1) New Claim: ZU7-JHQ

“We’re sorry to keep you waiting. Your call is in a queue and will be answered as soon as an agent becomes available. Please hold. “

And so the loop repeated; interspersed with music selected at some expense to soothe those waiting. A pan-pipe version of “When Doves Cry”. A Gregorian-chanted “Karma Chameleon”. A Tijuana Brass “Papa Don’t Preach”.

Those waiting in the queue were customers of Direct Royal Norwich Insurance. More specifically, these were Direct Royal Norwich Insurance customers who had dialled 0888 8888 8884. They had then listened carefully to the options available to them. They chose not to press 1 for a new quotation. They did press 2 for the claims department. A pause, a click and possibly a beep followed. Then, calls may be recorded for training purposes. Callers were then invited to select the type of Insurance they were calling about. Motor, Buildings and Contents, Travel, Pet or Health were the choices available. Keying 1 would let Direct Royal Norwich know that you were calling about a motor claim. The selection of 1 from the next menu indicated that you wanted to report a new claim instead of calling about an existing claim. This was the path to the Helpline.

The Policy Holder’s were now jammed in a tailback of misfortune. Many were the cause of a traffic jam in the location they were calling from. A Volkswagen wrapped around a lamp post in Chipping Norton. The red Mini mashed with a barely-new Subaru. A fucked Fiesta. The gang bang of vans, hatchbacks and articulated Lorries on the southbound carriageway. They all had to endure the judgemental rubberneckers who crawled past them to gawk. Shaken, shocked, tearful and outraged, they waited for the help they sought.

Occasionally there would be an electronic silence and the Policy Holder’s spirit would lift in the futile hope that their time had come and a human being would speak to them. Not this time.

“We’re sorry to keep you waiting. Your call is in a queue and will be answered as soon as an agent becomes available. Please hold. “

The caller’s community despised the female voice, with its traces of the West Midlands. The faux-sympathy dished out by the voice grated upon them and the Hammond organ version of Abba’s Waterloo currently playing did little to quell the collective fury.

Danny Stone had never heard the recording but he knew Emma Scott, the owner of the recorded voice. The Direct Royal Norwich Insurance office was alive with a chaotic chorus of rings and bleeps, shrieks and yells, accompanied by the percussive tipping and tapping of numerous keyboards. Danny was wrapping up the actions that followed his previous call at a steady pace but his thoughts were on Emma Scott. His penis was dancing around inside his trousers, launching itself from one side of his boxer shorts to the next, like a drunk staggering down the street. He was imagined himself in a hotel, laid back naked on the bed with Emma felating him on her knees.

It was at this point that Danny became the company’s next available agent.

“Good Morning, Direct Royal Norwich Helpline, Danny speaking, how can I help you?”

This was the seventh call Danny had taken that morning and each had started with that very greeting. He sounded more like a recording than the recorded voices.

“Yeah,” came the beleaguered caller’s response. “I just crashed me car.”

“Okay, I’ll need your Policy Number please”

Danny’s mind was still in his fantasy hotel room. He was now fucking Emma from behind in the shower. He knew that this was a corny scenario and he felt a pang of guilt as he spotted Emma returning to her desk.

“Yeah. Policy Number,” the Policy Holder murmured. “Policy number.”

A vacant pause. And then, “Yeah. Oh Eight Eight Eight”
Another pause. “Eight Eight double-Eight”
“Double-Eight Eight.”
And then, “Four”

Danny tapped his keyboard, echoing every number that was read to him. The system instructed him that the number was invalid, with a rather bland message.

“Thank you sir, I think that’s the number you’ve just called. Do you have a Policy Number there? They start with the letters DRN.”

Things had moved on from the shower in the hotel room to the bed. Emma was on top of him. Another cliché. Another jolt in the groin. Emma’s eyes were narrow with pleasure, and she had a sheen of perspiration. He breasts wobbled to the rhythm of her pelvis.

“Policy Number?”

“Maybe I can take you registration number. I should be able to find your Policy Number that way. “

“Yeah, er, Jay En Five One, er, Kay Kay Pee”

Danny keyed the registration into the “Find Policy” screen and clicked the “Find Policy” button. No matches.

“Can I repeat the registration number to you please sir, J Juliet, N November, Fifty One, K Kilo, K Kilo, P Papa.”

“Yeah”

He clicked the “Find Policy” button again, in case the system would somehow change its mind and find the vehicle. In his mind, Emma was sat on top of the desk in the hotel room. He held her ankles high and wide and jabbed in and out of her; faster-faster-faster.

“I’m sorry sir, I can’t find a policy for this vehicle on our system”

“Nah, I got me certificate here”

“Is there a policy number on it sir, the top right hand side?”

“Nah”

“I’m afraid I can’t access your details without the Policy Number. Have you changed car recently?”

“Nah. Nah. It says here I’m insured with your lot for this car I’ve just crashed, reg number Jay Em Five One Jay Kay Pee.”

“Sorry sir, that sounds different to the registration that I ran the search with.”

“Yeah. Well it’s the same bloody one I gave you earlier”

“Can I just verify that then? It’s J Juliet M Mike Fifty-one J Juliet K Kilo P Papa”

“Yeah. Like I said”

Danny corrected the Registration Number field and clicked “Find Policy” again. Emma was back on top of him in the hotel room, she slid up and down and slowed to kiss him with gratitude.

