Immaculate Abortion Or Raped by God

(princess closes dumpster, lights a cigarette in the process of crossing between dumpsters and dock. At dock, she is confronted by her maid)

(knowingly) Maid: I know.

Princess: What do you know except how to get stains off of clothes you can’t afford

Maid: If you want me to keep my mouth shut then your going to have to treat me a lot nicer than that.

Princess: I really have no clue what your talking about.

Maid: I’m talking about the baby you just dropped off in that dumpster.

Princess: Ahh, that, well, there’s a thing about that

Maid: You bet there’s a thing about that, your going to have to pay up big time if you don’t want people to find out about your little new jersey day care center over there.

Princess: You don’t understand...

Maid: I know I don’t, it isn’t like you would have had to do any work with the baby. All your work was done already, once you have it, I get promoted to nanny, and you continue your strenuous daily routine of lounging and sending back drinks.

Princess: Really now, thats only about half of what I do during the day.

Maid: You are a princess, in line to be queen, the child would have lived a life of privilege.

Princess: I know what kind of life the child would have lead

Maid: Right, anyway, I’m willing to over look this whole indecent little scene for a price. A lump some of money would be suspicious, so we need to work out a nice inconspicuous payment plan.

Princess: You know money is no object, just work something out that no one will notice.
Unless.....

Maid: Unless what?

Princess: I could probably just as easily make you disappear

Maid: uh...

Princess: Or, I could just blame the whole thing on you.

Maid: Now listen...

Princess: I would say that you were taking care of the child and for no apparent reason you decided to shake it like it was a polaroid

Maid: I take offense at that.

Princess: I don’t believe that for a second

Maid: (looking for an out) What does the father think about all of this

Princess: He isn’t around

Maid: Well where is he?

Princess: I don’t know, I never met him

Maid: oh dear, you weren’t raped, were you?

Princess: and who would have raped me, I’m fairly sure all of the servants are eunuchs, and I don’t often make it to the docks

Maid: I’m confused

Princess: The docks, ships park there, men of low moral fiber do blue collar things, I’m not sure exactly what.

Maid: No, I’m confused as to how you got pregnant in the first place.

Princess: That troubled me for a while, too, I am a virgin after all

Maid: (now semi speechless) but....you....that means

Princess: Right, immaculate conception, I realized after some time that I was carrying the child of God.

Maid: And.......you.....

Princess: thats right, I bashed it. I am a strict atheist, you see, and I wasn’t about to be proven wrong by some snot nosed messiah

Maid: I....(mouth open)

Princess: I even did my best to kill it before it ever came out of me, I smoked like a chimney and drank day in and day out, by all rights I should have died along with the child, but here I am. It was a tough little bastard, but once it was out it went down pretty quick

(Maid makes noise)

Princess: I never wanted to carry a child, and especially not one that belongs to a being that I don’t even believe in. And close your mouth, its obscene.

(Maid closes mouth)

Princess: and If I had kept the child, it would have been non stop press and worshipers and god knows what else day in and day out. It would have really been a bother.

(Female jesus ghost enters from dumpster area)

FJG: I think I need to interject here.

Princess: Who the hell are you

FJG: I am your daughter, implanted in you by the lord, implanted in a dumpster by you.
I really got the shaft both times, it would seem.

(maid reacts comically)

Princess: great

FJG: do you have any idea how much you screwed things up. We have been basically setting up dominoes for 2000 years and right when we are about to tip over the first one, you barge in like some drunken scientologist, and hit me in the head with a fucking shoe. So thanks a lot, dick.

Princess: I think this is all getting over blown. After all, the whole religion is just borrowed from bits and pieces of various predecessors and worked into a calendar that was easy for the pagans to wrap their heads around.

FJG: Its an odd feeling having your own spiritual validity disputed right to your face, let alone your very existence.

Princess: Well I just don’t believe in all of this, what can I say

FJG: which part do you not believe in. You are a virgin, you had a child, and I, an apparition of the holy spirit, am in front of you talking directly to you. Most people would consider this enough proof

Princess: I’m not convinced

FJG: you know it wasn’t even my idea to go with you, there were a lot of other candidates on the table

Princess: so why me then

FJG: we hired a guy from hell to pick, boy did we learn our lesson about outsourcing.

Princess: This sounds like quite an operation you people have running up there.

FJG: quiet, smart-ass.

Princess: do you know who you are talking to?

FJG: you are impossible

Maid: I always thought so

Princess and FJG together: SHUT UP!

Princess: suppose for a minute that all this is true...(cut off)

FJG: stop right there

Princess: What?

FJG: I know what your going to do and I cant let you.

Princess: and what is that?

FJG: if you say what you were going to say then you will negate all existence

Princess: and this is information that you offer up willingly

FJG: oh shit

(Maid becomes possessed)

Maid: jesus, are you fucking this up

FJG: dad, is that you?

Maid: I cant even trust you to execute a simple second coming.

FJG: I’m doing my best, but she really is impossible

Maid: I know, I’m about ready to wash my hands of this whole situation and start new.

FJG: but that will take forever.

Maid: I know, I know, but its quickly becoming our only option, if this goes much farther and she finishes her thought, it will be lights out for everything, not just this planet, but you and I will be finished as well, then there’s nothing, no sentient thought or even a single atom left anywhere because there wont be anywhere left for one to exist.

FJG: (to princess) is any of this getting through to you?

Princess: I wont claim to know what’s going on here, but I know I’m not talking to God and Jesus in this alley

FJG: (to maid) you see what I mean?

Maid: Yeah

FJG: Can we kill her?

Maid: Of course we can, we killed off the dinosaurs when they got too rowdy, she shouldn’t be a problem at all.

Princess: well bring it then, I’m not afraid of a pair of overblown fairy-tale wizards.

Maid: oh you are so pushing it

Princess: Face it, you cant do a thing. Your more worthless than david bowie was in “The Labyrinth.” I have half a mind to negate all of existence right now just so I don’t have to listen to any more of this.

Maid and FJG: NO!

Princess: Well it seems to me its either us humans that go or everything everywhere in every dimension.

FJG: oh we don’t deal in other dimensions

Maid: Yeah, those places are WEIRD

FJG: ok, look, I’m sure we can work something out if we all just stay reasonable.

Princess: I think we passed reasonable long ago

Maid: let me explain something, you see (becomes serene) when you look around at the trees and gaze up at the clouds, your seeing me, my presence is felt in the breeze and flowers and in works of art all around the world....(cut off)

Princess: ok I’m tired of this, if all of existence is based on the fact that you are infallible then the fact that your plan is so obviously full of holes means that all of this is bullshit, so there I said it

Maid and FJG: oh shi-

(end)