Her Justice is Life

Maria was a troubled soul. She was someone who was dealt a crappy life in her earlier years which impacted greatly on her throughout her life. It moulded the person who she had become. It made her have a negative outlook on life where she trusted no one.

When Maria was twelve, on the cusp of womanhood, her grandfather began to abuse her sexually. This abuse lasted eight years. As Maria grew, the abuse grinded into her developing brain, and when it came down to it, she froze. She felt as though she could tell no one as when it was happening, she disassociated and couldn’t move. Her parents, always in the other room when her grandfather preyed on her, knew nothing as she was unable to call out…she was paralysed.

Rex entered Maria’s life when she was thirteen. He was a thoroughbred black and tan Jack Russell Terrier. He tried to stop the abuse once by jumping onto her legs and snarled at the predator. Her grandfather literally picked him up by the scruff of his neck and drop kicked him across the room. When he yelped, Maria’s father, Tony, ran into the room and scolded his father. Rex hadn’t stopped the abuse, but he did stop it that time in a costly manner, something she will be eternally grateful for.

At age eighteen, Maria’s parents knew something was wrong. She was plagued with headaches, something they went to every specialist imaginable for…but got no answers. Maria’s mother, Mary, was waking her up for school, a place she was reluctant to go to because she was finding it hard to concentrate, one morning and happened to pull the duvet, which she was clinging to, off of her and noticed that there was blood all over her pant leg.

Mary was very protective when it came to her only daughter and she insisted Maria show her the leg. Maria will never forget the face her mother made when she discovered that her precious angel had been cutting herself for the past year. Her latest bout of self-harm was very deep and even though she always tried to treat the cuts herself, the dressing Maria had put on the wound was saturated with blood.

As it was a time where you didn’t have to make an appointment with the GP, it was just first come first served, Mary dragged her still bleeding daughter down to the clinic as soon as she was dressed. Even with a fresh dressing, by the time they had gotten down to the GP’s, blood was seeping through her pant leg. Mary kindly asked if the people who were there before her would mind if they skipped the queue, something that they all agreed upon.

Twelve stitches and a prescription for a course of antibiotics later, Maria found her mother talking desperately with her father about putting her into a psychiatric hospital. No matter how much she protested, there was a bed with her name on it for later that day.

It was Mary who packed Maria’s bags, all the while tearing up as she did so. Maria was indifferent as to what she brought. She had seen ‘The One Who Flew Over the Coocoo’s Nest’ and was petrified. She expected bars on the windows and nurses who were just there for the pay check and didn’t really give a damn. As she was leaving, it was Rex who she felt she would miss the most. He was her guardian angel, her protector from all that was evil in life. She wished she could bring him with her.

The drive to the hospital was a quiet one. Every time Maria took a breath, more tears fell down her alabaster cheeks. An hour into the drive, they travelled through the Phoenix Park. Maria looked out the window and saw the resident herd of deer in the tall grass in the distance until her gaze fell upon a squirrel hurtling from tree to tree. She knew they must be close and began to beg her parents that she didn’t need to be an inpatient in any type of facility, that she could manage her safety at home.

As Mary looked at Tony with doe eyes, Tony shook his head and locked the doors of the car using the central locking system. He looked at his baby girl in the rear-view mirror, tears streaming down her face as she looked back at him. Her heart sank, she knew her father meant business.

When they exited the park, Maria noticed that they were immediately on the keys. She sobbed as she looked out the window towards the bustling streets. Everyone was in a rush to go somewhere…everyone but her. They crossed the Liffey at the blue bridge and drove up the hill. To Maria’s dismay, the lights all fell in their favour. She began to plead with them again as they drove down the Luas line and into the gates of the hospital. Tony pulled up to the front entrance and got out of the car to extract the copious amount of luggage Mary had packed. He brought the cases into the lobby before coming back for his little girl.

Maria refused to exit the vehicle. She dug her heels in deep and just wouldn’t budge. Much to Marias surprise, Mary piped up; ‘if you don’t get out of this car right now, so help me I will give Rex away!’ She had found Maria’s Achilles heel. Rex was her best friend and she couldn’t imagine not being able to cuddle up with him every night. If there was one way of getting her into the hospital doors, that was the way to do it. Maria looked up at her father who just nodded, his eyes glassy.

After eight long weeks in the hospital, Maria was discharged for the first time, the reunion with Rex making it all worthwhile. When he saw her, a little bit of pee came out and he began to howl with excitement. He greeted her at the car, jumping into the back seat and licking her face over and over again until her glasses were covered in so much saliva that she could see better without them. ‘And there you were thinking that he had forgotten about you!’ her father smiled affectionately. When Rex finally stopped, purely for the reason that he really needed to urinate, Maria got out of the car and walked into the house, Rex dancing around her.

Over the years there was a lot of blood, many stitches, and numerous inpatient stays. Maria was diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder which was brought on by the trauma her grandfather pressed upon her. That first admission was the first time she had spoken about the abuse, but the social worker she had confided in convinced her it was all in her head. The abuse went on for a further two more years. When it finally stopped, Maria waited a further three years before she had the confidence to speak out about it again…only this time the bastard was terminally ill and died before she got the justice she deserved…longed for.

As she was his only grandchild, she was made go to his funeral. She was forced to kiss his cold, dead head in the coffin and was encouraged strongly to ride in the front car with her grandmother. As he was being lowered into the ground, Maria cried. She cried not because she was sad, but because she was happy…she was finally free.

As the years passed, so did Rex. Maria will never forget having to say goodbye to her best friend, but he was suffering and just as he tried to help her all those years ago by stopping the abuse, she knew he deserved the same kindness. She opted into getting him cremated so she could bring him through her life forevermore.

Maria will never be able to forgive that social worker. Quite frankly she should have reported her…but she didn’t. That was just one chink in the long chain that Maria will never be able to untangle. She will never get her day in court or the justice she ached for. Her justice will have to be that she doesn’t let ‘him’ win and that everyday she fights to keep herself alive. Yes…her justice is life!