits up) I can’t really do anything physical, Sam.
SAM: Get your head out of the gutter. I just want to make sure you’re okay. And I don’t feel like going back to my car.
MIKE: I think you’re right, (singing again) just look at the storm out there.
SAM: Mike.
MIKE: (lies back) I’ll stop.
---
(Mike wakes up to see Sam looking down at him, still in same position. Mike opens eyes. Sees Sam looking down at him, upside down shot)
SAM: Good morning.
MIKE: Good morning.
SAM: You sleep well?
MIKE: Aside all the times I got up to vomit, yeah.
SAM: Feeling better?
MIKE: A little bit, yeah. You know it’s odd, Bob’s usually the one to wake me up.
SAM: Who?
MIKE: I’ll explain later.
SAM: By the way, you got a call from the doctor’s office. I tried to wake you but you were pretty out of it. Dr. Dovetail said he wanted to speak with you about the results of your latest chemotherapy run.
MIKE: Can’t wait for that.
SAM: He actually sounded kind of excited.
MIKE: Really?
SAM: Really.
MIKE: I better call him back then. (picks up phone, starts dialling)
SAM: Yep. Soooo…Dr. Dovetail?
MIKE: I know, right? (holds phone to ear)

Scene: Dr. Dovetail’s Office

(Mike sitting next to an empty chair, looking at it. Dovetail’s voice snaps him back to reality)
DR. DOVETAIL: I have good news, Mr. Swanson.
MIKE: I could use some good news right about now.
DR. DOVETAIL: (lays out a set of charts) I have your latest chemo results right here and the results…they’re pretty outstanding.
MIKE: How outstanding is ‘outstanding’?
DR. DOVETAIL: ‘Outstanding’ is very outstanding.
MIKE: Outstanding.
DR. DOVETAIL: It seems as though not only have we seen a stop in the growth of cancer cells around the origin site, but the mass that has spread is now dying off. That in particular is excellent news. You’re no longer stage four. Hell, you’re barely a stage two.
MIKE: You’re shitting me.
DR. DOVETAIL: No, there’s no shitting being done; quite the opposite. I’m completely serious. The mass of the tumor has shrunk a total of seventy eight percent.
MIKE: Se—seventy eight?
DR. DOVETAIL: Seventy eight.
MIKE: That’s good, right?
DR. DOVETAIL: The best I’d projected for the treatment was a twenty percent reduction. Now this doesn’t mean we’re out of the woods yet, but we’ve bought some time. We’ll keep the tests going and monitor the process.
MIKE: So it’s good, right?
DR. DOVETAIL: It’s outstanding.

Scene: Outside Hospital

(Mike steps out of treatment center with Sam close behind, wearing sunglasses)
SAM: I’m glad you’re not wearing that stupid wig anymore. Not too big on the sunglasses though...
MIKE: What, you don’t like ‘em?
SAM: You just look like you should be guarding the president or something.
MIKE: (laughs) You know, it’s funny, B—
(before he can finish, is tackled by Jake)
JAKE: (lying on top of Mike) Is it true, bro!? (looks up at Sam) Hey, I’m Jake, Mike’s brother. You must be Sam. (raises up halfway, kneeling on Mike, offers hand)
SAM: (shakes) Nice to meet you.
MIKE: (gasping) Your knee’s in my chest, Jake.
JAKE: (helping Mike up) Sorry, but is it true? I got a call from Mom today. Cancelled my flight back at the last minute.
MIKE: Just so you could assault me?
JAKE: Hell yeah. So is it true!?
(Mike nods)
JAKE: (raises up arms, begins shouting) My brother’s cancer free!
MIKE: Actually I still have cancer. (Jake lowers arms) It’s just not as serious.
JAKE: (lifts arms again) It’s not as serious!

Scene: Hockey Rink

(Mike eats alone at hockey rink, watching skaters. Glances back)
MIKE: Hey Charlie.
CHARLIE: Hey Mike.
(Charlie takes seat, sets food down)
CHARLIE: So how you been?
MIKE: Good, good. You know, what with the cancer and all.
CHARLIE: (nods uncomfortably) Yeah, heard about that.
MIKE: But it’s getting better. (points to head) Got my hair back.
CHARLIE: That’s good.
MIKE: I’m even dating someone. So yeah, it’s all good. (awkward pause by both men) Look, I wanted to apologize for yelling at you.
(Charlie holds up hand and silences Mike. Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a note card)
CHARLIE: No, no, no. I’m sorry. (notices Mike staring at list) Yeah, I made a list, screw you. I wanted to apologize. I’m sorry I tried to steal your job. Sorry I spread rumors about you, hit your car, everything. I didn’t know you had cancer. I thought you were just being a pussy again. (ignores Mike’s stares, chuckles to himself) Oh, and sorry I told Cheryl you were gay.
MIKE: Wh—wait, what?
CHARLIE: Yeah, it’s all over the office, surprised is spread so fast.
MIKE: Cause you told Cheryl.
CHARLIE: I figured you knew. Why do you think they keep calling you Hardhat Mike?
MIKE: (pauses to think it over) Like the Village People?
CHARLIE: Like the Village People. And also—
MIKE: (holds up hand) You know what, stop. It’s fine.
CHARLIE: So we’re cool?
MIKE: Yeah man, yeah we’re cool.
(Two begin to unwrap their sandwiches. Mike takes a bite and pauses, swallowing)
MIKE: Hey Charlie?
CHARLIE: Yeah Mike?
MIKE: How come we never eat in the same place?
(Both glance over shoulder)
CHALIE: I don’t know...that’s a good question.

