The Auntie Vera Factor

Josiah Oakshott sat at his desk and moodily twirled a pencil between his fingers.  There was something about the early days of January which, to him, felt like neither one thing nor the other.  The decidedly limited excitement of Christmas and New Year had been and gone, leaving a clutch of dubious presents to be stored somewhere and a collection of empty bottles to be recycled.  The New Year might hold great promise but it was somewhat difficult to discern, if indeed it existed, in the dark, damp days of early January.

If his mood was sombre, it was unlikely to be lifted much by the door bursting open and Archibald Thurble appearing, clutching a cup of tea in one hand and a plate in the other.

“I really do wish you would knock before entering, Archibald” Josiah groaned.

“Yeah, I know Mr. O., only it’s kind of tricky when you haven’t got any hands free” Archibald nodded toward the tea and plate.

“That is a reasonable explanation, I suppose” Josiah conceded, “although it would not have been beyond the wit of man to have put one or other of your items down, would it?”

“Well, yeah, I guess I could of…” Archibald began.

“Could HAVE, Archibald.  We have had this same conversation on numerous occasions now.  There is no conceivable situation in which the words ‘could’ and ‘of’ can be linked.  The term that you are searching for is HAVE, a possessive term relating, in this case, to an option to potentially be carried out in the past.  I accept that the common conjunction of ‘could’ve’ does sound a little like ‘could of’ when used in the vernacular, but that does not make it so!”

Archibald stood and stared, owlishly, at his employer.

“Right” He said, eventually, “only if I’d HAVE put one or other of them down, I’d HAVE had to put them on the floor on account of there being nowhere else and then it’d be odds on that I’d HAVE spilt summat or dropped it and stuff, so I didn’t”

“Well, thank you anyway, Archibald. I am most grateful for the tea and for…whatever this is on the plate” Josiah stared at the offering, suspiciously.

“It’s one of me Nan’s mince pies” Archibald explained, “only it got knocked about a bit in the tin on the way here on account of it being on me handlebars, if you know what I mean?”

“I see.  Well, you must thank her on my behalf”

“I’d wait until you’ve tried it, first” Archibald suggested.

“Well, you can’t really go too far wrong with a…” Josiah began, biting into the roughly assembled pastry, “Goodness! That does have a strong and unusual taste”

“That’s be the gin” Archibald nodded.

“Gin?”

“Yeah, she was going to put brandy in but she couldn’t on account of how she’d drunk it all, so she nicked some of me Mam’s gin”

“It makes for an unusual and, I must say, rather unique flavour” Josiah suggested, diplomatically, placing the remains back on the plate.

“That’s one way of putting it” Archibald agreed, “me Mam said it was like eating tom cats”

“An evocative expression” Josiah said, “I was struggling to think of what it reminded me”

Archibald threw himself into the seat on the opposite side of the desk, uninvited.

“Looks like we’re in another lockdown, then” He observed, gloomily.

“That would appear to be the case, Archibald”

“What I can’t figure out is how come, when everyone’s told to work from home, we’re still here?”

“Well, Archibald, you must appreciate that there are certain occupations which cannot, by their very nature, be performed from home.  The direction and undertaking of funerals would certainly fall into that category”

“Yeah, I s’pose” Archibald conceded, reluctantly, “only it don’t seem right fair”

“I do understand your concern, Archibald and I share it, to a certain extent.  The experience of this pandemic has not been uniform to all occupations and certain professions, such as health workers, care workers and, indeed, ourselves, have been particularly hard hit.  Moreover, those who earn the least but who nevertheless perform vital functions, such as shop workers and those involved in recycling waste, have equally been required to go on performing their duties regardless of the level of risk. ‘Not fair’ is, I think, a reasonable summation of the situation”

“It would be good if you could download them, wouldn’t it?”  Archibald suggested.

“Download who, what?”

“The st…, the deceased” Archibald corrected himself in time.

“You mean in the manner of ‘Star Trek’?  “Beam me up, Scotty” and all that” Josiah chuckled.

“Beam me up who?” Archibald looked puzzled.

“Ah yes, I am, of course, referring to the original series with Captain Kirk and Spock and so on” Josiah explained, blushing slightly, “all of which, I imagine, was somewhat before your time?”

