Squash is in Season

"Have a happy Halloween!"

"Don't tell me how to live my life," I said. "Cheeky prick."

He scuttled off back to his cheeky prick parents stood waiting at the pavement. I could still see his glow-in-the-dark skeleton outfit. Each of them was glaring at me. The prick parents, their prick kid, and his prick fucking costume.

"You glare at me I'll glare right fucking back at you," I thought. "Fascists."

My fingers twitched, aching to punch through the living room wall to grab my phone and delete 'Monster Mash' from the birthday playlist. That's exactly the kind of day I had had.

"These fucking Samhainers ought to show some respect. My special day. No congratulations nor 'Happy Birthday' messages. I'd take a poke on Facebook at this point...although of course I wouldn't have a child on Facebook. The minimum is half your age plus two. Might've been too harsh on that last one then I suppose. Maybe. Hmm, his cunt parents will make him into a cunt if he isn't one already. He probably is though, I saw those trainers he was wearing that everyone thinks are okay to wear even if they're not doing sports...

...slags.

No remorse. Next one who turns up without a cake is getting sacrificed. On the balls of your feet boyo like the assassins of old."

Someone rang the bell and knocked on the door simultaneously, hands obviously fine-tuned tools constantly held akimbo to ensure round-the-clock attention. My eyes glazed over. My party hat went up in flames. I didn't notice, for nothing burned so bright as the fire I saw before me now. The red mist had descended.

In a flash I caught up the candle bought special for this occasion but not for this purpose, and held it to my burning headgear. It blazed like a mobber's torch. A flash of steel reflected in my eyes as I prepared to send this fucker to the spirit world. My senses peaked. The well-oiled door hinges sounded like nails down a chalkboard. I froze, at first to ready myself to pounce, and then in light of what I saw before me. Across the threshold, arm up against the doorframe and face hidden in the crook of his elbow, was a policemen.

"Look pal, it's hard enough keeping everyone safe tonight without you scaring childr-" he stopped short as he raised his head, taking me in. The sole witness to Hell risen. Instinct kicked in. It was primal and glorious, pure testosterone squirting all around.

"You won't take me...not on my special day," I snarled, hurtling through the door past him.

I heard him call, "Oi, what the fuck?", and was pleased at his obvious confusion as to my identity. As I squatted amongst the pumpkins and the squashes, I felt confident that he saw nothing but a burning party hat flying into the blackness, and that the produce surrounding me would furnish a brilliantly warming soup.