Lying Eyes (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 33)

Continued from Episode 32 - 'Body Talk'

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  Waiting to board the ferry at Santander, Archibald discovered that the body of 'Sir Lewisham' had gone missing!  It was therefore fortunate that Amber should show up with a spare body on her back seat, which just happened to be the missing 'Sir Lewisham' (aka Frankie Knight).  Now the body is back in the coffin and they can both breathe a sigh of relief, or can they?

 

Archibald and Amber stood, side by side at the rear of the bright yellow van, staring at the, now re-occupied, coffin.

“Well, now that’s done, I suppose I’d better get my car back to our parking spot before someone steals it” Amber said, brightly.

“What, the car?”  Archibald looked puzzled, given that it was right behind them.

“No, the parking spot!” Amber said with some exasperation.

“Oh, right” Archibald nodded, “any road, thanks for helping out with all that”

“Oh, no problem” Amber smiled at him, “just glad we could kill two birds, as it were”

“Ahem, is there a problem?”  A voice behind them said.

“Oh God!  It’s not that annoying little berk again, is it?” Amber closed her eyes and counted to ten.

Archibald looked around, very slowly, and then said,

“Erm, no, it’s not” He nudged Amber, “Heyup, Mr. O., you’re back quick!”

“Thanks to the good offices of Miss Lace, we were able to complete the necessary documentation with considerable rapidity” Josiah beamed at his companion, “however, I wondered if there was a problem with our client as you and the erm, young lady, were staring so intently at the coffin?”

“No, no problem at all” Archibald said, hastily, and then mouthed to Josiah ‘IT’S HER!’ whilst pointing at his companion, surreptitiously.

Josiah looked puzzled until Amber turned around, whereupon he jumped back a little.

“Ah, dear lady, I had not anticipated that our paths would cross again so soon,” Josiah frowned, “or, indeed, at all!  I trust we have not managed to discomfit you again, in any way?”  He asked, with a degree of trepidation.

“Oh no, not at all” Amber shook her head, firmly, “I just spotted a familiar face across the car park and decided to come and say ‘Hello’”

“Yeah, ‘Hello’” Archibald nodded, looking decidedly shifty.

“And you drove over to achieve this, did you?”  Josiah raised a questioning eyebrow and indicated the small car positioned at the back of the van.

“Yes!” Amber laughed, a little hysterically, “I don’t quite know why?”

“I take it, from your presence here, that you, too, are hoping to leave on the ferry?  May I assume, therefore, you have decided to curtail your holiday?”

“I’m afraid so” Amber nodded, “my husband, Lawrence, has just gone to book our tickets”

“I would trust that you do not blame us, in any way, for this chosen curtailment?”  Josiah looked at her, quizzically.

“Not at all” Amber smiled, “unless, of course, it was you that left a corpse in my bed back in Castilliano de la Ribera?”

“Good Heavens!  Of course not!” Josiah looked shocked, “my colleague and I would never dream of doing such a thing!  It would be most unprofessional”

“You had a corpse in your bed?”  Chantelle asked, incredulously.

“Ah, pardon me, where are my manners?” Josiah flustered, “may I introduce my erm, associate, Miss Chantelle Lace?  Miss Lace, this is…I don’t think I ever caught your name?”

“Amber Hamble, Mrs.” Amber shook hands with Chantelle and eyed her, keenly, “Yes, it was the final straw for me, as you can probably imagine” Amber sniffed and dabbed at her eyes, “it was quite a shock and I really don’t want to talk about it, if it’s all the same to you?”

“S’funny you should come across another corpse, innit?” Archibald mused, dreamily.

“Another corpse?” Josiah looked puzzled.

“Oh, yeah,” Archibald, now completely at sea, blustered on, “I mean, like, on top of the one what we’ve got in the van, style of thing” By now he was blushing fit to burst.

“My dear lady…”  Josiah began.

“Amber” Amber reminded.

“My dear Amber” Josiah said, “I am very sorry that your holiday has been so spoilt and I deeply regret if we have played some small part in that situation.  Needless to say, if there is anything we can do to help, please let us know”

“Oh no, it’s fine” Amber put on a bright little smile and made to get into her car, and then stopped and said, “mind you, perhaps you could help?”

“How might that be?”