“Yeah, I was thinking more of that ‘Make it so’… bald bloke”

“Captain Jean Luc Picard, I believe.  However, the principle of matter transportation via energy is the same throughout the series.  In that sense, I agree that it would make life considerably easier if transportation could be by that process but I doubt that it would make our working from home any more viable, unless your mother and grandmother would have no objection to your storing cadavers at your house?”  Josiah raised an interrogative eyebrow.

“Yeah, that’s a point” Archibald nodded, “Any road up, it’s not like it’s any quieter ‘cause of this lockdown”

“Hopefully, it may lead to a decline in the number of cases and, as a consequence, deaths but no, I agree, at the moment we seem to be headed in the opposite direction”

“Then there’s this Auntie Vera”

“Auntie Vera?” Josiah looked at his employee, quizzically.

“Yeah, you know, this…” Archibald began.

“No, please don’t trouble yourself to explain, Archibald, I rather enjoy the challenge!” Josiah’s eyes lit up, “now, let me see.  Auntie Vera you said and we were talking, albeit obliquely, about the coronavirus.  Hmmm, well, Auntie Vera could be antiviral…?”

Archibald shook his head.

“Of course not, foolish of me to think so!  Ok, let’s try shifting the words around.  In which case, Auntie Vera could be Vera Auntie, or possibly Vera Aunt, which could be…variant!  You’re talking about the new variant, the new strain of the virus!  Am I right?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said, this Auntie Vera thingy.  I’ve got to say, I don’t like the sound of that!”  Archibald looked suitably sombre.

“It is an unfortunate complication, I quite agree.  My understanding is that it does not make the disease any more potent or destructive but that it does increase the rate of transmission, which makes it much more likely that it will spread rapidly and, therefore, affect a much wider proportion of the population than may have otherwise been the case.”

“It’s a bugger, innit?” Archibald said.

“Perhaps not quite how I would have phrased it but, yes, in general terms, I would have to agree with your conclusion”

“Still, all this yakking won’t get us anywhere, will it?  Shall I take your cup and stuff away?”

“I would be grateful, Archibald” Josiah picked up his cup and plate, with half-eaten mince pie, and passed it across the desk, “perhaps you would be kind enough to convey my thanks to your grandmother?  In the spirit of goodwill, it might not be entirely necessary to mention to her that I didn’t consume all of her baked offering?”

“Secret’s safe with me, Mr. O.” Archibald grinned, “Hey, did you get round to seeing Ms. Knight on Christmas Night?”

“I did indeed, Archibald, and have been most remiss in not thanking you for your kind and insightful advice”

“Oh, give over, Mr. O.” Archibald blushed deeply and scuffed his shoes on the carpet, “just common sense, really”

“Well, it had eluded me, Archibald.”

“Did she like her present?”

“She was most delighted with it, I am pleased to say”

“Have you seen any more of her over the holidays?” Archibald began, then, “I didn’t mean that you’ve seen stuff you shouldn’t have, if you know what I mean!”

“No, I quite understand your meaning, Archibald.  We have been able to converse via one of those video calling applications and I did pop around to her parents’ house on New Year’s Eve to wish her and her family the best for the coming year.”

“Good for you, Mr. O.!” Archibald beamed.

“And you and Ms. Ryder?  Any news on that front?”

“Nah, it’s like I said, she doesn’t want to risk it what with her Mam’s chest, and then there’s her studying and what not”

“I will have to see if I can think of a rationale for you to go over to Cadwallader and Carruthers in the next few days”

“Oh, that would be ace Mr. O.!  Ta very much”

“Leave it with me, Archibald.  Now, we really must be about our duties.”

“Yep!” Archibald confirmed, juggling plate and cup as he headed out of the door, “Oh, one other thing, Mr. O.”

“What would that be, Archibald?” Josiah set down his pen with a sigh.

“Well, despite everything, Happy New Year!”

“Well said, Archibald, and a very Happy New Year to you and yours, too”

You can find a lot more about Josiah and Archibald in their two collections of stories, both just 99p!

A Dubious Undertaking and other stories

Grave Expectations