Scene: Mike’s Apartment

(Mike and Sam sitting with each other. Sam rests her head on his shoulder. Together they watch a bad sci-fi channel movie. Mike’s hair has grown back)
MIKE: You know, Sam, I think you’re really neat.
SAM: Neat? (looks up at Mike) Is that the word for it?
MIKE: It’s a word. Not the best one, I’ll admit.
SAM: (puts head back down) But it works.
MIKE: Yeah, yeah it does.
SAM: You know you don’t have to pretend.
MIKE: Pretend how?
SAM: Pretend that you’re really into a nerd like me.
MIKE: Sam, don’t do that.
SAM: Do what?
MIKE: Put yourself down. So you’re a nerd, who cares? You think I do? I figured that out about you right away, and it makes me like you even more.
SAM: That why you asked Adam for my schedule, so you could come and bask in my nerdiness?
MIKE: He told you about that?
SAM: Of course.
MIKE: He told me he didn’t.
SAM: Guess he lied.
MIKE: Wow… (stares off as if distracted)
SAM: You okay, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah, Sam, I’m good. Just enjoying the silence.

Final Scene: Mike’s Apartment

(Mike and Sam stand in kitchen. Rushing to pack to make it to a show)
SAM: What time did you say it started?
MIKE: 4:30. (begins checking his pockets, muttering to self) Keys, cell phone, wallet...
(Sam stands by door, watching Mike grab a couple water bottles from fridge top)
SAM: You ready?
MIKE: Yep. Let’s go.
(Sam and Mike exit. Zoom in on kitchen table. Santa Cup sits on table, glued back together. Focus on it a few seconds. Front door opens and Mike walks back on screen to grab cup and exits)
SAM: Come on, slowpoke!
(Sam sits in passenger seat of Mike’s car. Reaches over to honk horn as Mike locks the door. Mike turns around to see Bob standing behind him)
BOB: Hey Mike.
MIKE: (still holding cup in one hand, keys in other) Hey Bob. Been a while.
BOB: Yep.
MIKE: Look, I want to apologize for what I said—
(Bob waves the apology aside. The two of them stand some feet apart in the road. Nothing else moves)
BOB: Don’t. You were right about me, about what I am. The last thing you should be giving me is sympathy.
MIKE: I know.
BOB: Still a smartass. How are things?
MIKE: They’re good. You know...as good as they can be.
(Mike’s phone beeps. He stops to check it, text. Turns to side and waves at his car where Sam sits)
MIKE: It’s Sam. I gotta get going.
BOB: She couldn’t just call out to you? She’s right there.
MIKE: I know. It’s just one of those things that makes her—
BOB: Different?
MIKE: (chuckles) I was going to say amazing, but that works too.
(Mike tucks his phone back into his pocket, turns to head for the car. Bob calls out to him)
BOB: If you want to talk, Mike, I’m still here. At least for a little while longer.
MIKE: I know.
BOB: I want you to be happy, Mike. With life. With Samantha. Even in the end—
MIKE: Bob.
BOB: Yes, Mike?
MIKE: (smiles, says softly) Shut up. (turns from Bob and enters his car, sitting beside Sam with the side window down)
SAM: What kept ya?
MIKE: Oh, it was nothing. (starts car) Just saying goodbye to a friend.
(Mike puts car in drive and pulls out of driveway. Camera follows. As he heads out, Bob is gone)

FIN - CREDITS

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Background Song for Credits:
“Song I’m Making Up the Lyrics To”
Written by Michael Carr
Performed by Michael Carr and Jennifer Hanson

(begins with Mike humming melody a few seconds, then into dialogue)

SAM: Alright, what is that song? You’ve been humming it the past ten minutes?
MIKE: It’s a surprise. Do you not like surprises?
SAM: I love surprises, I just hate waiting for them.
MIKE: Alright. It’s not really finished so I might mess up.
SAM: Mess up? Did you write me a song?
MIKE: I wouldn’t get so excited, it’s ten minutes in the making.
SAM: Sing it already!

MIKE: Alright.

This is a song, that I’m making up the lyrics to.
A song, got nothing better to do.
This is a song…so come on Sam.
This is a song…come on and take my hand.

SAM: You want me to dance? I don’t know how to dance.
MIKE: Neither do I. But we’re going to. Just let me move this table. You ignore how much effort it takes me to do this.

I really meant what I said, wasn’t joking around.
Come on and dance with me, Sam, and I’ll twirl you around.
But let’s just try and keep a little order.
Don’t forget I’ve still got brain cancer.

(Sam laughs)

This is a song, that I’m making up the lyrics to.
A song—

(Sam joins in)

SAM: The very best that you could do?
MIKE: Hey, be nice!
This is a song, for you and me.
This is a song, for all the birds in the sea.
Wait…

SAM: Birds in the sea?
MIKE: I heard it.
SAM: Whatever, keep going.
MIKE:

I probably should’ve said ‘the birds and the bees’, I was wrong.
Or even ‘fish in the sea’, I don’t know, I was wrong.
I must’ve mixed up my old time sayings.
That always happens when we are together it seems.

MIKE and SAM:

This is a song, that I’m making up the lyrics to.
A song, (MIKE only) it may be bad but it’s true.
(MIKE and SAM) This is a song…(pause)
(MIKE only) I’ve run out of thing to say.
This is a song… (pause) Da du dat duten de day.

(end with both laughing)