Starry Starry Night

Norbert

Chapter 52

Starry Starry Night

We are now 22 – 14 down.

Rube is leaning dreamily over our table, gazing into Dora Mae Blimp’s cleavage.

‘How many questions are left?’ I ask.

‘Pish off, I’m talking to these two ladies.’

I look at Dora Mae Blimp. ‘Pull your top up.’

‘Keep your nose out of it, you gormless little runt,’ she shouts, spitting a mouthful of half chewed chocolate cake into Ruben’s face.

He is too drunk or in love to notice.

‘How can you say that to the godfather of your child?’ I sniffle.

‘Former godfather,’ she says. ‘She’s just got a new one.’

Dora Mae grabs hold of Ruben’s ears and pulls his face close to hers. He puckers his lips for a kiss, but she licks the soggy crumbs from his face instead.

‘That is gross,’ says Isabel, still rubbing her eye.

There it is again, that feeling of perceiving a new situation as if it has happened before. ‘Weggie does exactly the same thing to our telly box.’

‘Can you see anything in my eye?’ Isabel asks, pulling up the lid. ‘It feels like it’s just been poked with something sharp.’

Peregrine clambers onto the stage and pulls Ruben free. ‘I say, old chap, people are watching. I think you’d better … Err, do you realise your face is covered with … Err, what is that covering your face?’

‘Lust, probably.’

‘The colour is closer to rust.’

‘Well, I am as hard as iron. Look.’

‘I’d rather not, if that’s all right. Can we get back to the quiz?’

‘I’d like to make a proposal first, if I may?’ says Rube.

‘YES, I WILL,’ screams Dora Mae Blimp.

‘That is ruddy decent of you, old girl. You’ve made me the happiest man in this room.’

‘Congratulations,’ says Mr Foote-Wharmer. ‘I’ll make the announcement at the end of the quiz, after the presentation.’

‘Champion,’ says Rube, staggering back to his seat. He glares at GT. ‘Right everyone, no more interruptions. It’s back to the quiz. Why were Red Indians the first to colonise America?’

GT buzzes. ‘Obviously they got there first.’

‘They’re indigenous, you idiot.’

‘Wouldn’t you be angry if the palefaces slaughtered all your gruffalo?’

An infectiously happy Dora Mae Blimp buzzes on our behalf. ‘They had reservations.’

‘Correct ... How do you make holy water?’

Velcro buzzes. ‘A priest has to bless it.’

‘I’m afraid he doesn’t.’

Vera buzzes. ‘Boil the hell out of it.’

‘That’s the way to do it. Excellent. Capital. Get me a Gin Sling or sling me a gin. Either will do ... Why is Cuba the most fun country to visit?’

Healer Dai buzzes. ‘You can shoot people without going to prison and marry your sisters.’

‘If only, but no.’

Vera and I nod to each other. She buzzes. ‘Because everyone is Havana good time.’

‘You got it, sister ... If a teacher confiscates a rubber band during an algebra exam, what is he holding?’

Healer Dai buzzes. ‘A rubber band. You can’t catch me out, boyo.’

‘Sad am as I am to shay it, I’m afraid I have, old chap. That’s a Dubonnet with Henderson’s Relish you owe me, doc.’

We have been conferring without success, but then Vera has a moment of inspiration. ‘Sad am as I am,’ she whispers to us. ‘He’s only pretending to slur his speech.’ She buzzes. ‘A weapon of math disruption.’

‘Yes,’ I shout, ‘good one,’ and we all high five each other.

‘An excellent point, well picked up on,’ says Ruben, accepting his new drink. ‘What do you call the chicken that crossed the road?’

Dora Mae Doll buzzes. ‘Is this before the egg or after?’

Dora Mae Blimp buzzes three times to get Rube’s wandering attention, but pauses to smear on some lipstick and stretch her jumper down again before answering. ‘Poultry in motion.’

‘Are you sure there’s only four on your team?’ Rube says to me. ‘I’m counting five heads again ... What happens when a dentist falls out with a manicurist?

So easy we buzz in first. ‘They fight tooth and nail,’ says Vera.

‘Two points brings the scores level.’

‘No it doesn’t,’ screams Nunky, jumping to his feet. ‘Mi babby is still losing by a point.’

‘Whose side are you on, Nunky?’

‘The side of mathematics and honesty, mi babby.’

Peregrine and Baldy stop stroking Matron and confirm he is right.

‘It’s time for some more sport questions,’ says GT. ‘Or sex questions or car questions. Stuff what I know about.’

