Spaced out Daydreams part 2

10. The best years of my life.

It is said that when a person is in their late teens/early 20’s, those are the best years of their life.

Definitely true in my case, here is my story:

After saving up a modest amount of money after working my first job, I decided to open up a bank

account and credit card account. With that, I suddenly got all kinds of street cred I never got before.

I never knew being an adult would be so lucrative and rewarding.

To: Nick

From: frankoorders1521comp@gmail.com

Title: I want to take you home TONIGHT, babe

“You look super sexy boy and I want to take you home TONIGHT. As you can see in this enclosed

pic I am super hot, and super wet just for you. I totally want to have your children, and I want

you to do me over and over and over for the next month until my pussy can’t take it anymore.

I also want to pay YOU for fucking the shit out of me, and I want to pay you in ADVANCE.

I will pay you 10 million dollars. Please give me all your bank account information so it will be

easy for me to pay you, then we talk about our GOOD TIMES.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————-

I gave her my bank account information and I didn’t get any money, and I wondered why.

A few days later my bank contacted me for “fraudulent activity” and informed me that

“everything is ok”, but they had “frozen my account”. I told them they were idiots and as a

result of their actions I didn’t get paid by a sexy woman who wanted to bang me, and I

showed them this email as proof. They rolled their eyes and said I was the real idiot, and

this is something I never really forgave them for.  To make matters worse, they made me sign a

legally binding contract forcing me to never share any of my information with people again, or else

I would lose the ability to bank with them.  There has been countless generous people since that

time (especially Nigerian Prince’s) but there’s nothing I can do anymore.

11. Choose your profession

1. Do you like to argue?

Good student: Lawyer

Mediocre student: Police Officer

Bad student: Telemarketer

2. Are you religious?

Very devout: holy monk, isolated from society, living off bread crumbs and water

Somewhat devout: preacher of a respectable church

Hardly devout at all, and would sell your soul to the devil to scam people: Televangelist

3. Do you like acting?

Good actor: Movie Star

Average actor: Landing roles in small-town plays

Bad actor: Retail

4. Are you interested in helping people with their sexuality?

Highly value money: Stripper/prostitute/porn actor

Moderately value money: Sex education teacher

Lowly value money: Articulate and well-read sexual philosopher with both a bachelors

and masters degree in women’s studies

5. Do you want to be a musician?

Highly value money: pop singer with repetitive lyrics and minimalist electronic beats

Moderately value money: experimental/alternative band with funky chords and unique lyrics

Lowly value money: classical music composer with songs meant to be played by a 60 piece

symphony orchestra

6. Do you want to do something that requires you to analyze, predict and handle money?

Good student: MBA from Harvard working for Goldman Sachs

Mediocre student: Loan Counselor

Bad Student:  Pimp

7. Do you want a job that works with dogs?

Good student: Veterinarian

Mediocre student: Government official involved in drug busts

Bad student: Mailman

8. Do you want a job that deals with digging bones?

Highly value money: Hitman

Moderately value money: Forensics expert on a law enforcement team

Lowly value money: Archaeologist (like you’ll even get a job after graduating)

9. Do you want a job that involves flying?

Realistic: Pilot of Commercial Jet

Less realistic: Astronaut

Fantasy: Superman

10. Do you want a job that involves scamming people?

Well educated: Banker

Moderately educated: Car salesman

Poorly educated: Fortune Teller

12. Dream crushers

Dear Nick,

We regret to inform you (for hopefully the last time) that you did not make the cut for the

2005 Seattle Seahawks team.  Beyond how absurd it is to put a 13 year old on the team,

your entire premise (that you have the same football cleats Joe Montana had as a child,

which makes you as good as him) is not only absolutely unbelievable, but it’s obviously

plagiarized straight out of Like Mike.

Your “talent” video depicting you achieving things such as throwing a ball for 200 yards which

you successfully caught yourself by running up to it was doctored. In another video you knock

down a bunch of other teenagers trying to tackle you. Although not only is that irrelevant

because you will be facing much tougher opposition in the NFL, but they were falling down

slightly before you even bumped into them, meaning they were (bad) actors you probably paid.

