A Candle and the Wind

“Mr. O.?” 

“Archibald?” Josiah Oakshott answered, warily.   Josiah Oakshott and Archibald Thurble were engaged in polishing the brass on a coffin, the intended occupant of which was currently resting in the Chapel of the same name.

“Have you heard of these complementary terrapins?”

For a moment, Josiah had the disturbing mental image of a turtle lifting a tiny hat in greeting.  He shook his head to rid himself of the illusion, which Archibald took as his cue to continue.

“Only it’s summat me Mam’s got into in a big way.  She keeps going “Ommm” all over the oche”

Josiah sighed.  Conversations with Archibald were always trying but this one seemed to hold particular challenges.

“I suspect, Archibald, that the term for which you are groping is, in fact, that of ‘complementary therapies’.  That is to say, treatments and practices which are meant to complement, rather than replace, normal medically approved interventions.  Would I be correct in my assumption?”

“Ah, yeah, that sounds about right” Archibald confirmed, still polishing earnestly, his tongue slightly protruding from one corner of his mouth, which always indicated serious concentration.  “You know about that style of thing then, do you?”

Josiah considered carefully before answering.  Stephanie Knight, his part-time Bereavement Counsellor and Celebrant (amongst other things) had recently been attempting to convert him to the concept of ‘mindfulness’, without a great deal of success.

“I have some knowledge of the topic” He agreed, warily.

“Only, I can’t make head or tail of it” Archibald shook his head, despondently, “and now me Nan’s got in on the act, well, I’d rather not be at home at the moment, that’s all I can say”

“Your grandmother has expressed an interest in complementary therapies?” Josiah asked, with some surprise.

“Well, only ‘cause she thinks there might be a bob or two in it.  That and her fartulence”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Fartulence.  She suffers from fartulence” Archibald explained.

“The word for which you are searching is ‘flatulence’, Archibald” Josiah said, wearily.

“Is it?  Only ‘fartulence’ seems a lot more like what it is”

“Trust me, Archibald.  Regardless of how it manifests itself in your grandmother’s case, ‘flatulence’ is what ails her”

“Oh, it’s the ale all right” Archibald agreed, readily, “after four pints of ‘Old & Filthy’ you wouldn’t want to be in the same room as her” Archibald considered for a minute, “or the same house, come to that”

Josiah decided that a slight change of subject might be in order.

“On what grounds does your grandmother believe that there is financial gain to be made?”

“Oh, well, she reckons that you don’t need all of these fancy ‘ow’s-yer-father’s to do the same thing.” Archibald took a break from his polishing and mopped his forehead, “like, f’rinstance, me Mam’s got this Lavender & Thyme essential oil thingy, what she heats up.  Doesn’t half pong!” He said, disapprovingly.

“Ah yes, Ms. Knight has gifted an oil burner to me.” Josiah blushed slightly at the memory, “I have not, as yet, had the confidence to put it into practice”

“Yeah, I thought she might be into that sort of thing” Archibald nodded, “only me Nan reckons she can do it cheaper.  So, she got a saucer full of 20W50 and shook a bit of mixed spice in it”

“Did it work?” Josiah asked, dreading the inevitable answer.

“Well, it did for a bit” Archibald conceded, “mind you, it were a ruddy funny smell.  Still, it seemed to be all right… just up to the bit where it exploded and took her eyebrows off”

“I did anticipate that there might be a degree of danger inherent in her actions” Josiah nodded.

“We haven’t been able to dig the saucer out of the ceiling, yet” Archibald commented, mournfully.

“Cutting corners is, perhaps, not always a sound idea” Josiah suggested, “My understanding is, that although it is termed an ‘oil burner’, the type of oil that may be heated is very specific and is usually derived from a natural essence of some form or other, hence ‘essential’ oils, meaning that derived from an essence”

“Right” Archibald agreed, although the vacant expression rather belied any real understanding. “Then there’s this ‘candling’ malarkey”

“Candling?”

