BRAVADO

It's 10.30am Sunday 30th October...What a thought provoking month this has been. I have had more highs than a kite could achieve..I feel truly loved and blessed by amazing friends and family who surround my every moment..

So why am I sitting here now...feeling all alone in the world??

I am about to attend a 80th Birthday lunch for my best and closest friend's mum at a local Golf Club....There will be a hundred people in attendance...I will walk into that venue all by myself and I will feel very alone, even though I will know at least a third of the people there....people I have shared my best and worst moments with.

It has taken this event, today, to allow me to realize that all the mutterings I give to myself and my girlfriends regarding empowered woman, liberated, time at last to myself to be me and who I am is a load of Bravado and bull.

All I really crave is that special someone...a man...a partner to love, nurture and grow old with. I have always been a part of that scenario throughout my life. I so miss the sharing and the caring to the point of heartbreak.

I have done the vulnerable rollercoaster ride and the dating game, which I had to look on as a means to an end but loathed every minute of finding myself having to go down this route, to find the happiness again, that I so miss every day...

I shall take a very deep breath, walk into the Golf Club dining room with the biggest smile on my face, the bravado fast and flowing, until the wine takes over, then I may once again pour out my inner thoughts and fears to my closest friend...she will tuck me up in her spare room, come evening, reassuring me that all will be ok in the end....

I really hope and pray she is right....I have met someone, a few weeks ago, I know I could grow with in every sense of love and life....but I hold this awful insecurity and foreboding that maybe he will never accept the same????