A fly on the wall...and in the ointment!

 

Josiah Oakshott was seething.  It was an emotion he had often heard described but could not actually recall ever having experienced.  Most reasonable people, he reflected bitterly, would have expected this to be his natural state, being the employer of Archibald Thurble.

Currently, Josiah was standing at the roadside, dressed in the long, dark grey overcoat and black hat that was the uniform of his profession.  A fine rain was doing a sterling job of soaking him to the skin, ably assisted by a stiff and determined breeze.  He felt the way that a kettle on a hob must feel, immediately prior to boiling, a sensation not alleviated in any way by the sight of Archibald Thurble strolling down the lane, mobile phone in hand.

“I’ve got through to Egbert, Mr. O., and he’s on his way with the spare car” Archibald announced, cheerfully.

“Is that so?” Josiah replied, through gritted teeth.

“Yep, he’s bringing a can of petrol an’ all, so we can get this to the filling station” He nodded toward the black limousine currently parked on the grass verge.  Through the steamed-up windows, it was just possible to make out a group of sombrely-dressed individuals.  “You’ll be getting soaked standing out here, Mr. O., why don’t you go and sit in the car?”

Josiah turned and glared at his employee.  A lesser and more sensitive individual might have quailed at the sight, but Archibald just stared back, impassively.

“I am furious with you, Archibald!”  Josiah hissed, eventually, “the reason I am standing here, wet through, rather than residing in the vehicle, is because I cannot stand the looks of silent reproachment emanating from the mourners in the back.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry, Mr. O.” Archibald replied, confidently, “last time I looked in, they seemed happy enough.  The widow’s got a hip-flask from somewhere and they were starting a bit of a sing-song”

“That is as may be, Archibald, but it in no way diminishes the scale of your failure.” Josiah shook his head, miserably, “I give you one thing to do on a daily basis, ONE thing, and that is to ensure that the Company vehicles are topped-up with fuel at the end of each day, purely to ensure that embarrassing occurrences such as this DO NOT HAPPEN!”

“Yeah, it’s a bit of a bugger I must admit, Mr. O.”

“A bit of a…How do you propose I should explain this outcome to the mourners, eh?  At the very least, this is going to necessitate a substantial discount to our usual fees.  If I had my way it would be coming out of your wages, Archibald.”

“Oh now, steady on Mr. O.  That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?”

“No, I do not think, Archibald.  In fact, I’m trying my very best, at the moment, not to think at all because I’m afraid that, if I do, I might well commit murder!”

“Not the time to talk to you about my marketing ploy then?” Archibald murmured.

“What?” Josiah snapped.

“Marketing.  You know how me Mam thinks marketing might be my doo-dah”

“Forte?” Josiah replied, instinctively, and instantly regretted it.

“Forty! Yeah, that’s it.  Well, any road, I’ve had a bright idea” Archibald grinned, broadly.

“Rather than spend your time having ‘bright ideas’ your mental processes might be better employed with the more mundane tasks you seem to be incapable of fulfilling”

“Do you want to hear it?” Archibald asked, oblivious to his employer’s evident anger.

“Not particularly” Josiah snapped.

“Well, any road, it’s like this,” Archibald persisted, “You know how they have these documentary type of things about different businesses on the telly?”

“I rarely watch television and, on those few occasions when I do, I doubt that the type of programme you describe would be high on my list” Josiah replied, coldly.

“There’s been loads of them.  Airports, posh hotels even vets.  Once there was one about them lorries with the names on the front, you know what I mean?”

“I am aware of the haulier concerned”

“There was one about a brewery an’ all, but that was a bit cr…” Archibald noticed his employer’s expression, “…not up to much” He rapidly revised.

“How does this impinge on our work?” Josiah enquired, against his better judgement.

“Ah, now, I was coming to that.  You see, the way these programmes work is that they follow people round, doing their normal jobs and you see everything that goes on.  ‘Course, it helps that they always pick ‘characters’ to follow round” Archibald used his fingers to place quotation marks around the term ‘characters’, “An’ I thought, given as how we’ve got more than a few ‘characters’, it would work great in our place” He beamed with satisfaction at his insight.