Our advise to you is to start by playing for your middle school, but our records indicate you are

not on the team. Which means either you think you’re too good to go through the same

process as everyone else, or they simply didn’t want you. We don’t want you either. You have

sent literally over 500 letters to us, many of which you whine like the child you probably are,

and you make claims we’d easily bet our lives aren’t true.  However, your letters are so

exaggerated and ridiculous, we often find them hilarious. Perhaps someone like yourself

should not be a Seahawk, but instead be a comedy writer.

13. How ignorant people from Muslim countries and ignorant people from western

countries view each other.

“It is unbelievable how sexually liberated we are in the west. You can go up to any

person, anywhere, and they will have sex with you. People even have sex in public. It is especially

fun to force a Muslim have sex with an infidel.”

“Yep, isn’t it great? By the way I’ve committed adultery so many times I’ve lost count.”

“Well that’s not much of a surprise.  Personally, everyone I know has committed adultery at

least 10 times.”

“Even better, since gay marriage is legal in so many western countries like the great USA, we have a

majority gay population. F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S.”

“Yeah. The only downside is with almost everyone being gay is there won’t be enough babies

naturally born to replace the dead. The good news is with our western pagan ways and

black Wiccan magic that everyone practices, we can bring the dead back to life.”

“Yep, we have to cast some Harry Potter spells that involve burning 69 Qurans per

bewitchment, and boom. We bring the gay dead man back to life.”

“Sorry to cut this conversation short but I have to go. They’re having another naked

stampede around Times Square in 20 minutes, and all the taxi drivers in town won’t take

you anywhere without a 30 minute blowjob. I’m gonna be late.”

————————————————————————————————————————————————————

“As-salam alaykom, Hassad”

“As-salam alaykom to you as well, brother. Death to America, and death to Israel”.

“God bless your soul for speaking the truth like a good Muslim.”

“There are a few so-called moderate Muslims who disagree with us, but 99.9% of our fellow

Muslims all over the Middle East agree with us.”

“With over one billion Muslims in the world committing terrorism every day, it’s a wonder how

most Muslim countries even maintain order, let alone agree to give our oil to western countries.”

“It’s almost as if only a tiny fraction of us actually engage in terrorism, but those stories are

always milked dry, especially by right wing sources such as Fox news.”

“Viewers of things like Fox or Pat Robertson are the only type of Americans who understand

the truth about our religion, brother.”

“The liberal Jews who control the media cover it up, because they want the Zionist movement

to look stronger than ours.”

“The Jews have taken so much from us, but as long as I’m still allowed to beat my second

wife and marry a five year old who is essentially my slave, I can still have a happy, meaningful life.”

14. What women think of men who drink beer, based on the TV commercials I’ve seen.

“That guy looks so dull. I mean all he’s doing is just sitting there, reading a book. Wait a minute…

Is he drinking a Bud light?”

“Oh my God, he is. That makes him so sexy. I totally want to be all over him.”

“You can’t claim him though, I already want him.”

“That’s fine. I see another dude drinking a Coors light, which is better anyway.”

“Nope. The Bud Light men are sexier, because they know how to ride a horse.”

“I would easily trade the ability to ride a horse with a confident man from Colorado who can

teach me to snow-ski, while holding a beer straight from the Rockies.”

“Well I suppose it doesn’t make much difference. Men are much more fun as long as they drink.

They sound more intelligent and tell funnier jokes. I can’t keep my hands off

any man whose had a few generic, inexpensive beers like Budweiser or Coors. Remember,

the reason they have to advertise so much is because they’re so good, most people think

you’re cheating at life by drinking them, which isn’t fair to everyone else.”

“Yeah, the rich people who keep drinking much more expensive wine, or worse yet, the

people that don’t drink alcohol at all are so unattractive, and they keep getting cheated.”

15. Tough love

Teary eyed, the man looked at his only child.

“Son, know that I will continue to love you. Whether you happen to be gay or not makes

absolutely no difference to me.”

“Where the hell did you get that idea from? The big news is that I’m dropping out of law

school because I want to go into porn acting.  Don’t worry, I’m only working with female actresses.

