A Question, Of Sorts

Archibald, today’s designated driver, rather enjoyed it as the limousine edged its way through the town centre traffic.  It was great fun watching the other drivers giving way at every opportunity, whilst also averting their eyes, as If death was, somehow or other, contagious.

It was a warm day and Archibald and Josiah had taken the precaution of winding down the windows to encourage a refreshing breeze to flow through.  Archibald checked his watch and turned to his companion.

“Can we have the radio on, Mr. O.?”  He asked.

Josiah turned to stare at his employee.

“You do know the type of vehicle we are driving, I take it, Archibald?”

“Ooh, not sure to be honest!” Archibald admitted, “Ford is it?  Daimler maybe?  Or is it one of them Mercy D’s Bends?”

“No, Archibald, I was not referring to the make of the vehicle, nor the model.  I was, in fact, alluding to the function of the vehicle” Josiah shook his head, sadly.

“Function, Mr. O.?”

“Yes, Archibald, by which I mean, the purpose for which we use the vehicle”

“Oh, right, with you now!” Archibald grinned, “well, it’s a nurse, we use it to shift st…move the deceased” He corrected himself, speedily.

“A hearse and indeed we do, Archibald.  Therefore, we must act with proper decorum at all times, to show our respect for the dear departed.  I somehow doubt that we would achieve this, were we to have the latest tune reverberating from the vehicle for the entertainment of passers-by” Josiah had adopted what Archibald referred to as his ‘lemon-sucking’ expression, although not in his hearing, of course.

“I don’t think Mrs. Gonscher would mind much” Archibald nodded toward the coffin in the rear, “I heard she could be a right little raver down at the W.I.”

“The Late Mrs. Gonscher’s musical tastes do not enter into the matter, Archibald” Josiah snapped, “it has a great deal more to do with how we might be perceived by the general public!”

“Well, if you say so…” Archibald replied, miserably.

“I DO say so, Archibald” Josiah said, sternly, “anyway, why the sudden interest in the radio?”

“Oh well, it’s just that it’s that time of day when they do that pop quiz.  You know what I mean?”

“Ah yes, I have erm encountered it on occasions” Josiah nodded.

“Only, I like to listen to it, if I’m near a radio, you know”

“Not in the hearse I trust?” Josiah looked at his employee sternly.

“Oh no, ‘course not!” Archibald responded, quickly, but the tell-tale blush creeping up his neck told a different story, “I meant in me tea break, back at the shop, you know”

“Hmmm” Josiah replied, doubtfully, “I had no idea you were an avid quizzer, Archibald?”

“Oh, I’m not, not really” Archibald shook his head, “it’s just I like to have a go at it.  Not that I do much good, mind you.  I’m alright with the more recent stuff but half of what they ask about is before I was born!  I mean, Otis Redding, come on!”

“’Sittin On The Dock Of The Bay’, ‘Hard To Handle’ Josiah mused.

“Is it?” Archibald asked, disinterestedly, “I suppose you’re right, you might slip off and get drenched!”

“No, Archibald, I was recounting some of Mr. Redding’s more notable musical successes”

“Is that right?  I’d never heard of him!  Thought he might be summat do to do with lifts”

“I can see that the quiz might present you with some challenges” Josiah sniggered.

“I tell you what really gets my goat!” Archibald said, with some feeling, “when they’ve done with the quiz, right, they give them thirty seconds to say ‘Hello’ to people.  I mean, why do they do that?  It’s so BORING!!”

“I really have no…” Josiah began, but Archibald was in full flood.

“I mean, they’ve just said that the missus and the kids are listening in the kitchen, then the first thing they say in these ‘Hello’s is, “I’d like to say hello to my wife, Jane, and my children, Peregrine and Prudence…”  I mean to say, WHAT’S THE POINT??  He could just pop his head around the door and do it and not drag us into it, couldn’t he?”

“I would imagine that people rather like having their name mentioned on national radio” Josiah speculated.

“Yeah, but, I don’t see why?  I mean, it’s not like it’s going to make them famous is it?  No-one’s going to stop them in Lidl and say “’ere are you that Jane what got mentioned on the radio this morning?” are they?”

“Have you perhaps considered what the atmosphere might be like in the competitor’s household should he NOT mention his wife and children at the appropriate point?”  Josiah suggested.

“Oh ah, yeah, I can see if might get a bit frosty if you didn’t, sort of thing” Archibald conceded, “I just wish they wouldn’t bother at all.  I mean, they always finish off with “and anyone else who knows me”, what’s that all about, eh?”

“A handy catch-all phrase to embrace those you may not have included, I would imagine?”  Josiah speculated.

“Well, yeah, right, but if you didn’t think enough of them to put them in your list, why bother at all?”

“You may have a point, Archibald” Josiah smiled.  There was a brief pause in the conversation as they left the town centre and traffic speeded up, once more.

“Have you seen that television programme where them four strangers have to try and beat a professional quiz person?” Archibald asked.

“Ah yes, I believe it precedes the evening news, so I have caught the end of the programme, on occasion” Josiah nodded.

“That drives me up the wall!” Archibald said, warming to his theme, “I mean, them four have been knocking their pipes out all day to build up a pot of money and then they get pipped at the post and they take all the money off them!”

“Yes, I was aware of that.  It does seem a little…”

“Then they have the brass neck to ask them if they’ve had a good day!” Archibald spluttered, “I’d have him by the throat!”

“Archibald!”

“I mean, there’s up to four of them and it’s just down to who’s fastest on the buzzer as to who answers…”

“Archibald!”

“but there’s only one of the quiz professional, isn’t there, so him or her doesn’t have to worry about some idiot butting in and getting the wrong answer, does he?”

“Archibald!”

“What?”

“We’ve gone past the entrance to the crematorium!”

“Oh, sorry Mr. O.!”  Archibald pulled over to make a u-turn.

“I ask him to do one thing!” Josiah hissed, under his breath.

“They always said Mrs. Gonscher’d be late for her own funeral!” Archibald chuckled.

“I’m sure her family will be delighted that you have gone the extra mile on her behalf!” Josiah said, sarcastically.

“Oh, it’s not that far, Mr. O.” Archibald said, reassuringly, “it’s only a couple of hundred yards, if that!”

“Just drive, Archibald” Josiah sighed, “just drive”