“I think not, Archibald.”  Josiah responded, tersely.

“Oh, go on Mr. O.” Archibald pleaded, “I’ve even got a brilliant title ‘Stiffs! The view from the grave’  Good innit?”

“I prefer not to venture an opinion”

“This sort of thing would be brilliant for it, ‘course they always have these little dramas where they crack on that summat’s going to go badly wrong.  You know, they have someone saying summat like, ‘Josiah Oakshott needs to get these mourners home safely if he’s going to save the company’s reputation and get the bill paid, but there’s no sign of the relief car and the weather is turning very wintry’” Archibald did a passable impression of a voiceover commentary. “Puts a bit of drama into it, if you know what I mean?”

“I take it that this entire incident isn’t some warped attempt on your part to inject yet more drama into our already crowded itinerary?” Josiah asked with a degree of suspicion.

“Nah, but it just made me think as how it would make great television!”

“Possibly so, but not on my watch, Archibald.  Other businesses may be happy to wash their dirty linen in public…”

“I don’t think they’ve done a laundrette, yet” Archibald commented, thoughtfully.

“Or, to put it another way, to have their problems and shortcomings blazoned across nation television, but I would prefer that our few issues were restricted to those immediately affected.” Josiah wiped an accumulation of rainwater from his eyebrows and peered into the distance, “I rather think that Egbert is about to join us.  Perhaps you could relieve him of the fuel can whilst I guide our mourners to the replacement car?”

“You should give it some thought, Mr. O., I reckon it could be the making of us” Archibald suggested, as he plodded off to greet Egbert in the spare funeral car.

Some minutes later, after Josiah had, with profuse apologies, finally consigned the mourners to the replacement vehicle, Archibald plodded back with the emergency petrol can.  Josiah noted, with some irritation, that he had a broad smile on his face.

“I take it that you have found something, from your encounter with Egbert, to amuse you?” Josiah asked, sharply.

“Oh, it’s just that Egbert reckons you must be feeling a bit embarrassed, Mr. O.” Archibald chuckled.

“Well, in that regard, Egbert has shown remarkable prescience.  I am, quite naturally, mortified by today’s events”

“No, he didn’t mean about all that, well, not as such.” Archibald shook his head as the petrol glugged into the empty fuel tank, “he was on about how it was down to you that the car had run out of fuel”

“Down to me?  Whatever are you talking about?”

“Well, it had gone right out of my mind, but he reminded me that I wasn’t here yesterday afternoon, on account of you sending me over to Cadwallader and Carruthers to borrow their spare car”

Josiah remembered now that he had sent Archibald on this particular errand, largely in an effort to help his employee to have an, albeit fleeting, meeting with his betrothed, Electra, who now worked there.

“Ah yes, I do recall making that arrangement, now that you mention it, Archibald”

“And Egbert reckons, because we were so short-handed yesterday, you said as how you would see to the fuelling of the cars so that the others could get off home!”

Josiah experienced a distinct sinking feeling.

“Ah yes, I do, in fact, recall making such a statement” He nodded, miserably.

“You see, that would work just great in my television programme!  They would have a field day with that”

“Which is precisely why I would never agree to such a thing” Josiah said, with some relief, “I fear I owe you an apology, Archibald.”

“Nah, you’re alright, Mr. O.” Archibald replied, magnanimously, “it could have been worse”

“In what way do you come to that conclusion, Archibald?”

“Well, we could have been on the way to the crem., instead of on the way back”

“You have a valid point, Archibald” Josiah agreed, shuddering at the thought, “However, I feel I must make amends somehow.  We could pick up a small treat, perhaps something to eat en-route?”

“Now you’re talking, Mr. O.  I could go a bag of chips.  Ooh, or how about one of Dick’s Doughnuts?”

“If you must, Archibald, if you must” Josiah sighed, as they eased into the early evening traffic, reflecting, with some gratitude, that at least there wasn’t a television camera observing their every move.  The juxtaposition of Archibald with one of Dick’s creations did not bear thinking about!

You can find a lot more about Josiah and Archibald in the two 99p ebook collections of their stories:

A Dubious Undertaking and other stories

Grave Expectations