Burning Love (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 48)

Continued from Episode 47 - 'Pandora's Box'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Episode 1 - Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, have been on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  Now back in the U.K., Samantha has been less than pleased to find she has a number of passengers to transport, over and above the late Sir Lewisham.  Meanwhile, the Detectives have been disappointed to find that the coffin only contains a body and not the contraband they expected.  D.S. Stone has been tasked with obtaining an unmarked Police Car from the local constabulary in the hope that, by continuing to pursue the funeral procession, something, indeed anything, will turn up!:

 

“I just cannot understand why we are being detained in this manner!”  Josiah Oakshott paced the floor in the waiting room of the Customs Hall.  “Everyone else appears to have been processed and allowed to leave quite promptly, and yet here we still are!”

“I tried my best with one of the officials, but all I could get was that they were having problems with the equipment” Chantelle Lace shrugged.

“That may well be the case, and I thank you for enquiring Miss Lace, but it fails to explain why we are, seemingly, the only ones affected!” Josiah rubbed his forehead in an effort to forestall his rapidly gathering headache.  “The only saving grace is that, despite having a tight time schedule, at least Sir Lewisham is to be interred within the family mausoleum.  As a consequence, there should be some, shall we say, ‘wiggle room’, with regard to the timing of the arrival of the deceased.”

“He’s going to be buried, then?” Chantelle asked, hopefully.

“Well, not even that” Josiah shook his head, “the family mausoleum is more akin to a small chapel on the grounds of the estate.  The coffin will be placed in a recess, reserved for that purpose, within the mausoleum”

‘You crafty git, Frankie!’ Chantelle thought to herself, with a smile.

At that moment, the door to the Waiting Room burst open, revealing a less-than-happy Samantha Knight, framed in the doorway.

“What the hell is going on, Josiah?”

“Ah, Samantha!”  Josiah made a little jump backwards at the sudden arrival of his fiancée, “How nice to see you again!  May I introduce Miss Lace?  Miss Lace, this is my fiancée and business associate, Samantha Knight”

“Pleased to meet you, I’m sure” Chantelle went to shake hands but Samantha brushed past her and advanced on Josiah.

“Never mind all that!  Why the hell are we still here?”  She seethed.

“I am no wiser on that point than you are, my dear” Josiah grimaced, “we have been informed that there is a problem with the equipment, but no more than that”

“Have you seen the time?  You do know that we have to be back at Merkin-under-Heathwood for the service just after noon?”

“Indeed.  However, as I have just been explaining to Miss Lace, the fact that Sir Lewisham is to be interred in the family mausoleum does allow us a little erm, leeway, should there be any delay in our arrival.” Josiah smiled weakly at his intended.

“Did you?” Samantha snarled, “Have you heard any of my voicemail messages?”

“I regret that I have not had the opportunity to hear all of your missives, my dear.  Our time, since disembarkation, has been somewhat full” Josiah tried to explain.

“Then, presumably, you have not heard my message telling you of the change of plans?”  Samantha frowned.

“Regrettably not, my dear” Josiah shook his head, “what changes would those be?”

“Well, in your absence, Lady Lewisham has received a full report, concerning Sir Lewisham’s demise, from the Spanish Police” Samantha folded her arms, “apparently, he suffered a heart attack whilst in flagrante delicto with some tart who claims to be a masseuse!”

“Ah!” Josiah pinched between his eyebrows, “I had hoped she might have been spared the more, erm, shall we say ‘sordid’ details”

“Well, she hasn’t!” Samantha shook her head, “what’s more, she’s livid about the whole thing and she’s decreed that he is to be cremated and his ashes thrown to the four winds.  The committal service is at 12.30 at the Merkin-Under-Heathwood crematorium.  If we’re not there, on time, we’ll not only miss our slot, but we’ll also have our reputation ruined right across the county!”

“I tried, and regrettably failed, to introduce you to Miss Lace, earlier” Josiah began, indicating his companion who was standing to one side and looking aghast, “Miss Lace has been an invaluable help in steering us through the bureaucracy inherent in moving a corpse from Spain to the United Kingdom…”

“Ah, so you’re Miss Lace” Samantha recalled Archibald’s comment, nodded and shook hands perfunctorily, “I apologise for my earlier rudeness”

“…in return for which, I have offered Miss Lace a lift back to the environs of her university so that she might seek an interview with her Course Leader in relation to the Ph.D. for which she is hoping to study…” Josiah explained.

