Castle of Maidens

THE CASTLE OF MAIDENS

The Castle of Maidens

Two knights rode through the countryside in a leisurely manner, while a
small dragon flapped above them.

"Funny meeting you like this," said Sir Eustace Curdylion. "I'd have
thought you'd be married to that princess by now."

"Oh, once she heard the Prince was in the market for a bride she didn't
want to know me," said Sir Kevin. "Still, I don't think we were really
suited."

"I must say you're taking it very well."

"Don't think I'm not heartbroken," said Sir Kevin. "In fact, I wrote a
song about it. Would you like to hear - ?"

"Some other time," Sir Eustace broke in hastily. "Hullo - what's going
on ahead?"

They had reached the brow of a hill. Before them the road descended to
where a maiden on a palfrey was approaching a crossroads. As she
reached it a knight in red armour burst out of the bushes, snatched he
from her horse, slung her across his saddlebow and galloped back the
way he had come, leaving behind naught but a cloud of dust and a
bemused palfrey.

Eustace blinked. "Did you see that?"

"Outrageous!" squeaked Sir Kevin.

"Nice technique, though."

"We must rescue her."

"Do we have to? I'm not in the mood"

"Of course we do," declared Sir Kevin. "Rescuing beautiful maidens is
our knightly duty."

Eustace sighed. "Oh, all right. Though don't assume she'll be
beautiful, they hardly ever are. Snowdrop! Can you see where he's
heading?"

"Big castle, round the bend on the left," the dragon called down to
them.

"Let's go then."

"I say," said Sir Kevin as they rode down the hill. "Why do you call
your dragon Snowdrop?"

"He's not my dragon. And do be careful, he's sensitive about his name.
If he thinks you're laughing at him you could end up charcoal."

"Wouldn't dream of it!"

As they rounded the bend the castle loomed before them. The drawbridge
was up, but at the edge of the moat opposite the gatehouse grew a
blasted oak. A battered and dented shield hung from its one remaining
branch. There was a notice nailed to the trunk.

BASH ONCE FOR JOUST
No Hawkers
No Circulars

"D'you want to go first?" asked Sir Kevin.

"Not at all," replied Sir Eustace. "After you."

Sir Kevin gave the shield a good thump with his lance. A trumpet
sounded from the battlement. Then with much creaking and rattling of
chains the drawbridge came down, and the Red Knight rode out to do
battle.

Sir Kevin couched his lance, spurred his horse, and rode to meet him.
He made a brave sight, with his bright shiny armour and the green plume
fluttering from his helmet. The ground shook as the two knights hurtled
towards each other. Then they met. Sir Kevin's lance rose into the air,
closely followed by Sir Kevin. He executed a graceful somersault and
landed with a resounding clang in the road.

"Ah well," said Sir Eustace. He patted his horse on the neck. "Come on,
Mompyns. Looks like it's our turn."

The Red Knight had turned, ready for a second run. Mompyns shifted into
top and thundered down the road. Eustace had time to notice how
battered and well used the other knight's armour looked - rather like
his own in fact. Then the point of his lance connected with the other's
midriff, carrying him backwards over his horse's tail to end up sitting
in the roadway.
Eustace trotted up to him.

"Yield?"

"I yield!" cried the Red Knight. He tugged off his helm, revealing a
face as red as his armour.

Sir Eustace removed his own helmet. "Hi, Merv," he said.

"Good God! Useless!" The Red Knight scrambled to his feet. "Haven't
seen you since the last Old Boy's Reunion. Who's your friend?"

Sir Kevin limped up. His armour had taken a few dents.

"Sir Kevin Dandiprat, Sir Mervyn Twisk." said Eustace. "Sir Kevin is a
poet."

"Ah. I can see that. How about coming in for a spot of dinner? The
maidens would love to meet you"

"Don't mind if we do. Can we bring the dragon?"

Snowdrop had landed a few yards away, to the consternation of Sir
Mervyn's horse. Sir Mervyn looked uncomfortable. "D'you think we could
send him a bite of something out here? Not that I'm prejudiced, mind,
but the situation at the castle - it's a bit awkward."

Snowdrop sniffed. "Don't mind me, I'm used to being unwanted."

"It's not that, it's just - " Sir Mervyn sight. "I'll explain over
dinner."

It was a superb dinner.

"A couple of the maidens turned out to be good cooks," said Sir Mervyn,
"and we get plenty of supplies sent in from the countryside."

"I'm surprised to find you going around grabbing maidens, Merv," said
Eustace. "Wouldn't have thought it was your sort of thing."

"Didn't have any choice. Custom of the Castle, see."

"How may have you got?"

