Spaced out Daydreams

​​1. If the NRA’s logic were true.

As the NRA argument goes, “when more people have guns, the world will be safer for everyone”

has been demonstrated to be overwhelmingly true.  Thanks to the decisive success of gun sales,

there hasn’t been a single shooting incident since Columbine.

“My son was in bad shape.  He was 16 years old and already in a gang.  He had been charged

repeatedly for all sorts of violent and brutal crimes, as well as drug dealing.  Then I bought him a

gun for his 17th birthday and I saw his character completely change.  He started actually showing

up at school, he made A’s and he became an outstanding member of the community and regularly

attends church.  Now every time he does such an outstanding deed such as bring home A’s on his

report card or volunteer to a non-profit, I buy him more ammunition as an incentive.” A 38 year

old mother from Detroit, Michigan writes.

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“Los Angeles used to be a violent hateful mess.  But with gun sales increasing so much, it’s

now one of the safest, cleanest cities in the US.  The abundance of guns have completely

reduced gang violence and racial tensions, my only concern now is the youth are growing up too

soft.  Back in my day you at least sort of knew how to fight.  The kids in LA all hide behind their

books and good grades, I don’t know what would happen if suddenly they moved to a violent

city like Seattle where nowhere near as much of the population owns a gun.” the concerned

mayor of Los Angeles wrote.

2.  Statistics

1. Seattle exports more coffee, grunge rock, and rain than anywhere else in the country.

2. 95% of victims in horror movies are white, blonde females between the ages of 18 to 32.

3. Male gym membership enrollment has increased by 20% in conjunction with the rise of Linkin Park,

Nine Inch Nails, and industrial rock in general.

4. James Bond, Austin Powers and Mick Jagger have ensured it is 10 times more likely for a British

man to hook up with an American woman than the other way around.

5. Planned Parenthood has found that a World of Warcraft account, a lifetime supply of Doritos and a

Playboy subscription to be by far the most effective form of birth control.

6.  99% of people who say “life is not about the money” are people who have never been without it.

7.  The Kool-Aid man, rappers, pop stars and (Italian) gangsters are the leading exporters

of the phrase ‘oh yeah’.

8. At least 60% of swearing amongst males between the ages of 15-30 are directly related to

Call of Duty, missed field goal attempts, and alarm clocks.

9. Americans gain more weight on Thanksgiving than any other day. Even less surprising,

Americans lose more weight on Black Friday than any other day.

10. As of 2015, 95% of passengers on Malaysian Airlines are clinically insane.

3.  How I saw myself

My senior year of high-school we had to write a paper in English class describing how we saw

ourselves in 10 years, from a third person perspective.  This is what I wrote:

Nick takes “one in a million” to an entirely new level.  Between his mega-successful rock band

that has churned out so many hits they make Taylor Swift look obscure, his enormous success

as an actor winning the academy awards in almost every category every year, and his career

as an NFL quarterback bringing the Seattle Seahawks to the superbowl for as long as he’s

been part of the team, it’s a wonder how he has any time to sleep, let alone anything else.

Every single song from every album he’s released has not only been number one on the charts,

but continues to stay up there year after year.  With over 100 songs in his repertoire, now the

“Hot 100” literally only plays his songs.

He is featured as the lead role in every single major motion picture.  A few years ago they tried a movie

with someone else as the lead, but there were violent protests and threats to boycott the

studio, so they quickly gave it back to him.  And his career as the Seahawks quarterback-

good god. This is his tenth year into the league and as of right now he has 0 interceptions,

0 fumbles, 0 sacks, and a functionally pass completion rate of 98%.  He averages 65 yards

per throw.

The NFL is now considering banning him from playing, because the Seahawks winning the

super bowl has become painfully predictable, with viewership ratings declining to all-time

lows.

What is absolutely stunning is how this just suddenly happened.  He made mediocre

grades, he didn’t show any particular aptitude for the arts or athletic ability, and he didn’t

even stand out in the community of his small town bum-fuck nowhere.  Now he’s more

famous than God.

It seemed all he did in high school was play video games and watch funny cat videos on

Youtube.  Who would have guessed how well-prepared he was?

He has broken every single Guinness World Record, except for the

‘gross’ ones such as “most diarrhea a human could produce in one day.”  And he breaks

his old records every consecutive year.