Ruben swallows a double rum and eggnog, wipes the yellow mess from his upper lip and turns to GT. ‘It’s always about you, isn’t it? What’s best for you?’

‘I am who I am, Rube. With my face, physique, charisma and charm is it any wonder I’m the centre of everyone’s universe? I am the man, Rube. Let’s put an end to this charade right now and anoint me Senior Technician. It’s what everyone wants.’

‘A self-centred bore? A user? A bully? A know it all? They are the qualities which make a good senior? Is that what you think?’

‘Don’t forget cad,’ shouts Baldy.

‘And bounder,’ shouts Peregrine. ‘Most definitely a bounder.’

‘And a sore loser,’ puts in Jembediah.

‘Yes, you are all of those things,’ says Ruben.

‘But I’m still the best man for the job,’ says GT, smugly. ‘You can’t argue with that.’ He appeals to the audience. ‘Can he, ladies?’

The cheers are more desultory than earlier and quickly fade.

GT stands up, flexes all his visible muscles and holds the pose. ‘Hey, come on girls. Isabel is out of the picture. It’s just me and you. All of you. I’ll share you all equally. I’ll draw up a rota. Everyone will get their fair share.’

‘Sit down,’ shouts Ruben. ‘There are two questions to go. It isn’t over till the fat lady sings.’

‘Now you fucking tell me,’ yells Matron, attempting to rise to her feet.

Ruben raises his voice above the cacophony. ‘Why did Peter Pan never win a fight?’

Healer Dai buzzes. ‘I is read the book and he isn’t a boxer.’

‘Wrong.’

We confer.

‘I wouldn’t know,’ says Isabel. ‘I haven’t read it.

‘Me neither,’ says Dora Mae.

‘Sorry, I can’t help you,’ says Vera.

I see Nunky jumping up and down and waving his arms. I give him the thumbs up and buzz. ‘Nunky read it to me last year. It’s because his punches Neverland.’

‘One point. The scores are level. Last question. Winner takes the job.’

He pauses for dramatic effect, like they do on Strictly and X Factor to heighten the tension. (Nunky usually buries his face in Weggie’s fur and groans: ‘I can’t bear it, Weggie, I just can’t bear it.’)

‘Okay,’ says Rube, pausing to finish off his Mai Tai. ‘This is it. Fingers on buzzers. Here it comes … What do they give a cannibal who turns up late for lunch?’

There is silence. No one dare buzz. GT and his team confer. We confer. A minute passes. The audience is rapt (not wrapped).

‘Come on,’ says Rube. ‘I need an answer.’

GT buzzes. ‘The leftovers?’

‘An excellent answer,’ says Rube, and the whole team jump to their feet and yell and hug one another, ‘but wrong.’

Their shoulders slump and they sit back down.

I look at my colleagues. They shake their heads apologetically. I buzz.

‘Norbert,’ says Rube. ‘The floor is yours.’

I stand up. I look at my team. I look at the opposition. I look at the quizmaster. I look back at my life and finally my gaze settles on the audience.

‘I cannot believe you didn’t get it, all of you.’ I sweep my arms wide to embrace the whole room (a metaphor for the whole universe). ‘Why didn’t you think about me? Or is it because you never think about me? About the way you all treat me. About the way I’ve been treated my whole life.’ I look directly at GT. ‘No one could have asked you an easier question. Your arrogance, conceit and hurtful scorn have cost you the job you so covert. You only have yourself to blame.’

‘I’m still waiting for an answer,’ says Rube.

‘So are we,’ shouts the audience.

I raise my arms for silence and open my mouth to answer, but a sudden tsunami of emotion floods my throat and I choke on the words. The overflow floods from my eyes and down my nose.

‘Mi babby, mi poor, poor babby,’ I hear from the audience.

Soft fingers caress my hand. I look down at Isabel, at the tears smudging her eye make-up. I pull away from her and leave the stage, head for the fire door and bang it open. Just before I run into the lonely night I shout: ‘The cold shoulder.’

There is stunned silence in the social club, but then Matron turns to Baldy and says: ‘What was the question? I’ve forgotten the question.’

*

Isabel finds me sitting on a bench overlooking the football pitch, the scene of my first triumph. My only triumph. I have won the quiz. I am the new Senior Technician in Haematology, but like normal I feel empty and bereft of joy.

She sits down, but at a distance. ‘I didn’t come out here of my own accord. They asked me to. They’re waiting for you inside.’

‘I understand.’ I blow my nose. ‘You know, I would have preferred a trophy or a certificate. The job is meaningless without respect.’

She shrugs. ‘It’s a lot more money.’

I look across and shrug. ‘I suppose it is.’