“Yeah, ear candles.  Hasn’t your Ms. Knight had a go at that with you?” Archibald asked, mischievously.

“Not to the best of my knowledge” Josiah harumphed, “What, erm, does it entail?”  He asked, with trepidation.

“Summat about shoving a candle in your ear and setting light to it” Archibald frowned with concentration, “it gets out the moccasins” He explained.

“Moccasins?”

“Well, summat like that.  I wasn’t really paying attention when me Mam was on about it.  Stuff you don’t want in you, any road.”

“Would you be referring to ‘toxins’ by any chance?” Josiah suggested.

“Ah, that could be it” Archibald nodded, thoughtfully, “I didn’t think ‘moccasins’ sounded right.  Any road, me Nan had got half a dozen white candles she’d been keeping to one side in case of power cuts, so she decided to give it a go with one of them”

“I don’t quite see how this particular therapy is supposed to work?”  Josiah looked puzzled.

“Beats me!” Archibald shrugged, “me Mam reckons it draws up all the cr…” Archibald noticed his employer’s disapproving look and edited his comments, “…all the gunge out your ear and stuff.  Can’t see how that happens, to be honest”

“Seems unlikely” Josiah concurred.

“That’s what I thought!” Archibald nodded, vigorously, “and I don’t reckon, even if it did work, you’d be using a normal candle, like!”

“No, that does seem a dubious step to take” Josiah smiled, “did it have any beneficial effect on your grandmother?”

“Have any benny what?” Archibald frowned, “Oh, you mean, did it work? Not so’s you’d notice” Archibald shook his head, “apart from owt else, it set her hearing aid on fire!”

“Goodness!” Josiah stifled a snigger.

“You wouldn’t credit how upset they were up at the hospital about that!” Archibald shook his head at the memory, “they reckon as how she’s going to have to pay for a new one.  So, she told them where they could stick it, which I thought was chancing her arm, ‘cause the Colonoscopy Clinic was just next door!”

“I could have anticipated a robust response” Josiah agreed, wryly, “how will she manage without that assistance?”

“She used to have this old-fashioned wind-up gramophone, she’s nicked the horn off that” Archibald explained, “they don’t half play up when she goes down the Pictures with it”

“Probably not a long-term solution, then?” Josiah grinned.

“Nah, she’ll get fed up with it and then plague the doctors till they give in, I reckon”

“One would assume that would bring her dalliance with alternative therapies to an end?”  Josiah suggested.

“I thought so an’ all, but when I got home last night, I noticed all the stones had gone from our rockery, there was a weird smell coming from the oven and me Nan was wandering around in a flannelette dressing gown”

“Ah yes, a ‘hot stones massage’ I suspect” Josiah reflected on a recent memory, and blushed again.

“Is that it?” Archibald looked up from his labours and spotted the fading blush, “that would explain the screams I heard later then.  You had a go at that, have you Mr. O.?”  Archibald asked, archly.

“I erm, believe Ms. Knight purchased a kit for erm, experimenting with that practice” Josiah muttered.

“Yeah, I reckon you need the right things for the job” Archibald resumed his polishing, “Two cobbles, an edging stone and a few bits of old paving slab ain’t going to do it, are they?”

“I couldn’t possibly comment, Archibald.” Josiah said, sternly, heading back to his office.

“If Ms. Knight turns up with a set of knitting needles and a little dog, you’ll know you’re in for it” Archibald called after him, grinning broadly.  Josiah, despite his long experience, felt compelled to respond.

“In what way would that be, Archibald” He asked, wearily.

“Well, it’ll be for one of them Shih Tzu massages, won’t it!” Archibald said, cheerily.

“Shiatsu!” Josiah snapped, slamming the office door behind him.

“Bless you!” Archibald said, automatically, and returned to his polishing.
You can find a cornucopia of stories from Josiah and Archibald in the two collections of their adventures, each available as Kindle e-books at the laughable price of 99p each!

A Dubious Undertaking and other stories

Grave Expectations