Peanut

When the waitress placed a coffee in front of me, I thanked her, a sombre expression on my face. I cupped the mug in my hands, allowing the heat permeate through my pores. I couldn’t believe she was gone! I took a sip of my delicious, creamy cappuccino and closed my eyes.

I couldn’t help but see her infectious smile beam up at me from the hospital bed letting me know that everything was going to be ok.  

I placed my hand inside the breast pocket of my black mourning coat and retrieved the brown envelope my uncle Bob had handed me at the graveyard mere hours before. I wondered what he meant when he advised me to open it alone. I looked at the letters on the outside of the envelope, unable to recognise the scrawl that spelled out the word ‘David’. I immediately knew however that it was from my late mother.

My mind instantly transported me to that day she kicked me out of the house, three weeks after my father died. She found me rifling through the press his medication was kept in, trying to gather up the last of the oxycontin. I badly needed a fix and will always recall the disappointment written all over her face the second she realised what I was doing. I thought myself a failure in her eyes since.  Prison, rehab, the ‘I will change’ cycle made the disappointment grow over the last ten years.

I gently broke the seal of the relatively small envelope, careful not to rip it. It was the last thing that she would ever give me and I wanted to handle it with care. I had already broken her heart, the last thing I wanted to do was desecrate her memory by ripping it open.

The envelope contained two things; a photograph and a letter. My eyes were immediately drawn to the photograph. It was of the day I graduated from college. I was in the middle of the photo in my cap and gown holding a scroll of paper encased with a red satin ribbon, my mother to my right, my father to my left, both beaming with pride. I felt a tug on my heartstrings as it was that night the police rang my parents to come and collect me from the station for the first time. I was at a graduation after party where the drugs were flying. When the police shut the party down, they escorted me to the station as I was caught with a bottle of my father’s OxyContin in my pocket.

I will always remember the saddened look on her face in particular as I was released into their custody with a caution put onto my record for possession with the intent to sell. I never intended to sell the pills, I just wanted to deaden the pain. What I wouldn’t give to sit my mother down and explain to her that I was only trying to escape the brutal fact that I couldn’t face my father deteriorating in front of my eyes. He was diagnosed with a brain tumour a couple of months before and I just couldn’t cope with the reality that I was about to lose him. Had I explained, maybe I wouldn’t have drifted so far away from her. Maybe the cycle would have broken and I would have gotten the opportunity to make her proud of me.  

I noticed a drop of water land on the photo. I looked up at the ceiling to see if there was a leak above me before realising that it was a tear. I quickly took the napkin from the table and dabbed my eyes and the droplet on the well-worn photograph, embarrassed. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried. When my father died, I was so pumped up on pills that my emotions were supressed leaving me incapable of crying. Shame ensconce my being and I shuddered from my core. If my father dying drove me to drugs, I couldn’t imagine what she was going through.

I cleared my throat and reluctantly took my eyes off of her infectious smile, drawing my attention to the letter. It was written on thick cream paper in cursive. It read:

My dearest Davey,

If you are reading this, I have joined daddy and have passed. I want you to know how proud I am of you, my little peanut! As I lay here, dictating this letter to the lovely Hayley, I suddenly feel warmth envelop my being.

I’m so proud of you son for cleaning up your act, and sorry that you had to experience prison and rehab in order to get there. You see, I knew before you did that you had a problem. You have to remember that it was me who refilled daddy’s pills. I should have spoken up when I first noticed the light behind your eyes vanish … I failed you there! You and daddy were my whole world and I lost you both to his cancer.

I was overjoyed when you came to see me today! When I first looked at you, I saw fire in those eyes once more. I saw how much effort you had put into getting clean. When you talked of me soon to be a grandmother, I knew that that fire in your belly had returned and that my little peanut was back! I’m proud to be able to call you, my son!

Love mammy xx

David, your mother passed just minutes after she dictated this letter to me. She died beaming with pride holding this photograph, a smile on her face.

Sorry for your loss,

Hayley.

As I reread the letter, I wiped my eyes with the now saturated napkin and paid no attention to the looks I was getting from the other patrons of the coffee shop. My mother was proud of me! It was as if someone had just taken two stone off of my shoulders.

‘Davey?’ I heard the sweetest voice in the world say to me as she placed her hand on my shoulder. It was Lily, my fiancé. I leaned into her, placing my ear on her pregnancy bump and sobbed. She stroked my hair. ‘Let it all out!’ she kept saying over and over again, the waitress supplying her with fresh napkins.

I felt the baby kick and kissed Lily’s navel. I looked up, met by the face of an angel. ‘She was proud of me!’ I whispered. I closed my eyes smiling and kissed Lily's belly, my peanut, ready for the next chapter of my life.

picture from pixabay