Never Say Die!

Archibald Thurble was just making his way along the corridor of Oakshott and Underwood, Funeral Directors of discretion and distinction, when he heard a strident female voice announce,

“AND MAKE SURE YOU DO!”

Followed by the slamming of a door.  Such was his shock that a good deal of the cup of tea he was carrying ended up in the saucer.  He arrived at his employer’s door just in time to see a stout lady in a sensible coat, disappearing around the corner.

“Cup of tea for you, Mr. O.?” He asked, cheerily as he entered the office.

“Ah, Archibald, thank you.  The cup that cheers would definitely help just at the moment.”  Josiah Oakshott observed, as he took the beverage from his employee. “Although, I can’t help noticing that it is mostly the saucer that cheers, in this particular case”

“Sorry, Mr. O.  That woman shouting made me jump!”

“She had a similar effect on me, Archibald.  That was Mrs. Murgatroyd, you may remember her late husband?”

“Don’t think so, Mr. O.”  Archibald frowned and furrowed his brow in thought.

“Cedric Murgatroyd.  He was, latterly, a Traffic Warden in the town.  Always wore round horn-rimmed glasses” Josiah was aware that he was unconsciously miming the two round frames of the glasses with his hands in front of his eyes, which he realised was completely redundant as even Archibald would know what he meant by ‘glasses’.

“Oh, yes, I know who you mean now!  Me Mam…”

Josiah had been making every effort not to wince at this phrase but, so far, had not succeeded.

“…me Mam reckoned he always looked like a mouse that had had a nasty surprise”

“Mr. Murgatroyd did have an unfortunate countenance, that is true” Josiah conceded.

“Well, actually, me Mam said he looked like a mouse that had just been bug…”

“Yes, thank you, Archibald!  I don’t think we need to delve further into your mother’s powers of observation” Josiah interrupted before Archibald could continue further with his description.

“What’s up with his missus, then?”

“Ah, yes, Mrs. Murgatroyd is somewhat upset that I could not immediately accede to her requests with regard to her late husband’s funeral” Josiah explained, gloomily.

“That’s not like you, Mr. O.” Archibald pointed out, “you normally bend over backwards to help people”

“And I would be delighted to do so in this instance, Archibald.  However, I fear that there will be numerous constraints that will make it impossible.  You have, doubtless, heard of those enterprises that offer to analyse one’s DNA in order to determine your ancestral origin?”

“Oh, yeah.  My girlfriend, well my fiancée now” Archibald blushed a little, “Electra, she got us both a kit.  She reckoned it would be cool to see where we’d come from”

“Is that so, Archibald?  And what were the results, may I enquire?”

“Well, her lot are mostly from Southern Europe, apparently…”

“Ah, the hot-blooded Latin temperament, eh?” Josiah grinned.

“Yeah, well, she can be a bit of handful at times” Archibald agreed, “she doesn’t half have a go at me when she feels like it”

“How about you, Archibald?”

“Nah, not me.  I’m pretty even-tempered.  Me Mam says I’d have to have a brain to get upset!”

“No, I meant what were the results of your DNA analysis?”

“Oh, yeah, got you.  Well, apparently, I’m mostly me and summat.  Can’t just think of the word offhand” Archibald frowned with concentration.

“Me and?” Josiah considered this clue for a moment before an idea occurred to him, “not Neanderthal, by any chance?”

“Yeah, that’s it!  Quite a high percentage, they reckoned.  More than usual, any road”

“Fancy!” Josiah smirked.  “I wouldn’t give the results too much credence, however, Archibald.  From my understanding, whilst the actual DNA analysis is an acknowledged scientific process, the interpretation of one’s ancestral characteristics is by no means so well defined and, in fact, different results can be obtained by sending the same DNA to different agencies”

“Yeah, well, it’s just a bit of fun really, innit?  Any road, what’s this got to do with Mr. Murgatroyd?”

“A pertinent question, Archibald, as we do seem to have digressed somewhat from our original topic.  Well, it seems that Mr. Murgatroyd also sent his DNA for analysis and was heartened to discover that he had considerable Viking ancestry.  As this accorded remarkably with his own view of himself, it prompted him to retire from his long-standing occupation as a Traffic Warden and take to the seas”

“Strewth! I wouldn’t have thought it of him”

“Well, no, as a matter of fact, when he discovered what was involved in ‘taking to the seas’ he decided against that course of action.  As his widow informed me that he had been violently sick on the Liverpool to New Brighton ferry, on a particularly calm day, I think that he would have been ill-advised to have pursued that lifestyle.  Nevertheless, he felt the call of the ocean, so he sold their house and set up on a narrow boat on the Midgely Marina”

“I’ve always thought that might be a nice way to live” Archibald suggested.

