The Gam

I was woken by the sound of the emergency alarm. I leapt out of bed and rushed to my station, not even pausing to change out of my night gubbins.

 

The emergency alarm could mean only one thing: another ship had been spotted. It was a rare enough occurrence; The Space Donkey had been travelling for a decade without encountering anyone, but we all knew what to do, we’d done the drill a thousand times. In these situations every nanosecond counts, if the ship is hostile, the decision to run away, attack, or take evasive action has to be made immediately. The consequences of failing to escape a hostile ship could be instant vaporisation, or something worse, something only a twisted alien mind could devise.

 

I reached my station in record time, and began authorising the launches in my section. I shared responsibility for releasing the satellites and probes. When a distant craft is sighted, obtaining a 3-D image is essential, but with no time to send a satellite or probe any distance, the only way of obtaining an accurate visual is to release everything we have, and combine the images to get an accurate(ish) image.

 

In the flight deck the captain was busy barking import-sounding orders, but actually they weren’t needed, below deck the crew functioned automatically, as efficiently as drones.  

 

The next five minutes were the most tense in my life. It takes 1.57 minutes to dispatch all of the satellites, followed by the wait for them to reach a sufficient  distance to give us an accurate picture of the alien ship. And that wait, just two or three minutes, was almost unbearable, as I was essentially waiting to hear whether we would live or die.

 

There are killer ships out there in the universe, craft about which we know nothing, only that every encounter with them has resulted in the slaughter of an entire ship and crew. They have nicknames: The Knobblers, the WhizzBangs and the Jadeds, but these are all based on the shape and sound of the ship, or their methods of attack, we know nothing about the species inside. They might be giant, evil, interstellar ducks for all we know. If the ship was identified as a WhizzBang or Knobbler we would die in a matter of minutes, no matter what action the captain took.

 

Suddenly the alert stopped. The warning lights turn green. The ship has been identified, it was alien, but a friendly alien. I start breathing again. I hadn’t even noticed I’d stopped. The cheers could be heard through every level of the ship, it was Christmas and Chip Butty Day all come at once.

 

Then, even better news. The captain issued a ship-wide message to the crew. He informed us that the danger is over, and that the ship has been identified as a Tanglesnack vessel, that they have contacted the Tanglesnack ship, who have invited our crew to visit.

 

Loud cheers could be heard echoing through the ship, as if it has just been announced that every day would be Chip Butty Day.

 

A visit to the Tanglesnacker ship meant a Tanglesnacker party, and Tanglesnacker parties are, quite simply, the best in the universe.

 

Tanglesnackers are a hyper-intelligent, carnivorous plant, originally from a distant galaxy, but slowly spreading their tentacles across the universe. They’re sometimes called Triffids, as they’re meat-eating, moving, intelligent plants, as copyrighted by John Wyndham. Tanglesnackers are very different though (copyright Old Square). They’re a type of vine, all tentacles, which they manipulate like limbs. Their prey has no chance, cuddled to death by a hundred strangling arms. 

 

Of course, the Tanglesnackers are highly evolved. They have an immense brain, and the combination of intelligence and manipulable limbline tentacles, makes them as mobile, flexible and creative as mankind. Moreso, a thousand times moreso. They don’t just use their viney tentacles to move around, they use them to build and operate complex machinery. The Tanglesnack ship is technically and technologically superior to ours, capable of warping and worming through time and space.

 

Unlike humans, their interests in exploring space are entirely mercenary; they are seeking out suitable available planets to take over, somewhere new to take root.

 

However, they don’t see humans and our like as rivals or enemies. They treat us as equals, more than that in fact, they treat us as special guests. A gam on a Tanglesnacker ship is one of the greatest treats an interstellar will enjoy in their lifetime.

 

It may seem strange to claim that partying with plants is the highlight of a lifetime, but Tanglesnackers aren’t just any plant, they’re masters of biology. With just a few small human samples they were able to identify combinations of plants and bio-products that would cure diseases, improve skin texture, reduce hairloss and a thousand other holistic interventions that benefited mankind. One encounter with the Tanglesnackers advanced human medicine by 100,000 years.

 

More importantly, however, they are also masters of hallucinogenics, and can find the perfect combination of drugs for any species to relax, let their hair down, and have a really great time.

 

Though Tanglesnackers are carnivorous, they show the highest possible respect for intelligent meat-based species, and have demonstrated nothing but kindness to humans whenever they have encountered them. With their superior technology, dangerous tentacles, not to mention their mastery of drugs, they could easy capture and keep every one of us for food. As a thank-you, then, Earth ships have always left behind one of their crew after a party, for the Tanglesnackers to feast on. It is a small price to pay to keep the Tanglesnackers friendly.   

 

After retrieving the satellites and probes I returned to my quarters, showered and changed and made ready for the party.

 

The party is hard to describe in mere words. The Tanglesnackers provide a range of drugs that titillate every sensory organ. More targeted than the hits-all effects of alcohol and human drugs, Tanglesnacers bio-drug-mix tweaks and nudges our brains towards total exhilaration, with none of the unpleasant side-effects.

 

Sex is a key part of the enjoyment. Luckily the Space Donkey is a mixed crew, so we were able to enjoy benefits. The drugs enhance sexuality a thousand fold, removing all inhibitions, increasing the intensity of the experience and even enhancing performance.

 

After a short period of pleasantries, dancing and relaxed conversation, the party quickly descended into a veritable orgy.

 

After ten years stuck on a drab merchant mission it was an incredible experience. All inhibitions were cast aside and suddenly you were making wild love to that crew member you’d smiled at a couple of times in the lift. And her sister. And that other crew member, who you may or may not have seen before.

 

As well as reducing inhibitions, the Tanglesnacker drug package had the added benefit of enhancing performance. Five, six, seven, I lost count of the number of times I made love. Faces also became a blur after the third or fourth woman. I just let my body do what it needed to do, while around me every other member of the crew was doing exactly the same thing.

 

I woke up with a hazy memory, but no hangover. I realised that I wasn’t in my own bed, in fact I wasn’t in any bed, I was in a plant-based  makeshift bed, the one I'd been making love on all night. 

 

I was still on the Tangelsnacker ship.  I looked around, there was nobody else here. Had they forgotten me? I guess, with all the crazy sex and drugs, it was easy to get distracted.

 

I search around the room I was in. There was a screen, and although it was clearly designed for plants, I managed to get it to show the outside view. The Space Donkey wasn’t anywhere in sight. They'd left without me. I was stuck on an alien ship.

 

Still, at least it was a Tanglesnacker ship, I thought, they could feed me, fill me with mind-bending drugs and keep me happy. Plus, of course, with their technology they’d have no problem tracking and catching up with the Space Donkey. No, I reckoned, I just have a couple of extra days of mind-bending drugs before rejoining my crew. Worst things have happened.

 

I looked around, to see whether there were any Tanglesnackers I could ask for help, but I could make out so much as a leaf. I tried the door, but it was locked, or maybe I simply lacked the tenticality to open it.

 

I tried to raise the alarm via the screen, but couldn’t get it to do anything. With no other option I simply sat down and waited to be discovered. I must have dropped off, fallen asleep, because it was only in my dreams that I managed to remember a very important fact, as if it had been deliberately wiped from my waking mind by some carefully-targeted drug.

 

‘Earth ships have always left behind one of their crew after a party, for the Tanglesnackers to feast on.’

 

I woke with a start. The first thing I saw was the tentacle on my knee.