No, Ho, Ho!

A vicious gust of wind spattered the windscreen of the hearse, currently conveying Josiah Oakshott, Archibald Thurble and the late Zebediah Hinge, bound for the Arkwright Memorial crematorium, an establishment situated in the middle of nowhere, presumably because no-one wanted the grim reminder of a crematorium anywhere near where they lived and worked.

Josiah viewed the country road ahead of them with barely disguised loathing.  The sudden appearance of a cloud of fallen leaves, dancing in the wind, did nothing to lighten his mood.

“I have to say that I hate autumn” Josiah glowered and announced, to no-one in particular.

“Is that right, Mr. O.?” Archibald enquired, “I quite like it.  Them leaves just now, f’rinstance, pretty I thought”

“My view is more attuned to that of Thomas Hood, Archibald”

“That anyone I should know?” Archibald asked, skirting a particularly threatening pothole.

“Thomas Hood (1799 – 1845) was a noted poet, Archibald.  In the current circumstances, I am drawn to his poem entitled ‘November’ in which he wrote “No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,
No comfortable feel in any member“,  which, to my mind, captures the essence of the current season perfectly” Josiah said, grimly.

“Bit depressing that though, innit?” Archibald suggested.

“It suits my mood, Archibald.  I feel that Thomas Hood knew that about which he wrote”

“Oh” Archibald digested this information, “everything all right between you and Ms. Knight, is it?” He enquired, innocently.

“Everything is fine between myself and Ms. Knight, why do you ask?” Josiah snapped.

“Just wondered, seeing as how you’re a bit on the…”

“A bit on the what?” Josiah asked, menacingly.

“Well, the grumpy side, I s’pose”

“I AM NOT ON THE GRUMPY SIDE!”

“Alright, alright, if you say so!”  Archibald’s eyebrows shot up.

“I DO say so!” Josiah snapped.

“Fair enough” Archibald glanced at his scowling employer and then began to whistle tunelessly as they bowled along the bleak and windswept country road. 

A fraught silence filled the hearse.  Eventually, Josiah broke the tension,

“What really annoys me, apart from the weather and this stupid season, is that we are here, travelling miles out into the countryside, to convey Mr. Hinge to his final resting place, and we’re going to be the only ones there!”

“Not a popular chap then, was he?” Archibald asked.

“It’s not so much a matter of popularity, Archibald, more that he lived to such a great age, he outlived all of his family and his contemporaries” Josiah explained.

“Oh, right, I see” Archibald nodded.

“In addition, he was intensely dislikeable and personally obnoxious”

“Not got much going for him then?”

“Other than he had paid for his funeral in advance, no, not much” Josiah agreed.

They drove on, contemplatively.

“I s’pose…” Archibald began.

“Yes?” Josiah responded.

“I s’pose, if you’re in a bit of a mood, there’s not much point in asking if I can go half an hour earlier tonight?”  Archibald said all of this in a rush, as if in the hope that it wouldn’t be noticed if it came out quickly.

“You wish to leave half an hour earlier than normal?”

“Yeah, if that’d be ok?” Archibald looked at his employer, pleadingly.

“For what purpose, may I enquire”

“Well, you see, there’s this garden centre on the edge of town and they’ve got this Christmas Shop.  I promised me Nan I’d take her, only they close at 6 on weekdays and I’d struggle to get there if I went at me normal time”

“You wish to visit a Christmas Shop?” Josiah asked, incredulously.

“Yeah, it’s a bit of fun, innit?” Archibald grinned.

“Is it, by any chance, licenced to sell alcoholic beverages?”

“No, I don’t think so” Archibald frowned.

“Only you said that you grandmother would be accompanying you…” Josiah explained.

“Oh, right, I get your drift” Archibald nodded, “nah, I’ll drop her off at the pub after.  She just likes seeing all the lights and the stuff what moves and everything.  There’s a tree there what reads bedtime stories!  And there’s a bunch of reindeer singing barber-shop harmonies”

“Be still my beating heart!” Josiah muttered, sarcastically.

“And there’s this whole village scene with a model train going through it, and people going up on chair lifts and all sorts, I think that’s my favourite” Archibald smiled as he pictured the scene.

“Have you any plans to purchase something in this emporium?”

“Oh yeah!”  Archibald nodded furiously, “I like to get summat to put around the tree, you know?  Last year, I got this leaning Santa”

“A leaning Santa?”  Josiah looked at his employee, quizzically, “what does it do?”

