Reach Out, I'll Be There! (Bring Out Your Dead series - Part 22)

Continued from Episode 21 - Summer Holiday?

The story so far (you can read from the start at 'Board Stiff!'):  Josiah and Archibald, our two Undertakers, are on a mission to Spain to collect the mortal remains of Sir Lewisham Carnock.  However, they have encountered quite a few problems en route.  Now, they have the body in the back of their van, Chantelle has agreed to help out with the driving and they are on their way to Bilbao to catch the ferry back to the U.K.  Yes, they're being followed by Detectives Wood and Stone but surely nothing else can go wrong now, can it?

 

As Josiah, Archibald and Chantelle set off on their journey, Amber and Lawrence were relaxing over a glass of wine, or two, after a rather enjoyable dinner.

"I really needed that" Lawrence sighed with pleasure.

"I know dear." Amber smiled, "have you stopped trembling now?"

"Oh yes," Lawrence said, thankfully, "you can't beat a good steak"

"I quite agree, dear. Whether it was a good idea to have rice and peas with it..." Amber viewed the wreckage of the table with some dismay.

"Mmm" Lawrence nodded and grimaced, "still, what a wonderful place, eh?"

And it was wonderful. Sitting on the hotel terrace, overlooking the harbour, they could see the dark blue and grey strips of the Mediterranean, pimpled with the twinkling lights of the evening fishing boats. A light, warm breeze, ruffled the fringes of the parasols, bringing a welcome relief from the remaining heat of the day.

"I do like it here" Amber agreed.

"I suggest we do nothing for a few days but relax. We've had quite enough excitement for one holiday" Lawrence said, stretching his legs out under the table and folding his arms contentedly.

"That sounds like a plan" Amber smiled, leant over and stroked his arm. "The car's safely tucked up in the hotel car park. We don't need to go anywhere or do anything if we don't want to"

"Thank heavens for that!" Lawrence agreed, with feeling.

******

Meanwhile, in the deepening gloom of the evening, a bright yellow van was, unknowingly, heading a small convoy as it laboured up the foothills of the first mountain range.

A discreet way behind was the hire car containing the U.K. detectives, desperately trying to stay close enough not to lose the van but not so close as to be obvious. Not an easy trick to accomplish when you comprise the only two vehicles on the road for miles

"I could have sworn there was something behind us, just now" Archibald said.

"There is, Sir Lewisham" Josiah muttered.

"No, I meant on the road, headlights and stuff"

"Well, if that is indeed the case, they will have to take their chance. I cannot cause this vehicle to proceed with any greater speed" The mention of headlights had stirred a well of annoyance in Josiah. The van's previous occupants had somehow reconfigured all of the warning signals into Swedish, which had led to a frustrating few minutes trying to find the controls for the headlights, causing incomprehensible warning signs to flash and beep every few seconds as each light on the van was turned on and off, except the ones they wanted.

"I must've got it wrong, 'cause I can't see anything now" Archibald replied, peering into the wing mirror.

There was the briefest and lightest of snores from Chantelle, whose head was resting on Archibald's shoulder. Their proximity was another source of annoyance for Josiah, although, as he reflected, he would have been hard pressed to explain why.

******

"I think we should go up, dear. It has been a long day" Amber suggested.

"Yes, I suppose you're right" Lawrence agreed, reluctantly.

A couple of flights of stairs, dark and cool after the warmth of the terrace, led them to their room at the front of the hotel.

"I have to say that Maria did us proud with this place" Lawrence said as he unlocked the door.

A wonderful view, across the harbour and way out to sea, greeted them. On the horizon, the lights of La Manga twinkled across the Mar Menor. The curtains rustled in the warm breeze as Lawrence and Amber stepped out onto their balcony, hand in hand, to admire the scene.

"You know, this is exactly what I had in mind when I first suggested this holiday. You and me, on a balcony like this" Lawrence sighed contentedly and hugged Amber to him. She snuggled up and laid her hand on his chest.