Dad, I’m gonna get a ton of pussy AND get paid for it!”

“Fuck you, you are a complete disgrace and I am removing you from my name.” he growled

and pimp slapped him.

16. Questions answered.

1. What did the prostitute say to Bill Clinton, no matter what time of year?

Trick or Treat

2. How do you achieve Nirvana?

There’s no point in making a joke here. Given how much I’ve talked about Seattle already,

you saw this one coming from miles away. Don’t lie.

3. Can 1+1 be 3?

Yes. It’s called sex.

4. What is the best pickup line of a male medical student?

I’m not trying to brag but my dick is kind of like medical school. It’s really long and really hard.

5. What do you call a lot of talented movie stars battling tirelessly to get a role in a highly

anticipated film, but almost none of them do?

(movie) Star(s) Wars

6. What would it be called it NASCAR and Formula 1 merged?

Inter-racial marriage.

7. Considering America has horrible obesity rates but still manages to have god-like

athletes in unbelievable shape, which country is the opposite?

Japan. The country where ordinary people are eating fish, walking and riding bikes.

But their athletes are 600 pound Sumo wrestlers.

8. Who are childish people who don’t apply themselves, can’t accomplish anything, and

often can’t stay in their seats?

Senators

9. Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars is most famous for his line ‘It’s a Trap’ in a space battle

scene. But what did he almost say instead when he realized it’s a suicide mission, but was

removed after the advice of the film’s legal defense team?

Allahu Akbar!

10. What if God was one of us?

He would probably be Lindsey Lohan (or someone like her) given she’s very well-known

but no one has actually seen her in a long time, people pray to her to no avail, and

she’s had a lot of natural disasters.

17. The War on Christmas

In the ever-going war between the Merry Christmas alliance and the

Happy Holidays confederation there arose a decisive moment that sacred

Black Friday as the 12th infantry division of the Holy Crusaders had

intercepted the 15th cavalry regiment of the multicultural Happy

Heatseakers.

In a brave act of courage, the Holy Crusaders rescued Santa Claus from

alpha bunker bravo muchacho where he’d been held hostage. Intent on

extracting revenge, the Happy Heatseakers deployed their ground infantry

troops, sales representatives of Macy’s. After the initial assault had

failed they realized an aerial bombardment was necessary, so the 69th

sexy Starbucks division flew from above, scorching the Holy Warriors with

their burning caffeine and blistering red cups.

Realizing they were doomed, the Holy Warriors gave up their men to

slavery where they would be forced to say happy holidays, shop at Macy’s,

and watch Michael Moore documentaries so the women and children could

escape out the fort’s back entrance, only to be captured by the

Hanukkah Hipsters.

 18.  Agnostics

“In God’s righteousness we shall prevail!” the general triumphantly said.

“May God bless our souls and our troops… if he exists.  Otherwise we’re

basically screwed.”

————————————————————–

“Can I get an A-men from the congregation?  An A-men for the 50/50

probability that God exists!”

————————————————————–

“God Bless you” the woman ringing the Salvation Army kettle said on

instinct when the young man put in several hundred dollar bills.  “But.”

she continued feeling too guilty, “On the possibility that he doesn’t

exist, you could have at least got a tax deduction out of that by donating on

record.”

19.  Sex education (based on Tumblr blogs):

A man is a rapist if:

1.  He listens to FutureSex/LoveSound by Justin Timberlake or any other song from the

album of the same name.

2.  He tries to sexually approach a female while she’s on her period.

3.  He eats lunch at Hooters.

4.  He is in a yoga class and is the only male there (what do you think is the real reason for

his attendance?)

5.  He plays online video games such as Call of Duty and ‘teabags’ his opponents.

6.  He reads Playboy ‘for the articles’.

7.  He has a beard (if he’s Muslim, that’s even worse).

8.  He makes more money per year than the average female, and takes advantage of it by

buying women gifts so they will feel the need to sleep with him.

9.  He is a Bass guitarist in a rock band. (he’s tired of everybody else getting laid so he

finally snaps)

10.  He makes loud grunts while exercising at a gym facility just to get a reaction out of

nearby females.