Imagine

Imagine you had a childhood crush on the boy next door for as long as you could remember, but it wasn’t reciprocated. You survived school only for him not to notice you. His golden locks, his geeky glasses, his dimples…

Imagine saving up for three years tour the middle east for three months, and then start your new year long working visa in Australia. You’re down to your last couple of hundred dollars, trolling the town for work and finally find it, in an Irish bar no less. You think you see someone you know, but then again you miss home so much that everyone looks like someone you know.

Imagine arriving in Dublin airport, putting your feet on Irish soil for the first time in over a year. You retrieve the three suitcases it took to bring everything home and pass-through customs without a glitch. You stop for a second, and take a breath, knowing that once you turn that corner and go out that door, they will all be there. You will get to see your family. Your heart flutters at that first but you ignore any doubt you had about having to live with your parents again because you don’t have a job and are starting over for the second time in another continent. You look around and there they all are, banners and all, eagerly awaiting your return from the great Oz.

Imagine going from complete self sufficiency to being back living in your childhood bedroom. It’s a lot smaller than you remembered, and is full of stuff you don’t need. How are you going to be able to fit your life now in the space that is still your life then? You try to box it up but your mother pulls a guilt trip on you for even thinking of getting rid of your school timetable from years back in case you might like to remember what you were like all those years ago!

Imagine feeling stuck. You get a job in a pub, but the thrill isn’t there compared to Australia. You feel out of place and no matter who you are around, you feel alone! You are there for the birth of your eldest sisters baby but you just can’t settle or even think about putting down roots of your own. You know you have to, no, need to move on and start again.

Imagine the day that you ring your uncle in Canada, who happens to own a chain of bars, and he confirms that he will happily sponsor you to go over there. He also confirms he will help you find proper accommodation and have a guaranteed job! Your heart starts to flutter like the wings you can’t quite spread in Dublin, wings that have slowly being grown inward since you came home from Australia the previous year.

Imagine standing at the departure gate doors, your family unable to get any further, and you have tears in your eyes…tears that are both happy and sad. You cross the threshold of the doors and know that there is no turning back! You know that you must soar with your wings to a place you don’t feel smothered, a place where you have to answer to your parents no matter what age you are.

Imagine starting over for the third time in as many years. You are apprehensive about the move until you see the shared housing your uncle has found for you, housing where you happily see a friendly face. ‘Hi Jeff!’ you say to the boy who used to live next door to. He does a double take and points at you saying how you used to tend bar in that bar in Oz. You smile at him and he smiles back and sparks begin to fly.

Imagine being at the airport and standing at the same doors you stood at a few years ago, but feel different this time. With your fiancée on your arm you feel confident and safe. Both of your wings are flapping to the same tune, the tune of love. You know the visit has an expiry date so you neatly tuck your wings away ready to leap into a new chapter of your life…marriage!

Imagine your father proudly walking you down the aisle in a beautiful white dress covered in fairy dust, your niece old enough to spread flower petals in front of you. You see your fiancée for the last time, as after today, he will be your husband. You look at him, tears streaming down his face as you finally make it down the red carpet and take his hand, letting go of your fathers. You finally feel complete, as though fate brought you together, especially when you started so close to each other.

Imagine retelling stories of your wedding to your friends back in Canada where you have a little reception for those in your life who didn’t get the opportunity to make it to the emerald isle. You put on another dress, baby blue this time, and once again have a first dance with your husband in the place where you feel most at home. Fate brought you together, but love intertwined you!

Imagine getting a cab back to your house, the one which you decorated together and are very proud of! You are not drunk, but tipsy, and are gazing into each other’s eyes. Your eyes happen to drift to the right, and out the dark window and you see lights coming at you, approaching at an alarming rate. You try to alert the driver but your too late. You try to pull your new husband closer towards you but he can’t see what you see. You hear the screeching sound of metal on metal and your ears start to ring from the collision that made your taxi overturn three times before finally stopping, its rooftop on the road.

Imagine you see blinking lights but the ringing is deafening and you can’t hear anything else. You turn your head to the side and see the driver crushed by the impact, stuck where the windscreen once was. Who you don’t see is your husband! You call out for him but cannot tell if he can hear you because you can’t here yourself. You carefully pull yourself out of the shattered back window, your arm obviously broken, and go in search of him. When you finally find him, you move to lay on the ground beside him, the ringing in your ears disappearing. It sounds like he’s gurgling mouthwash, but you know it to be blood. You place your good hand on his heart and look into his eyes as the life is extinguished behind them like water on a flame.

Imagine going to the hospital in an ambulance, your new husband lying dead on the road behind you and all you want to do is hold him and mourn him. You’re treated in the hospital with dignity and respect, and someone asks you when you are due. ‘Due for what?’ you answer. ‘The baby! How many weeks are you pregnant?’

Imagine finding out that you are thirteen weeks pregnant with a baby you didn’t know was there! Your father holding your hand after flying over from Ireland as they put the fresh soil on top of the already lowered casket. Your father turns to you and says, ‘Jeff is gone now, but that little peanut inside you will make him live on! It will be the ultimate gift Jeff gave to you! I know! I know because you are one of the three ultimate gifts your mother gave me! Raising a family is a privilege, and you are lucky to be able to always have a living part of him on this earth!’

Imagine holding your new born bouncing baby boy and looking into his face. All you can see is Jeff! He’s in his eyes and his mouth. He’s perfect! You are just upset at the fact your husband isn’t there to hold his son. You decide to call him Jeffrey, after his dad. Your mother is over for the birth and tries to coax you back home. ‘How can I move home?’ you ask, ‘my whole life is here!’ You smile down at your son and now know what your father meant about children being a privilege!

Imagine twenty years later, Jeffrey wants to go and explore the world just like you did. But this time instead of starting over, he starts at the beginning! He starts back in your old bedroom and smiles because he feels at home!