Frankie! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 53)

Continued from Episode 52 - 'Ashes to Ashes'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Episode 1 - Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, have been on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  Finally, they have delivered their charge to the crematorium and all that remains (as it were) is for the service to be conducted and for everyone to breathe a sigh of relief.  Simple, really!

 

Samantha took her place behind the lectern, surveyed the congregation, swallowed hard and began;

“Distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Sir Lewisham Carnock, Bart., DSO, FRSA, a loving husb…”

A distinct “Ahem, ahem” and a very pointed look from Lady Lewisham, seated in the first pew, stopped her in her tracks.

“We will sing the first hymn in your Order of Service, ‘Abide With Me’, would those of you who wish to stand, and are able to do so, please stand”

The congregation took the hint and the opening bars of the familiar hymn echoed around the chapel, supplied by the Crematorium’s P/A system. 

Samantha found some comfort and refuge in the well-worn words.  She noticed that Lady Lewisham was making a point of not singing, staring instead at the coffin with barely disguised loathing.  At the back of the hall she could just see, partially hidden behind the crowd, Josiah, Archibald, that odd couple from the limousine and that tart, the one who had been travelling with Archibald.  A very strange collection, indeed!  Then there were a couple of suited gentlemen who seemed to be taking a great interest in the congregation, rather than the service, stationed just by the door.

You could always make out particular voices, from her position at the front.  There were those who possessed a good singing voice, and knew it, and were more than happy to share their gift.  Likewise, there were also those who really shouldn’t sing at all, but didn’t know it (or didn’t care), and were also only too happy to share their gift (or lack of it).  Right now, she could hear a not displeasing baritone attacking the hymn with some vigour.  What was remarkable about this voice, however, was that it was not coming from in front of her, but to one side and behind her.  In fact, if she hadn’t known better, she could have sworn it came from the coffin!

* * * *

 

Frankie had been woken from a deep and refreshing sleep, firstly by someone knocking hard on the door at the end and then by some fool playing the church organ.  He rubbed his eyes and stretched as far as he could, but kept bumping into wood.  Very confusing!

Listening to the organ, he began to make out the tune, ‘Abide With Me’, one of his favourites.  He began to join in “…When other helpers fail and comforts flee, Help of the helpless, O abide with me.”

Ah yes, you couldn’t beat a good old classic like that.  You didn’t hear it much, not these days.  F.A. Cup Finals, if they still did that, and that was about it, oh, and funerals. 

Funerals?

* * * *

 

“Right, it’s ‘game on’ Stoney, so keep ‘em peeled” D.I. Wood whispered, “if anything’s going to kick off, it’ll be now or never”

“I’ve put a few uniforms outside, just in case” D.S. Stone confirmed.

“Good lad,” D.I. Wood nodded, “if it all goes off nice and quiet, we can always crack on we needed them to direct the traffic.  Now then, let the dog see the rabbit!”  He rubbed his hands in anticipation.

* * * *

 

A few paces away from the detectives, Josiah and Archibald were surveying the unfolding service with a sense of relief.

“Going alright, innit Mr. O.?” Archibald grinned.

“I am somewhat loath to be a hostage to fortune, Archibald, but I must concur that everything has gone according to plan, up to present, which is a most pleasing, and, I must admit, unexpected, turn of events”

“Is that the same as it’s going alright?”  Archibald frowned.

“Yes, I suppose that would be a reasonable summary” Josiah nodded.

* * * *

 

Funerals?

“Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day; earth's joys grow dim, its glories pass away.”

Funerals?

And he was surrounded by wooden panels, what was that all about?  Plus, it was getting bloody hot in here, wherever he was!

Funerals?

“Oh bloody hell!”

* * * *

 

Samantha was beginning to relax, now that the service was under way.  It should really be very straightforward.  Just the 23^rd Psalm and another hymn and that’s it.  None of this trying to concoct a convincing life story from the fragments of memories supplied by grieving relatives, or from an absence of any memories at all, if there weren’t any relatives left to grieve. 

Yes, all in all, it could have been a lot worse.  The coffin had been delivered on time, the mourners were blissfully unaware of any preceding drama and, very shortly, the whole thing would be over and done with.

“I fear no foe with thee at hand to bless, ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.”

She sang, with a slight, but confident, smile.

* * * *

 

‘It’s a bloody funeral!  I’m in a coffin at a funeral!  Hellfire!  I’M IN A COFFIN AT MY OWN FUNERAL SERVICE!’

Frankie began to pant and squirm.  The heat in the coffin was unbearable. 

‘Oh my god, they can’t have started to cremate me, already, can they?’

Straining, with all his might, he got his hands and feet against the coffin lid and pushed, as hard as he could.  The lid, which had never been firmly attached in all the time it had been there, hurtled into the air.  Grateful for the sudden inrush of cooler air, Frankie sat bolt upright.  He looked around.  There were rows and rows of people staring back at him, in horror. 

He did what he had always done in this situation, in bank raid after bank raid, down the years.  He grabbed the gun from his pocket, held it with both hands and yelled,

“DON’T ANYBODY MOVE!”

From somewhere, a female voice shrieked, “FRANKIE!!”

* * * *

 

In her years of acting as a Celebrant, Samantha had had to deal with many issues.  Principal mourners collapsing in a faint, was not unusual, or being so overcome with emotion that they couldn’t bring themselves to attend the funeral at all.  Drunken relatives singing all the wrong words and trying to grope her bottom, yes, she’d had to deal with that.  People who had come prepared to read a poem or a eulogy, but then found that emotion choked their voice, that was pretty common. 

