A short tale about old people

Claude and Charles, the neighbours
Have bought a camper van
It's got a mini ironing board
And a Teflon frying pan
It's full of Brooke Bond PG Tips
And Heinz Tomato Soup
There's a sticker on the windscreen
'The British Leyland Group'

A bungalow with wheels on
A claustrophobic billet
There's not much room to swing a rat
But just enough to kill it
Though this is not an obstacle
To Claude and Charles who might
Be very short on elbow room
But very short in height

There's a cream Formica worktop
With a strip of teak veneer
And a red metallic kettle
With a whistle they cant hear
There's a sink to wash a thimble in
And a toilet for a midget
Sometimes it's all too much for Charles
A shy, compulsive fidget

Each August when the weather's nice
They back it down the drive
And spend an edgy fortnight
On the M25
They drive around in circles
Occasionally they stop
To sit on stripy folding chairs
and brew up for a drop

There's a camper van Society
And endless trips to plan
Who send Claude lots of stickers
'I Love My Camper Van'
There's a mass communal brew up
At the Camper Van Convention
With lots of bright blue Primus Stoves
That clamour for attention

And sometimes in the winter months
When the season's over
They hunch around the coal effect
And plan new routes to Dover
Old Claude and Charles are warm as toast
And quiet as a mouse
But they stay inside their camper van

And don't go in the house