“Well, it’s a Santa innit?”  Archibald explained, patiently, “and it leans”

“Is that the extent of its capabilities?”

“Yeah, pretty much” Archibald confirmed, “this year, I’ve got me eye on a brussel sprout doorstop”

Josiah looked at him with a wild surmise.

“I don’t really know how to process that piece of information, Archibald” He admitted, “I suppose my first thought would be that a brussel sprout would be inadequate to the task of holding a door open?”

“Oh no, it’s not the size of a brussel sprout” Archibald chuckled at the thought, “nah, it’s more like a football, only in the shape of a brussel sprout”

“I see, do I take it then that you have a door that must be kept open?”

“Nah, don’t think so” Archibald shook his head.

“Nevertheless, despite this lack of any apparent need for such an item, you propose to purchase a door stop in the shape of an unlikely-sized sprout?”

“Yeah, that’s it” Archibald grinned, “it’ll be a novelty, won’t it, a bit of a wossname”

“A what?”

“You know, a talking point style of thing”

“You anticipate that people, visiting your house, will be prompted into conversation by the sight of a giant brussel sprout NOT holding a door open?”

“Yeah, well I’d have to say summat if I came ‘round your house and there was this great big brussel sprout with a cheeky grin on its face, sitting in the hallway”

Josiah shuddered at the thought, “Are you telling me that this giant brassica has facial features as well?”

“Well, yeah, of course” Archibald nodded, emphatically, “it wouldn’t be a novelty else, would it?”

“It seems to me, Archibald, that the whole of society collectively loses its mind at this time of year, seeking, at it does, to purchase whole swathes of items which have no conceivable function or utility, and at enormous cost” Josiah observed, sourly.

“Yeah, it’s a bit of a lark, innit?” Archibald grinned, cheerfully.  “One year, I bought this miniature Santa what went along this chain affair, across the room, and then it was supposed to come back again…”

“How risible!” Josiah remarked, staring gloomily at the puddles as they sped past.

“Only, I’d bought it from this Clearance box, so I s’pose it weren’t quite right, ‘cause it didn’t come back right away”

“Is that so?” Josiah remarked, disinterestedly.

“Yeah, it kind of…jiggled!” Archibald gave Josiah a sideways look, “if you get my drift?”

“I cannot say that I do, Archibald”

“Well, it got stuck at one end of the chain and it kept sort of…thrusting, style of thing, until it finally managed to free itself and come back again.  Me Nan said as how it looked as if it were, erm…”

“Yes, Archibald?”

“Well, you know?”  Archibald’s face was now a bright crimson as he jerked is head sideways, in a knowing fashion.

“I regret that I do not ‘know’, Archibald” Josiah shook his head.

“Well, she reckoned as how it looked as if he was…doing himself a favour, if you follow me”

“’Doing himself a…”, oh, I see what you mean!” Josiah looked at his employee in astonishment, “do you mean to say that you had an onanistic Santa Claus decorating your house?”

“I don’t think it belonged to any particular religion” Archibald mused.

“What a ghastly festive scene that image conjures up!” Josiah shuddered.

“Oh, I dunno!” Archibald countered, “it gave me Nan a right laugh.  She was still chuckling about it come Easter”

They drove on, in silence.

“Any road, can I?”  Archibald ventured, eventually.

“Can you what?”

“Leave work half an hour early?”

“Oh, well, yes, I suppose so” Josiah agreed, reluctantly, “always provided that we get back to base in sufficient time for that to be practicable”

“Don’t worry, Mr. O., I’ll get me foot down” Archibald reassured.

“You will NOT ‘get your foot down’, Archibald, you will proceed at a speed commensurate with the laws of the land and with the intended purpose of this vehicle” Josiah snapped.

“Aw, but we won’t have Mr. Hinge in the back by then!” Archibald pointed out.

“Whether we are conveying the dear departed to their final destination, or not, it behoves us to conduct ourselves in a manner denoting some decorum"

“Right you are, Mr. O.” Archibald nodded, “only they can shift a bit, when they want to, these hearses” He looked at his employer, hopefully.

“I would not know, Archibald, and I sincerely hope that neither would you” Josiah said, pointedly.

“No, no, course not” Archibald said, emphatically, but turning crimson again all the same.