“Not a mode of living that I would, personally, aspire to, Archibald, but each to his own I suppose.  Regrettably, Mrs. Murgatroyd shared my view of his choice but, as a dutiful wife, she went along with it.”

“Can’t see Electra just putting up with summat because I wanted to do it” Archibald commented, ruefully.

“Well, your fiancée is from a different generation.  One that believes, and rightly so, that she has as much right to determine your future living arrangements as you do.  Mrs. Murgatroyd, on the other hand, follows a more traditional path.”

“I dunno about ‘having as much right’, I reckon she’s going to tell me what we’re going to be doing!” Archibald remarked, gloomily.

“A lady of certain opinions, I’m sure” Josiah smiled, “but, returning to Mrs. Murgatroyd, the problem really arose on Mr. Murgatroyd’s unfortunate demise”

“How come?  Was is sudden, like?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes.” Josiah nodded, “Mr. Murgatroyd was, apparently, feeding some cygnets on the towpath when one of the parent swans took exception to his proximity to his or her young and knocked him into the canal with a blow of their wing.”

“I’ve heard they can do that.  I’ve always avoided swans just ‘cause of that” Archibald commented.

“Indeed, they can be somewhat unpredictable, despite their apparently docile exterior.  Regrettably, despite the lure of the sea being strong in his veins, Mr. Murgatroyd had never learned to swim and sank to the bottom of the Trent and Mersey without trace”

“Poor old Mr. Murgatroyd!  How did his wife take it?”

“Quite well, considering.  Apparently, she was in the galley, boiling a kettle to make some tea.  The noise of the kettle boiling quite drowned out (if you’ll forgive the expression) the tumult outside, so she was blissfully unaware of her husband’s unfortunate circumstances.”

“Must have been a shock, when she found out?”

“She told me that, on reflection, she wished she hadn’t put milk and sugar in both cups”

Archibald and Josiah considered this, silently, for a moment.

“What was she in such a strop about, just now, then?”  Archibald asked.

“It seems that Mr. Murgatroyd has specified, in his Will, that he wished to have a Viking funeral” Josiah explained.

“Does that mean we’d have to wear helmets with horns on them and stuff?” Archibald asked, cheerfully, quite relishing the prospect.

“No, Archibald.  What he had in mind was the type of funeral believed to have been afforded to a Viking chieftain.  It is understood that they placed the fallen warrior’s remains on his longboat, set fire to it and then commended the flaming vessel to the waves.  Mr. Murgatroyd has requested that his remains should be dealt with in a similar fashion”

“What, on his narrow boat?”

“Yes, Archibald.  He wishes his remains to be placed on his narrow boat and set on fire.  My task, as Mrs. Murgatroyd sees it, is to find a way of making this possible!”  Josiah shook his head, “quite how I am supposed to be able to persuade Midgely Marina of the desirability of this course of action, let alone the Canal & River Trust, is, frankly, beyond my comprehension!”

“Yeah, I see what you’re getting at” Archibald considered the problem for a while, “ooh, I know, you could shove him in one of those pleasure boats on the boating lake.  The teenagers are always setting them on fire!”

“Somehow, I doubt that would encapsulate Mr. or Mrs. Murgatroyd’s wishes, regardless of the difficulty of persuading the Council to permit such a course of action.” Josiah sighed, “I shall just have to see if I can dream up some form of compromise that will satisfy all parties”

“You’ll do it, Mr. O.” Archibald commented, supportively.

“I fear that these particular circumstances may strain even my powers of persuasion, Archibald.”  Josiah remarked, miserably.

“Never say die, eh, Mr. O.?”

“As a motto for our profession, Archibald, I don’t think I could conceive of anything less appropriate”

“I do me best, Mr. O.”  Archibald said, happily, as he made his way out of the office, content with another job well done.

The book of Josiah and Archibald's stories is available now for just 99p (or FREE on Kindle Unlimited)

"A Dubious Undertaking and other stories"