Have you seen those cheesy deodorant/cologne commercials with sexy women following a

man?  Imagine that times a million and you’ve got Nick.  He can’t even go outside without

getting gang raped by super models.  And none of them are on birth control, presumably

because they want his children.  He has LOTS of children, by the way.

I am a motivational speaker who regularly tells people “you can do anything you set your

mind to”, but that’s mostly feel-good baloney.  But in Nicks case, it’s true time and time

again.

I bet all those girls who ignored him in high school and the teachers that didn’t believe in

him, are totally sorry now.

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I made an F on this paper, by the way.

4.  X is like Y

1.  Asking someone whose had psychotic breakdowns if they’ve seen A Beautiful Mind is

like asking a fat guy if he’s seen Supersize Me.

2.  Asking someone from Mongolia if they’re proud of Genghis Khan is like asking someone

from Germany if they’re proud of Hitler. (Although, despite this being the truth, they’ll both

typically give you a completely different answer)

3.  Going to McDonald’s and ordering the salad is like going to Subway and ordering the

1000 calorie Philly Cheese Steak.

4.  Valedictorians that cheated their way to the top of the class are like famous pop singers

using Auto-tune and have someone else write their songs.

5.  All these wars we’re having throughout the Middle East is like having unprotected sex.

We have to pull out while we still can. (perhaps we’ve already had a baby. He goes by the name of ISIS)

6.  Going to a top ranked, Ivy League institution such as Princeton to get a degree in

‘Getting Dressed’ (yes, they offer such a thing) is like hiring Ozzy Ozbourne for private one on

one lessons in overcoming drug addictions.

7.  Winning the lottery and then wasting it all in Vegas is like having enormous success with a

G rated, family-values comedy show/routine only to be found out you’ve raped countless women.

(There has been so many examples of hypocritical behavior like this in recent years, I

was saddened that I had to promise my editor to only use one of them. Almost 50% of this

book could have been nothing but this.)

8.  Trusting Josh Duggar to be a pro family values man who would never sexually cheat on his wife is

like trusting me to keep promises to you or my editor.

9.  Tom Brady getting another Super Bowl ring is like FDR getting another presidential term.

They’ve both already had 4, they both have been involved in ‘Spygate’ and other controversies,

and they both have bandwagon fans from people in geographical areas which typically would not

support someone of their franchise.

10.  Saying that sitting around playing Call of Duty will help you for the military is like saying

watching Jim Cramer prepares you to be a financial advisor.

5.  Regional literature

Youngins’, I will tell you a story. I’m shaking my cane, scratching my grey/bald head.

It was the year of 57’, the year of the Good Ol’ boy. First, there were some bad ol’ boys with

their fancy cars and their radios a blastin’. The women were all starting to be attracted to the

bad ol’ boys until one day there was this good ol’ boy. He pulled out his ‘coustic geetar and

sang “Oh my darling” ‘round the campfire, and we had a good ol’ time! Then we went fishin’

and smoked a few joints.

6.  Murky waters

Woman: “Even though they’re not my parents, they’re still my relatives, which means they could

one day be your in-laws. Try not to upset them, ok?”

Man (whose name is Derek): “Of course.”

*they knock at the door*

Man answers the door. “How are you two? We’re so glad you could make it! We’re both feeling

kind of sick but that’s ok, we’re just happy to see you.”

Woman: “I’m really sorry that you guys are sick, and thanks for having us. This is my boyfriend Derek.

I’m glad you’re finally meeting him.”

Derek: “Wow. I’ve never seen this many bottled waters in someones house before. I mean

that as a compliment as it’s good for you though.”

Man: “Thanks. We only drink bottled water because our water comes out of the sewage.

I know filtering supposedly cleans it, but we’re not going to take any chances.”

Derek: “Wait. Are you guys saying you don’t filter your water?”

Woman: “No, we don’t even bother. We never drink water from our tap anyway so it doesn’t matter.”

Derek: “Yes it does.”

Man: “How so?”

Derek: “Have you ever used water to rinse your mouth?”

Man and woman together: *jaw drops and their mouths open*

Derek: “And sir, have you ever used water to wet your face while shaving?”

Man: “Please stop. I think I’m going to throw up.”

Derek: “It’s ok. I’ll cheer you up with a fun fact. Did you know that you two have taken many

showers, possibly together that could have very well had my piss in it? That’s disgusting!

And you said that you and your wife are feeling sick?”

Man and woman: *throws up*

7. Harry Potter Fan Fiction

Hermione: “There is something seriously amazing we could do.”