‘And anyway, you’re not the only one with problems, are you?’

‘Who could possibly have a worse life than me?’

‘The stunningly beautiful girl with the loolybells to die for who’s just been told in front of the whole hospital by her cheating ex-boyfriend that he’s shagged my mother, for one.’

I slide across and hold out my hand. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.’

She slaps it away. ‘He humiliated us in front of all those people. Imagine what it will be like when we get home?’

‘Yes, it will probably end in divorce.’ (I immediately wish I hadn’t said that.)

She starts to cry.

I long to put my arms around her and kiss her and perhaps sneak a quick feel, but I dare not. I know that whatever comes out of my mouth next could define our relationship from here on.

‘I’m sure GT was thinking of you whilst he seduced your mum.’ She frowns. ‘I mean, that it was you instead of her.’ She sobs. ‘I mean, unless your mum initiated it.’ She howls. ‘I mean, I’ve heard the story. She was only wearing a towel. And your mum’s really pretty. For her age, I mean. And you know GT, he’s really choosy…’

‘Shut up,’ she screams.

‘I’m sorry, I’m nervous. I’ve never been outside in the moonlight with a pretty girl before. With any girl before.’

‘I’ve lost count of the number of hours I’ve spent outside on seats like this in the middle of the night with different men, all after the same thing. Just thinking about it makes me angry.’

‘But…’

‘I don’t mean you. You don’t count.’

‘That’s…’

‘You’re not like the others.’

‘I want to be…’

She isn’t listening. ‘You’re not like a proper man, are you? More like a little brother. You’re innocent and kind. You’re not thinking about…’

‘I am. I am.’

‘You appreciate my incredible beauty and compliment my sexuality in your own childlike way, but with you it’s as a friend … Well, more as a slave, but you know what I mean.’

‘No, I…’

‘I appreciate your loyalty and friendship and idolatry. It’s nice to have someone who doesn’t just want to…’

‘But I do. I do…’

She finally grabs my hand, stands and pulls me to my feet. ‘I really enjoyed our little chat. I’ve learned a lot about you in the last few minutes. Now I know you’re different to other men, I think we can be friends.’

I sigh. ‘Great.’

‘Anyway, we’d best go back inside.’

‘I don’t think I can face them.’

‘Nonsense. They’ve just had to sit through Matron singing: “Halleluiah It’s Raining Men”, with Peregrine and Baldy jiving in the background. No one can top that for an embarrassing spectacle.’

‘Apart from…’ I’ve learned my lesson and shut up.

We wander slowly back to the hall. I pause and look up at the heavens. It is a perfectly clear night, not a cloud in the sky.

‘What are you looking at?’ she asks.

I think about how much I love her and want her, but the hopelessness of it. ‘I’m looking for a star to wish upon, to say a little prayer to for the future.’

‘Ah, that is so nice. Can I choose one for you?’

My heart is bursting with love. ‘You don’t know how much that would mean to me. It will always be our star.’

She smiles. ‘Our star, I like that. It’s romantic in an old fashioned, not anything to do with sex, kind of way.’

Isabel stands close beside me and scans the heavens. ‘That one. I choose that one there.’ She points. ‘The really bright one. Do you see it?’

‘Yes, I see it. It makes me think of Weggie.’

We are standing face to face; her luscious lips level with my eyes. ‘Why?’

‘They call it the Dog Star.’

She leans so close I can feel her sweet breath. The girl is killing me. ‘You can not be Sirius?’

*

I climb onto the stage. All the Chief Technicians shake my hand and offer some form of impudent congratulation.

Matron takes my hand. ‘Haven’t I met you shumwhere before?’

‘I’ve been sitting in front of you on the stage all night, at the football match and here during the interval.’

‘Oh yesh, I remember the football match very well. I scored twice. Anyway, congratuflations on whatever it is you’ve achieved and I hope you’ll be very shucchessful at whatever it is you’ll be doing. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to be bent over and sheen to by Mr Foote-Wharmer.’

‘There is just one more thing before you all disperse,’ says Peregrine. ‘Obviously we all wish Mr Rockhampton-Smythe well in his new post, but we must also wish Ruben luck in his new career as a racing swallow trainer, and also to pass on our heartiest congratulations on his engagement and forthcoming marriage to Miss Dora Mae.’ 

Dora Mae Blimp rushes into his arms. ‘He proposed during the quiz,’ she informs the audience after the applause has died down.

Ruben gapes at her in open-mouthed astonishment. ‘What? No, you don’t understand. You didn’t let me finish. My proposal was that both teams share the cost of the drinks.’

 

 

THE END