“Well, our car is, of course, in the airport car park, back in the U.K., but we will be disembarking in Portsmouth.” Amber explained, “which leaves us in a bit of a bind as to how to get back to it.  I just wondered if you might have any spare capacity to get us homewards?  You were leaving from the same airport, so I presume you’re reasonably local?”

“Merkin-under-Heathwood” Josiah nodded.

“Ah yes, that would be ideal.  We could easily get back to the airport from there”

Josiah chewed his lip as he considered this proposition.  He had made the offer purely out of politeness, never expecting to be taken up on it.

“Erm, well, I haven’t as yet had the opportunity to arrange precisely what transportation will be available for our arrival in Portsmouth” He began, reflecting that he wasn’t looking forward to the conversation with Samantha on the topic, “however, I am sure it should be possible to find sufficient space to accommodate yourself and your husband”

“And our luggage?” Amber nodded toward the sprawl of bags in her car.

“There ain’t so much of it now, of course” Archibald offered, vaguely.

“I beg your pardon?” Josiah frowned at his colleague.

“Erm, well, I suppose they must have used some of it, since they’ve been over here, so there wouldn’t be, would there?” Archibald shook his head and blushed, deeply.

“You haven’t been standing out in the sun too much, have you, Archie?”  Chantelle grinned.

Josiah sighed and turned back to Amber,

“I am sure we will be able to accommodate you, your husband and your luggage, my dear…Amber” He smiled, weakly.

“Well, that’s that sorted then!” Amber smiled broadly, jumped into her car and drove off.

“What was all that about?”  Chantelle asked.

“My apologies, Miss Lace, I had entirely forgotten that you would not have met that lady before”

“You wouldn’t want to, neither” Archibald advised, with a knowing look.

“She seemed fine, perhaps a bit forward” Chantelle said, “how do you two know her?”

“Ah, that is something of a long story” Josiah looked decidedly embarrassed.

“It was that business on the ‘plane what I told you about” Archibald explained.

“Oh, you mean when you said…”  Chantelle began to giggle,

“That we were all going to die, yes!”  Josiah said, miserably.

“So she…?”  Chantelle began.

“She was the one what kicked off about it” Archibald confirmed.

“Oh my!” Chantelle giggled uncontrollably, “so that’s why she’s blackmailing you for a lift home?”

“A little colourfully put but, yes, that is the nub and the gist of the matter” Josiah agreed, glumly.

“And what about this business with the corpse in her bed?”  Chantelle raised a delicately shaped eyebrow.

“I fear that erm, Amber, I would imagine, has a somewhat vivid imagination and a decidedly excitable nature” Josiah said, solemnly.

“You know that’s the sort of thing that men only say about women?” Chantelle looked sternly at Josiah, “are you saying she’s made all that up?”

Josiah blushed and swallowed hard,

“Not exactly” He squirmed, “however, you must admit that it does sound a little far-fetched”

“Hardly something you would just make up though, is it?” Chantelle suggested, and thought to herself ‘but it’s exactly the sort of dumb thing that Frankie would do, for a laugh’

“Well, be that as it may, we should get on.  We have our cargo to unload, the van to empty and return and we must embark in our own right” Josiah strode toward the van, hoping to have terminated the conversation.

Chantelle and Archibald watched him go.

“I’ll just shut the van up, Mr. O.” Archibald called after him.

“Did you get chance?” Chantelle whispered to Archibald.

“Chance?” Archibald looked perplexed.

“To check the coffin while we were gone?”

“Oh, yeah, it was…”  Archibald thought furiously, “fine, no problem, all present and correct” He confirmed, with a blush.

“You’re sure?”

“’Course!  Cross me heart and hope to…well, you know!”  Archibald decided that discretion was the better part of valour.

“Phew!  That’s a relief” Chantelle grinned, “I knew it was unlikely but, you know how it is, you get some strange thoughts sometimes, don’t you?  I’d convinced myself he’d gone wandering off somewhere!”

“No, not even for pizza” Archibald shook his head as he made sure the rear doors were locked.

“Pizza?”

“For example,” Archibald said, hurriedly, “or owt really.  No, he’s not been out for anything, certainly not pizza, absolutely not!”

“Ok…if you say so” Chantelle agreed, dubiously.  There was something up with Archie, she felt sure, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

Now read Part 34