"Twenty-eight, I think, last count. No, twenty-nine, with the new
one."

"I suppose you'll let them go now that you've been beaten?"

"Good lord, no," cried Sir Mervyn. "they have to stay. I'm free,
though, I've done my stint."

"What do you mean?" asked Eustace. A nasty cold sensation was gathering
in his stomach.

"Well, you beat me, didn't you?" A smug smile flitted across Sir
Mervyn's face. "You're Knight of the Castle now."

"Hang on a minute! I'm not taking up abduction at my time of life.
Anyway, what's to stop me walking out of that door?"

"Your conscience, I hope. If you'd let me explain the situation -
"

"I think you'd better," said Sir Eustace.

Sir Kevin was surrounded by a bevy of maidens at the other end of the
table. They had persuaded him to get out his lute.

"Can we go somewhere quieter?" asked Sir Eustace.

"Battlements," said Sir Mervyn. "Often walk there of an evening. Clears
the head. It all started," he began after they had climbed the castle
walls, "about a hundred years back. The lord of the castle was having a
spot of trouble with a dragon. Pesky blighter it was. Eating all the
cows and sheep for miles around, not to mention peasants. Well,
peasants you can replace, but cows cost money. Tried everything,
couldn't get rid of it. So he hired a wizard to create him a
Counter-Monster."

"Did it work?"

"Oh yes, brilliantly. Been programmed to attack all dragons on sight,
see. Saw it off in no time. Only once the dragon had gone, the lord
realised he had another problem."

"What to do about the Counter-Monster."

"Exactly. I mean, something designed to fight dragons isn't easy to
kill. Fireproof, for a start, and if you chop of any of its heads it
just grows another one. Luckily it wasn't very aggressive, except to
dragons, so they locked it in the cellar and pretty well forgot about
it. Fed on scraps - it eats anything luckily - made a handy waste
disposal unit."

"So what's the problem?"

"It didn't know when to stop growing. Now it fills the whole cellar.
It's far too big to get out, and if it wakes up hungry and gets
restless in could bring the castle down about our ears. That's why we
need all these maidens."

"You feed it on maidens?" cried Sir Eustace, scandalised.

"No, no. The maidens are to keep it asleep. They sing it lullabies,
round the clock, in shifts. Only they keep getting bored and running
off. That's why I have to renew the supply all the time. Or rather, you
will. I'll be off in the morning."

"Oh great," said Eustace. "Can't I get out of it?"

"Only if you're beaten in a joust - but I'm afraid all the knights
round here know the score. Or if you find a way t get shut off the
monster, of course. By the way, whatever you do don't let it get a
sniff of your dragon, or all the maidens in the kingdom won't be able
to keep it asleep."

"Thanks," said Sir Eustace, gloomily.

Sir Mervyn left next morning. Sir Kevin went with him, much to the
dismay of the maidens.

"Sorry to leave you in the lurch," he told Sir Eustace, "but I don't
feel safe here. Some of those maidens have a matrimonial look, and I
can't say I fancy any of them."

Eustace could see his point. Presumably it was the young and pretty
ones who tended to run off, because the ones left were decidedly past
their best.

"You run along," said Eustace, "don't mind me. You can try out all your
songs on Merv, he loves music," he added maliciously.

Sir Eustace settled into his new life. No knights came by to offer to
joust with him. He managed to capture a maiden, though not very
competently. She would have got away if she had not waited for him. He
was very bored.

"It's all these women," he confided to the dragon one evening. He
sneaked out whenever he could for a quiet chat. "I mean, they're very
kind but I wish they wouldn't fuss so much. I only have to sneeze and
they've got me in bed for a week, dosing me with physic."

"Wondered where you'd got to," said the dragon.

"And then I've got to take my boots off before I go inside, and change
for dinner, and there's such a to-do if I spill anything or don't use a
coaster for my tankard - I tell you, Snowdrop, it's starting to get me
down."

"Perhaps another knight will show up."

"Maybe. But we're not exactly on the main road. Lady Soldanelle was
saying the other day that Sir Kevin and me were the first knights to
come by in nearly a year! I don't think I could stand it that
long."

"Then you'll have to do something about the monster. Can't you get it
out of the cellar? Widen the door or something?"

"It's not that simple. Apparently the beast doesn't have a regular
shape - it's amorphous - and it's sort of grown into the shape of the
cellar. You'd pretty well have to dismantle the castle to get it
out."

A female voice floated over the moat. "Sir Eustace, supper time! Come
and drink your posset while it's hot."

"That's another thing," Eustace groaned. "The way they're feeding me, I
won't be able to get into my armour in a few weeks."

