Chanel no.5

7-7-09

‘When you died, I was seven years old. I’m going to be nine tomorrow and I don’t think daddy remembered. I have it on my calendar that I tick off the days on that you made for me before you went up to heaven. I don’t want a party or any presents, I just want you! I miss you mommy!’

8-7-09

‘I was right, he had forgotten. But Zach didn’t! He bought me a cupcake with his own money and gave it to me after dinner. It made me feel special! Daddy couldn’t stop saying he was sorry. He said he had a foggy brain that only worked sometimes. Nothing’s been the same since you left. Daddy forgets to brush my hair and to give us lunches for school. This morning, Zach’s backpack ripped open and daddy asked where did you usually get them. Can you please whisper it to him when he goes to sleep tonight because I don’t remember.’

9-7-09

‘I found the sweatshirt you always wore in the wardrobe. When I put it on, I made daddy cry. He said it was his first and that you robbed it from him. The letters are all torn. Daddy said he got it in college. I didn’t mean to make him cry! It just smelled so nice and it made me feel safe, like you were giving me a big hug. I smelled your perfume on it. Daddy said he still has some of your perfume and that I can spray a bit on the jumper and sleep in it tonight. I think he needs it more than me though so I’m going to let him sleep in it instead!’

10-11-22

‘When you died, I was seven years old!’

I found my old diary as I was cleaning out the closet today and my heart melted. I’m twenty-two now and there wasn’t one birthday that dad remembered. He did, however, always make sure there was Chanel no.5 in the house, the perfume you always wore. Whenever anything happened, he sprayed it on that old, tatty sweatshirt and I would curl up in it feeling as though you were hugging me, making me feel safe.

We shared that jumper, me and dad. He wore it mostly because two years ago he fell ill. The cancer got him. He tried to fight it but he lost the battle last week. I was there for it all. I brought him to his first chemotherapy session on my twenty-first birthday. I’m not going to lie, it was very rough, but at least we were together. It was a privilege to look after him towards the end. He told me stories about you and the wonderful person you were. He was so sad that you didn’t get to watch me and Zach grow up. He said we were the greatest gift you had ever given him.

Zach couldn’t handle dad being sick. He hadn’t visited in over a year, but the night before dad passed, Zach came with his wife Isabelle and their twins Peter and Michael. Dad insisted they looked exactly like Zach did at that age. They are adorable mom! You have no idea! I will always think that he was waiting to see Zach and say goodbye before he left to join you. He needed reassurance that he had done something right in raising his kids to be productive happy people. He did that, and did it well!

We buried him yesterday. It was a nice send off, small but intimate. Zach came with the family and got up and made a lovely speech. Please tell me he found you mom. You are the love of his life and when you died, a piece of him died with you. I believe that’s why he had a foggy brain most of the time. You were the clarity he needed to make his life complete.