It's All In The Game - Part 2

In Part 1, Josiah was preparing for the Company Christmas Party and was being, as usual, interrupted by the well-meaning queries of Archibald.  In an unguarded conversation about romance, Archibald confessed his hopes for a girl who works in the chip shop and Josiah suggested that the provision of mistletoe at this time might be a way of guaging her feelings...

"This mistletoe lark works does it?” Archibald enquired, innocently.

“I believe it is traditional, Archibald.  Goes back to pagan times, I understand.  Whether it is really acceptable in this day and age is another matter although, I suppose if both parties are in agreement…”

“Only, I was thinking, perhaps we could have some here?  Wouldn’t really break your rules about Christmas Decorations would it?”  Archibald and Josiah had encountered difficulties previously with their opposing views on the appropriateness of Christmas Decorations in the setting of a Funeral Director’s establishment.

”Where would you propose to hang it?”

“Well, I suppose, the shop bit would be favourite”  Archibald said after a little contemplation.

 “I see.  Would it, then, be your proposal that I should launch myself on recently bereaved widows in a spasm of misguided lust, as part of our standard counselling service?”

“Well, no, perhaps not” Archibald reconsidered, “I suppose it could go in here?”

“In our main workshop?  Whilst I would have no objections to that course of action, it does seem to me that its utility may be somewhat redundant given that our workforce is composed entirely of the male gender”

“There’s Mrs. Higgins” Archibald pointed out.

“Mrs. Higgins is 75 and kindly comes in once a day to clean up after us.  I very much doubt that she would welcome the romantic attentions of the entire workforce of this establishment, any more than Mr. Higgins would!”

“From what I’ve heard of Mr. Higgins…”

“Archibald!”

“Sorry!”

“Coincidentally, our conversation dovetails neatly with a point that I was intending to make in my address this afternoon, to wit, that we must be more diverse”

“Die – verse?”

“Indeed, Archibald”

“Is that like we have in that sample book of poetry what people put on tombstones and stuff?  You know:

Herbert, we miss you ever so much,

We’ll keep your rabbit safe in its hutch”

“I don’t think that is actually one of our suggested couplets” Josiah observed.…”

“Or like:

Cedric, you’ve been gone for so long,

We didn’t know you were dead, till you started to pong”

“That is in very poor taste, Archibald!”

“It’s one of Egbert’s.” Archibald sniggered,”He comes up with them sometimes.  It gives us a chuckle when we’re laying them out”

“Hmm.  I can see that part of my address should focus on a reminder of the 4 ‘Ds’, the need for dignity and decorum when dealing with the deceased.” Josiah said, huffily ”no, by diverse, I mean the need for our workforce to better reflect the society which it serves.  To that end, I propose to actively recruit more women in the future.  Hopefully that might serve to stem some of the more infantile practices that have been allowed to prosper in our current culture, particularly Egbert’s digressions into rhyme!”

“Oh right, so the mistletoe could come in handy after all?” Archibald asked, hopefully.

“No! It would not be appropriate and would establish entirely the wrong tone.  My hope is that having ladies amongst the workforce would help to make us more empathetic and caring.  It should not be the prompt for an outbreak of lewd behavior and sexually inappropriate activities”

"Dunno what Egbert's going to make of it" Archibald grumbled.

"I neither know nor care what Egbert, or anyone else for that matter, is going to make of it.  It is high time this company dragged itself kicking and screaming into the 20th Century"

"Erm. it's the 21st Century, Mr. O." Archibald pointed out.

"I know that, Archibald, but we are dealing here with that which is probable rather than possible.  The 20th century will do fine for now.” Josiah took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down.  Conversations with Archibald invariably had this effect on him. “I think it is probably time to open the door and let in the ravening hordes, if you would be so kind, Archibald"

"Oh, ok Mr. O."  Archibald headed down the room toward the large oak-panelled doors. "By the way, Mr. Oakshott, do you remember that Reginald Merton bloke?"

"I do recall Mr. Merton, yes,  Archibald"

"He was a big chap wasn't he?  Must have been 6'8' easily.  He had a job getting through some of the doors when he came to see you about funeral costs, that time when he was doing his Will"

"He was, indeed, rather tall"

"But he was 3'4" when we buried him"

"I think that's something of an exagger..."

"Only, I've got one of those die-verses for him.  It goes like this:

 

"Remembering Reginald Merton,

Not lost, but gone before,

Which shows you should always make certain,

The lift's there, when you open the door"

 

"Archibald!" Josiah glowered at his employee, who was trying to stifle his giggles, somewhat unsuccessfully. 

“Another one of Egbert’s” Archibald explained.

Josiah made a mental note to have a serious word with Egbert, after Christmas.

"Oh, just let’s get the party started and get it over with" Josiah snapped.

"I was thinking, Mr. O., about cover on Christmas Day" Archibald said, as he prepared to lift the door latch.

"I shall be providing that, as always, Archibald.  It is a requirement of our service that we must provide cover 365 days per year and I regard it as my duty.  I would not expect anyone else to disrupt their Christmas Day for the firm's benefit.  At all other times we will, of course, have a skeleton staff operating'

There was a titter from Archibald.

"Yes, thank you, Archibald.  I am quite aware of the ironic nature of that term, given our profession"

"Only, I was thinking, if you like, I could do a bit on Christmas afternoon and evening, if that would help?"

"Well, that's very kind of you, Archibald, but surely you must have better things to do than volunteer to work here?"

"No, not really.  Once we've had the Queen's Speech, me mam and me Nan will be spark out and I get a bit fed up trying to hear the telly over their snoring, so I might as well do something useful.  Any road, this place is like home to me, so I think I'd rather be here"

"That's very kind of you, Archibald.  A little company would be most welcome" Josiah smiled.

"Merry Christmas Mr. O." Archibald said cheerfully, as he opened the doors.

"Merry Christmas, Archibald" Josiah took to furiously cleaning his glasses.  It was odd how they made his eyes water sometimes.

 

THE END

You can find last year's Christmas story featuring Josiah and Archibald in my seasonal collection of stories 'A Christmas Cracker'