The dragon grinned. "Well, you can always use some of that shrinking
powder you pinched."

"Sir Eustace!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Eustace heaved himself to his feet, then
paused to stare down at the dragon. "Shrinking powder . . . you know,
you've just given me an idea."

Sir Eustace peered down through the open trapdoor into the cellar. The
maidens clustered anxiously behind him.

"You're sure it's directly underneath?"

"Oh yes," Lady Soldanelle assured him. "You're not going to hurt the
poor thing, are you? We've got quite fond of it, over the years."

"No, no, won't hurt a bit." Eustace took out the jar of shrinking
powder, unscrewed the top and poured the contents through the trapdoor.
For a moment nothing happened, then the maidens shrieked and clutched
their skirts in the sudden inrush of air into the cellar.

Sir Eustace gave a satisfied sigh. "That's the first part gone to plan.
Now let's get the dragon."

He crossed the courtyard to where Snowdrop waited by the gate.
"Ready?"

The dragon nodded. At a signal from Sir Eustace the maidens opened the
main door of the cellar.

"Don't know why I let you talk me into this," grumbled Snowdrop. "Ah
well, here goes. Nar nar na nar na, who's a scaredy - bloody
hell!"

The monster erupted from the cellar like an infuriated wasp. It was now
the size of a small cat, but what it had lost in bulk it made up in
ferocity. It was moving too quickly for Eustace to make out its shape,
he had only a blurred impression of several heads well supplied with
teeth and two pairs of wings moving too fast to be seen. It made
straight for the dragon, buzzing loudly.

Snowdrop launched himself into the air, wings beating as he strove to
gain height. The monster followed. Snowdrop aimed a jet of fire. The
monster emerged singed but undaunted. Snowdrop swatted it with his
tail. The monster ricocheted off the castle walls and returned to the
fray, sinking its teeth into the dragon's muzzle. Snowdrop howled and
clawed it off.

"Right, that's enough," he cried. "I'm off!"

He fled, speeding like an arrow into the sunset, the monster in hot
pursuit. Sir Eustace and the maidens watched them go.

"Do you think they'll be all right?" whispered Lady Soldanelle.

"Course they will," said Sir Eustace.

Three days later Snowdrop returned. He flopped onto the grass by the
moat and lay panting, tattered wings outstretched. Sir Eustace and the
maidens rushed out to greet him.

"Never again," he groaned. "Next time you want to lose a monster you
can do it yourself."

Sir Eustace sat on the grass and made sympathetic noises, while the
maidens rushed around with ointment and bandages and bowls of
nourishing soup.

"What happened?"

"I couldn't shake the damn thing off. Flew for miles, it just kept up
with me. Every time I slowed down it nipped in and tried to take a
chunk out of me. I thought I'd fall out of the sky from exhaustion -
but there's nothing like the threat of seven sets of teeth in your bum
to keep you moving. Then about lunch-time yesterday, I was out over the
desert by that time, I noticed that it was getting bigger. The powder
was wearing off!"

"Dear me," said Sir Eustace.

"I thought I'd had it. If I couldn't fight it shrunk, I'd have no
chance full size. I put on a last burst of speed, and looked back just
in time to see it suddenly swell up. Terrifying, it was. And then -
"

Snowdrop paused to drink a bucket of water.

"What?"

"It stalled. To heavy, see. Wings wouldn't hold it up. Hit the ground,
bounced a few times, then came to rest."

"It's dead, then?"

"No chance. I think it's indestructible. If it slims down it might even
get into the air again someday. But not for some time, and I doubt if
it will find its way back here."

The maidens all cheered.
"If you're feeling up to it," said Lady Soldanelle, "would you like to
come into the castle? We've prepared a small victory feast, nothing
fancy - "

Snowdrop decided that he was probably up to it.

They departed next day. The maidens would have liked them to stay for a
while, but Sir Eustace insisted they had urgent business
elsewhere.

"I suppose you will all be going home now," he said.

"Those of us who have homes," said Lady Soldanelle. "Actually we're
thinking of opening the place as a country house hotel. So if you ever
happen to be passing . . . "

"Of course. Certainly," said Sir Eustace.

They set off, Snowdrop walking beside Sir Eustace's horse because his
wings were still tired. A few miles down the road a maiden crossed
their path, shrieking histrionically, pursued by a knight.

"Don't even think about it," said the dragon.

"About what?" asked Sir Eustace.

* * *

(This is the fifth story about Sir Eustace Curdylion and Snowdrop the
dragon. The others are:

When Knights were Bold
The Dreadful Shepherdess
A Wizard Wheeze
Mistress Gurney's Box

all from the set 'Dragontails)