“I have the policy number here. Can you let me know the make and model of the car please sir”

“Yeah. Peugeot 306. Grey.” And then, “Silver.”

“Thank you sir. Now can I take your name and the first line of your address?”

“Yeah. Have you got this on your computer already?”

“We have sir, but we need to check that you are the Policy Holder for security reasons”

“Yeah. Jeff Ryder”

“And the first line of the address please sir?”

“Yeah. 8 Falcon Avenue. Yeovil. Somerset. Yeah”

“Thank you Mr Ryder. So you say you’ve been involved in an accident”

“Yeah. I crashed me car.”

“Okay. What actually happened?”

“Yeah. I was on me way to the B&Q cause I’m putting a patio out the back of me house and I run out of sand and the wife tells me to get her some secateurs and things while I’m getting the sand. Yeah. The big B&Q. Yeah. So I’m on me way to the B&Q and I’m on the A3 and I crash me car.”

Danny did not receive the information he needed about the incident.

“I see. So what happened? How did you crash the car?”

“Yeah.”

“Were there any other vehicles involved?”

“Yeah.”

Danny prompted, “Did you go into the back of another car?”

“Yeah.”

Danny was relieved to get some useful information at last.

“You’ll need to complete a claim form. We can do that over the phone now if you like”

“Yeah.”

The hotel room faded along with his erection. He followed the sequence of questions laid out on his monitor.

“Well I’ve got your details and the details of your vehicle. What is your occupation?”

“Yeah. Retired fireman.”

“Who was driving the vehicle at the time of the accident?”

“Yeah. Well it was me, wasn’t it?”

“What was the purpose of the journey? Social? Domestic? Pleasure? Business?”

“Yeah. Going to B&Q.”

“I’ll put domestic”

“Yeah”

“Have you made any other claims in the past three years?”

“Yeah. Nah. Before this I been driving 48 years.”

“No claims then”

“Yeah. Nah. None.”

“Any motoring convictions?”

“Nah. Yeah. None.”

“Any medical conditions?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you tell me about the medical conditions?”

“Yeah. Diabetes.”

“And how long have you been diabetic?”

“Yeah. I dunno. Thirty years?”

“Can you describe the accident?”

“Yeah. Well I’m going to B&Q and I crash me car.”

“You went into the back of another car?”

“Yeah. A van.”

“You drove into the back of a van?”

“Yeah. A van.”

“And where did this take place?”

Dave Johnson grabbed Danny’s attention and with a wave of the drinks tray and the raising of his eyebrows, offered a drink. Danny placed a horizontal left hand on top of a vertical right hand in a T-shape and smiled appreciatively.

“On the way to B&Q. The big one.”

“You mentioned the A3?”

“Yeah. A3.”

“Was anyone injured?”

“Yeah. Nah. No injuries.”

“Okay. Good to hear. Do you have the other driver’s details?”

“Yeah. Toby Mortimer.”

“Address?”

“Yeah. 20 Bath Road, Yeovil”

“Registration Number?”

“Nah. Didn’t take it down don’t think.”

“Make and model of the vehicle?”

“I think it was like a Focus”

“So it wasn’t a van?”

“Yeah. There’s the van and all.”

“A car and a van?”

“Yeah. I goes into the back of the van and he goes into the back of the car.”

“I see.”

Danny scrolls back up the page on his PC to add this information. Dave Johnson is taking too long to ask Emma for a drink. Danny is irritated by Dave’s attempts to flirt with her. He tries to make out what they’re saying too each other but between his headset and the racket of the office the best he can do is guess by reading their faces.

“What damage was there to the Focus?”

“Yeah. Well. He got hit in the back didn’t he?”

“Bumper? Boot-lid? Lights?”

“Yeah?”

“The van. Do you have the driver’s name and address?”

“Yeah. B&Q. Big one. Driver was called Jim.”

“Damage?”

“Yeah.”

“Rear doors?”

“Nah, the van was okay I think. Jim said he didn’t mind as it was the company’s”

“No damage then?”

“Nah. Yeah.”

“Any damage to your car?”

“Yeah.”

“Front bumper? Bonnet?”

“Yeah. Nah nah nah. Bonnet. Wing. Lights. Bumper.”

“Which wing was damaged?”

“Yeah. Wing”

“Driver’s side? Passenger side?”

“Yeah. Passenger side?”

“Is the car still driveable?”

“Yeah. It won’t start now though.”

“So it’s not driveable?”

“Yeah. If I get it fixed”

Danny took a deep breath.

“What I’d suggest then is that we get one of our Approved Garages to recover the vehicle.” With a quick succession of hey presses and mouse-clicks, Danny retrieves the information he needs. “The system tells me that Petheron Body Repairs will be the nearest.”

“Yeah. What? They’ll come and take it?”

“Absolutely. I’ll give you their number, just in case”

“Yeah. My number is 07771 835535. Just ask for Jeff.”

Dave still hasn’t finished speaking with Emma. “Prick” Danny thinks to himself. He wonders why Emma is wasting her time speaking with Dave. Dave has as much work to do as anyone else and there are stacks of calls waiting to be answered. Everyone knows Emma’s got a boyfriend as well. Dave’s kidding himself.

The egg timer ceases on the screen.

“Okay sir, your claim number is ZU7-JHQ”

“Right. Z27-JK2”

“Thanks for calling sir. Bye bye”