A coffin lid flying off and the corpse holding the congregation hostage, that was a new one!

Samantha jumped, violently, as the lid sailed into the air.  She slapped both hands down, onto the lectern, to steady herself, and realised, to her horror, that she had just inadvertently pressed the button to activate the conveyor.

She was aware that, amidst all the commotion, a female voice had just shrieked, “FRANKIE!!”

* * * *

 

D.I. Wood and D.S. Stone watched in disbelief as the events seemed to unroll in slow motion before them.

The coffin lid flying into the air, Frankie Knight suddenly appearing like the Demon King in a particularly bad pantomime, some woman yelling “FRANKIE!!”, then the coffin suddenly starting to lurch along the conveyor.

“Stoney!  Stop that bloody coffin!”  D.I. Wood yelled, before opening the chapel doors and beckoning to the uniformed officers outside.  “Get in ‘ere, you lot, and don’t let anyone leave!”

D.S. Stone charged forward, fuelled by adrenaline, but with a sinking feeling that hurtling toward a man wielding a gun was not what he had signed up for.

* * * *

 

Frankie’s original feeling of satisfaction at having got this crowd of people under his control had rapidly ebbed away.  He realised that it was usually at this point, in nearly all of his bank raids, where it always went wrong!  It was one thing to have a collection of people quivering in fear at your every move, it was quite another to get beyond that stage.  What the hell did you do next?

Fortunately, that particular conundrum was solved for him. 

It is an unfortunate fact, and one much remarked upon, that, that which goes up, albeit with some considerable effort involved, must, eventually, come down.  This was particularly true of the coffin lid, which, having been ejected from its normal resting place at some speed, now made its hasty return.  Coffin lids, acting under the force of gravity, are no respecter of persons, as Frankie discovered when it hit him, with a resounding crack, on the head.

* * * *

 

D.S. Stone could hardly believe his luck when the lid came crashing down on the man who, up until a fraction of a second ago, had been pointing a loaded gun straight at him.

He flung himself forward, grabbed the arm holding the gun and slapped a set of handcuffs on it, whilst hanging on to the coffin with grim determination, in an effort to stop it taking his principal piece of evidence into the incinerator.  Nevertheless, the conveyor belt continued to drive the coffin forward, only now it also had a Police Officer attached to it.  D.S. Stone tried to dig his heels in, but the conveyor was stronger and he found he was still being swept along.

“Nice one, Stoney!” D.I. Wood grinned, patted him on the back and crashed through the staff door, to yell “SOMEBODY SWITCH THIS SODDING CONVEYOR OFF, NOW!”

There was the sound of people crashing around in a state of confusion, and then the conveyor stopped.

D.I. Wood, panting with the exertion, turned and looked at the assembled throng.  D.S. Stone, still attached to Frankie Knight’s arm, was curled into a foetal ball, waiting for the next awful thing to hit him.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please don’t be alarmed, the situation is under control” D.I. Wood managed, between gasps, indicating the handcuffed body of Frankie Knight, “can I just ask everybody to please stay in their seats, whilst my officers and I appraise the situation.  We will need to take statements from you all, so please stay where you are”

* * * *

“F…F…Flamin’ Hell!” Archibald adapted his exclamation when he remembered where he was, “what happened there?”

“I rather think we just witnessed our business speeding down the drain” Josiah replied, mournfully.

Archibald looked at Josiah with concern, then noticed something.

“’Ere, weren’t that Chantelle and them two off the ‘plane standing here, a minute ago?” Archibald looked around with a frown.

“Yes, I asked them to observe the proceedings from a discreet distance” Josiah nodded, with a deep sigh, lost in his own world of misery.

“Only…” Archibald looked around again and shook his head, “they ain’t here now!”

* * * *

 

“Bloody hell, that was a close one!” D.S. Stone emerged from his foetal position, breathing heavily.

“You played a blinder there, Stoney, well done!  There’ll be a medal in this, you mark my words” D.I. Wood beamed at his partner, then looked up with surprise.

“I take it that you two gentlemen are serving Police Officers?”  Lady Lewisham had left her pew and was now looming over them.

“That is, indeed, the case, my Lady” D.I. Wood bowed slightly.

“I assume I would be correct in presuming that the person in the coffin is not, in fact, my late husband?”

“That is also correct, ma’am” D.I. Wood nodded and blushed with embarrassment.

“And, do you know where my late husband is?”

“We strongly suspect he may still be in Spain, my Lady” D.I. Wood looked deeply uncomfortable, “but we are awaiting confirmation from our colleagues in Alicante”

“He remains in Spain, when he should have been on the ‘plane!” Lady Lewisham stifled a, slightly hysterical, giggle.

“Erm, yes, that would pretty well sum it up, ma’am” D.I. Wood looked questioningly at D.S. Stone, who shrugged.

“And this gentleman, now in your custody, who is he?”

“We believe he is an escaped convict by the name of Knight…”

“Frankie Knight?” Lady Lewisham supplied.

“That’s right, ma’am” D.I. Wood confirmed, incredulously, “do you know him?”

“Not at all, but I suspect our lady Celebrant does” Lady Lewisham nodded toward the lectern where Samantha was tidying her papers, “she yelled ‘Frankie’ when he made his sudden, and somewhat violent, intervention”

“Did she, now?”  D.I. Wood’s eyebrows shot up

Samantha, busying herself with paperwork to try and take her mind off the recent events, was suddenly aware of three pairs of eyes boring into her.  She gulped.

Check out the accompanying blog post

Now read on in Part 54