“Very commendable” Samantha smiled, weakly.

“…Apropos her studies, as a means of augmenting her income, whilst she was studying for her Masters’ Degree in Spain, Miss Lace acted as a professional masseuse…”  Josiah further explained.

“Ah, I hope you will forgive my earlier outburst then” Samantha blushed.  Chantelle continued to look blank.

“…in which capacity, Miss Lace was very well acquainted with the late Sir Lewisham!”  Josiah concluded.

Samantha turned abruptly to look at Chantelle, open mouthed.

“You mean to say that you…?”  Samantha gasped.

“I was with Sir Lewisham when he died, yes” Chantelle nodded, glumly.

“Just for the record, Josiah, you do realise that we will have no time to drop any of your burgeoning coach party off before the service itself?”  Samantha glared at her fiancé.

“I am aware of that now” Josiah confirmed, miserably.

“And that, therefore, we will be transporting the woman who, arguably, killed Sir Lewisham, to be in the company of his wife at his interment?”

“I think ‘killed’ is a little…” Chantelle began, before being silenced by Samantha’s glare.

“I can see how that might be somewhat…indelicate” Josiah squirmed, “but, in my defence, I had no idea that Lady Lewisham had taken offence to such a degree, nor that there would not be adequate time in which to divert to Miss Lace’s final destination.”

“Well, that may be the case,” Samantha snarled, “but that’s still the hole that we’re in, thanks to you!”  She turned on her heel and marched, smartly, out of the door.

“Cremation?”  Chantelle said, hollowly.

“Apparently!” Josiah nodded, “Unheard of, for a member of such a fine old family, but you know what they say about a woman scorned…”

“I wonder what they say about a lover, scorched?” Chantelle mused, under her breath.

“Your coffin’s been released now, sir” A Customs Officer poked his head through the door, “Sorry for the delay, bit of a problem with the scanner, I’m afraid” The Officer brandished a wooden mallet as if by means of explanation.

“Thank heavens for that!”  Josiah said, with relief, “Come, Miss Lace, there is not a moment to lose”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that!”  Chantelle murmured, as they set off to join Archibald, and the hearse, at a rate of knots.

* * * *

 

In the yard outside, D.I. Wood and D.S. Stone were staring at a small blue car.  It was bulbous, bright blue and could possibly hold four very tiny people, comfortably, or one and a half normal-sized adults, uncomfortably.

“You’re having a laugh, aren’t you, Stoney?”  D.I. Wood managed, eventually.

“It was all they had, sir” D.S. Stone said, miserably.

“They’re pulling your plonker, sunshine” D.I. Wood observed.

“No, honestly sir,” D.S. Stone shook his head, vehemently, “I thought that too, so I got them to show me around their vehicle yard and…this is it!  Unless you want to borrow a squad car?”

“Leave it out!” D.I. Wood snapped, “How can we do undercover surveillance in a squad car?  I suppose you’d have us doing the full ‘blues and twos’ just to make sure they noticed us?”  He shook his head, despairingly, “What sort of speed are we going to be able to do in this Noddy car?”

“I presume that won’t be an issue, sir.  It is a funeral cortege, after all”

“It is a funeral cortege, after all” D.I. Wood mimicked, “you don’t honestly think they’re going to be doing ten miles an hour between here and…wherever is it they’re heading?”

“The local crem, possibly?  Or, I suppose, his family seat.  Don’t the aristocracy have mausoleums and things?”  D.S. Stone mused.

“Who knows?”  D.I. Wood shrugged, “Right!   You can do the driving.  I wouldn’t be seen dead in this, normally”

“In that case, there’s always the hearse, sir” D.S. Stone smirked as he squeezed himself into the bright blue car.

“Don’t push it, Stoney!” D.I Wood growled, “I’m not in the mood”

Now read Part 49

A Very Happy New Year to everyone on ABCTales and all who have been reading this series