"It's like a little glimpse of Paradise, particularly after everything we've been through to get here" Amber said.

"Let's leave all that behind us, dear, and just focus on the rest of our holiday" Lawrence suggested and he drew a surprisingly unresistant Amber to him and kissed her gently on the lips. When she responded, he decided to take advantage of the romantic ambience and push his luck a little further. Kissing her with slightly more passion, he was hugely disappointed when she pulled away.

"Not tonight, Lawrence" she said, firmly, "but soon, I promise" she smiled up at him "I'm so tired, I just want to flop into my bed and go fast to sleep"

 "You haven't inspected the beds yet" he teased, "you always do"

"I'm sure they'll be fine" Amber said, drowsily.

The only disappointment about the room, from Lawrence's perspective anyway, was the provision of twin beds. Amber had drawn the line at trying to explain to the hotel staff that they usually slept in a double, particularly if that might involve a change of room. Amber had claimed the bed nearest to the bathroom 'in case I have to go to the little girl's room in the night', leaving Lawrence with the bed by the balcony 'if anyone climbs in, you can deal with them!'

Amber was true to her word. Having quickly undressed and brushed her teeth, her nightgowned figure flipped the duvet to one side and tumbled into bed, leaving Lawrence still trying to unknot a particularly reluctant shoelace.

"Goodnight dear" a muffled voice from under the covers muttered.

"Goodnight Amber, sweet dreams" Lawrence responded automatically.

There was a silence, broken only by Amber's increasingly rhythmic breathing. Lawrence finally prised his foot from one deck shoe and prepared to do battle with the other.

"Lawrence!"

"Yes, my love?"

"Not now"

"I don't know what you mean, dear?"

"You know very well what I mean. I said ' not now' and I meant it"

"I know you did, dear" Lawrence was puzzled.

"Then why have you got your hand on my B.T.M.?"

"I don't have my hand on your bottom, dearest" Lawrence protested.

"Then what is...?" Amber began, as she turned over and flipped the duvet aside.

There is a long-standing convention in film and television drama, in which, on encountering something surprising and horrific, the average female (and the subject is always female) will scream uncontrollably. Common sense would indicate that this is not what happens in real life. On encountering something bizarre and horrific, the human brain is at first nonplussed, then curious. We do not naturally assume that a prone body, even one surrounded by blood, other matter and the odd blunt instrument, must necessarily be a corpse. However, a yellowing withered hand and arm, protruding from the drawer of a divan bed and encroaching onto the bed itself…that’s something else.

Amber stuck with convention.

She screamed!

Of course, there are screams... and then there are screams. Amber's was in the latter category, chilling the blood of every man, woman and child in the whole of Castilliano de la Ribera and surrounding district.

******

D.I. Wood suddenly started from his previously peaceful slumber.

"Did you hear that, Stoney?" He looked around, wildly.

"Hear what, sir?"

"That awful noise. Sounded like someone with his bits caught in a mangle!"

“A mangle, sir?”  D.S. Stone looked puzzled.

“Gawd!  Don’t they teach you graduate entry lot anything?  It was a couple of rollers they used to use back in the day to get all the water out of the washing.  Sort of early spin-dryer.”

“Bit before my time, sir” D.S. Stone smirked.

“Yeah, well, me too” D.I. Wood blustered, “I think my gran told me about it”

"Anyway, I don’t know what it could have been, sir. Perhaps the fan-belt or something, slipping on the car? I don't think it was designed for hills like this"

"You're not joking, are you? Can't it go any faster? We'll be back where we started at this rate!"

"Not without catching up with the van, we can't. They're going slower still"

"You know, when I started out, I was in motorway patrol. Bloody marvellous it was! Belting along at a ton or more, especially when they radioed to say the fish and chips had turned up in the control room" He looked out at the road creeping along beside him, "reckon I should have stayed there" he muttered, bitterly.

Now read on in Episode 23