Harry: “Like what, Voldemort has already been defeated.”

Hermione: “Voldemort pales in comparison to this. Honestly I’m shocked he hasn’t done this himself.”

One week later, Hermione, Ron, and Harry had purchased plane tickets to Las Vegas,

and arrived promptly there.

They went to the Excalibur casino, presumably because it’s the most similar Vegas theme to Hogwarts.

After searching, they found a machine that had in big, bold letters, ‘one million dollar payout’.

Hermione, underneath the invisibility cloak, cast a spell on the machine and soon enough it paid

out the maximum possible, while Harry stood next to it.

Casino attendant: “Congrats sir, you’ve won the million dollar jackpot!”

*Some time later.*

Ron: “Doesn’t the ministry of magic forbid us from using spells in the muggle world?”  What if they

excommunicate us from the magical community?” he said in a concerned tone of voice.

Hermione: “Who gives a shit. We’re gonna bankrupt Vegas and walk out rich as hell.”

8.  In this day and age…

1. You can pay 8 bucks a month for a Netflix subscription which will provide you with a month of

entertainment in the privacy of your cozy home. You can also go to a movie theater and pay

8 bucks for Friday night tickets which will only last 2 hours. Alternatively, you can visit your local strip

club and pay 20 dollars for a 5 minute lap dance. (my editor complained that this sounds too much

like a Netflix ad to be an actual joke, but I argued it could be an ad to become a stripper just as easily).

2. Both the government and private corporations keep track of people’s personal information,

watching them as aggressively as possible with every sophisticated tool known to man.

However, with millions of dollars and people watching on the line, the

NFL only reviews plays in the final 2 minutes in each half, otherwise it is

up to the coach to challenge.

3. You are statistically more likely to win the lottery than to find someone in the Youtube

comments section who thinks they were “born in the wrong generation” for any reason

other than they don’t like the music of Justin Bieber and a handful of other pop stars.

4. It is illegal to organize a peaceful political protest without a permit or else it is

considered ‘disruption of the peace’, but legal to blast sexually explicit (and often terrible)

music while in heavy traffic at ear-splitting volumes.

5. Vocal members of the Christian community are not offended that the birthday of their

savior has been completely commercialized into materialistic gifts and greed. They are

however, offended that the big-brand stores responsible for this tend to just say “Happy Holidays”,

rather than use the name of their savior’s birthday hypocritically, which is what they would

actually prefer.

6. The people who complain the most about how much they hate Wal-Mart, are also

the most likely to shop there on a regular basis.

7.  The people with the nicest shoes and most expensive pair of headphones are

statistically most likely to live in poverty.

8.  At any given concert, the people with the most amount of money (old rich men) fill up

the back (if they even go out at all) and the people with the least money (college kids) fill

up the expensive front row seats.

9. The people with the best lives and least stressful jobs (rockstars, famous writers,

entertainers, etc) are also the most likely to suffer from a dependency to illegal drugs.

10. Ancient religions which have been respected for thousands of years are considered

stupid superstition by many people, but believing you can alter the course of a football

game by yelling at the TV is not.

9. How I thought I was being impressive throughout my late teens/early 20’s.

“I would like a job working for your company, as a game developer.”

“So what is your game developer experience?  Or do you have a computer related degree?”

“I don’t have either one.  On the other hand I’ve beat all Halo releases on Legendary mode.

I can get 95% on “Through the Fire and Flames” on expert mode in Guitar Hero.  I can

usually beat the A.I. on Madden, even on the All-Madden setting.”

“Oh my God.  That is so unbelievable.  We have got to have someone like you.”

“Oh, I’m just getting started.  The only reason I almost flunked out of college is that besides playing

games,  I have watched tons of music videos on Youtube,  which gives me a musical background.

I could put together some bad-ass mixed tapes to go along with each game.  All you have to do is

get the artists permission, and bam.  Soundtrack taken care of.”

“It is almost impossible to get lots of artists permission to use their songs in games, otherwise it

would already happen much more often.  Although that is irrelevant, with the kind of musical

credentials you’re talking about, we wouldn’t need anyone else’s permission for the soundtrack.

Someone as experienced as you could just compose the songs yourself.  I’m honestly shocked you’re

not already a rock star.”

“Thanks, but that’s not all.  I am also really creative, so maybe I could work on a video games’

story line or something.  While it’s technically true I have no actual material whatsoever to

show for it, my mom says I can do it.”

“Mommas are never wrong, son.”