Shall Life Inherit! - Episode 15

‘This’ thought Sergeant Herbert Norris, “is how the modern Watch should operate!’

He was particularly pleased with himself.  His policy of patient questioning and the gathering of information had paid dividends.  All the indicators said that this building was where the two wanted women could be found, and they would be!

Admittedly, he had been somewhat annoyed that two of his men had let these miscreants out of their grasp earlier, but they had, it must be said, done the right thing.  If they had tried to apprehend the women immediately after one had just injured herself and, for that matter, in the middle of a crowd, there was no telling what might have happened.  Instead, by the careful application of questioning and listening, he was now about to apprehend his prey.

He pounded the pommel of his sword against the old door and announced, in, what he hoped were, ringing and authoritative tones:

“Open up for Officers of the Watch!”

There was no immediate reaction and he felt a little embarrassed that his men were all standing around, watching him, and waiting for something to happen.  He knew what his Commander would say, ‘Just get the damn door down, Norris, and worry about who’s in there later!’ but he liked to think that he had brought a more thoughtful, intelligent approach to Watch practice.  Nevertheless, if something didn’t happen soon, he would be a laughing stock.  He was just about to pound on the door again, when it suddenly opened, leaving him unbalanced.  He very nearly fell into the arms of the resident, who appeared to be a clergyman.

“Oh, strewth! Good day, Father” Sergeant Norris managed, as he fought to remain upright.

“Good day to you, my child.  How m…m…may I assist you?”

“We’re looking for two women” Private Birch announced, much to Sergeant Norris’s annoyance.

“I’m afraid this is n…n…not that sort of establishment, gentlemen” The Parson shook his head, sadly, “I believe there is s…s…somewhere a little further down the street that m…m…might m…m…meet your needs”

“Not women in that sense, Padre” Sergeant Norris began, glaring at Private Birch who avoided his gaze, “we’re looking for two female criminals and we have information that they are a-lodging ‘ere.”

“I f…f…fear you are m…m…mistaken, gentlemen.  I have seen n…n…no criminals, m…m…male or f…f…female”

“Are you entirely sure, sir?” The Sergeant was making a supreme effort to be polite.  He was never entirely comfortable dealing with the clergy.

“Quite sure, Sergeant” The Parson nodded. There was something about him that seemed very familiar to Sergeant Norris but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.  Apart from anything else, it was impossible to see his face properly under the wide brim of his hat.

“If we could just take a look inside, sir…” The Sergeant began, and started to make his way through the open door.

“That would n…n…not be possible, Sergeant” The Parson barred their way with his arm, “you see, I am visiting a p…p…parishioner on his sick bed”

“Won’t take a minute, Padre” Sergeant Norris attempted an engaging smile but it came over as more of a distressing leer.

“oooaaaarRRRRGHH” A frightful noise echoed down the stairs.  Sergeant Norris and his men took a step back.

“What the heck was that?”  Private Birch asked, wide-eyed.

“I should have said, gentlemen, that I have d…d…delivered the f…f…final sacraments”

“OOOOaaaRRRRghhAAAGH”

“What ails yer…parishioner?” Sergeant Norris asked.

The Parson appeared to be deep in thought, as some moments elapsed before he answered.

“The…ague?” He offered, eventually.

“Ague?”  Sergeant Norris replied, in some disbelief, “I didn’t know ague took yer like that!”

“AAAArrrGGHHooooOOOW”

“Apparently, it d…d…does” The Parson observed.

“Is it…is it catching?”  Private Birch asked, from the relative safety of some yards away.

“Who can tell, my child?” The Parson spread his hands widely and shook his head, mournfully.

“Only, yer might get it yerself!” Private Birch pointed out, reasonably.

“I am protected by the power of the Almighty” The Parson responded.

“Werl, I ain’t” Private Birch decided, “and I ain’t goin’ in there where there’s ague an’ stuff.  I still ain’t got me ‘and right from ‘er bitin’ it, so I ain’t riskin’ nowt else”

“Private Birch, yer will do as yer ordered!”  Sergeant Norris snapped.

“No I bloody won’t!” Private Birch snapped back, “’ow about you lads?”  He looked around his colleagues, who shook their heads and took a few paces back.

“AAAARRRRGGGHHHoooooOOOOHHH, JESUS!”

“A soul in t…t…torment!” The Parson observed, with sadness.

Faced with an impending mutiny and, in the face of the harrowing sounds echoing down the stairs, Sergeant Norris made an executive decision.

“Clearly our information was incorrect, yer holiness” He began, “sorry to ‘ave troubled yer, sir.  We’ll leave yer to yer ministrations”  It was knowing words like ‘ministrations’ that separated him from the Private Birches of this world, he thought.

“B…b…bless you, my b…b…brethren” The Parson made the sign of the cross and shut the door with alacrity.

Sergeant Norris turned to look at his troop with barely disguised contempt.

“Right, yew ‘orrible lot!  As they ain’t ‘ere, yer can get yerselves knockin’ on every door from ‘ere to the ‘arbour until yer DO find ‘em, alright?”  He glared from one to the other, daring someone to object.

“Do we ‘ave to knock down this street an’ all, Sarge?” Private Birch ventured.

“No, we do not ‘ave to knock down this street, Private, because we ‘ave already knocked down this street an’ that is ‘ow we come to be a-wastin’ our time bangin’ on this DOOR!  Do I make myself clear, Private?”  He yelled, turning ever more purple with the effort.

The Watch nodded, miserably.

Parson Brown quickly ascended the stairs, despite the deafening noise coming from the room above.  Gwladys popped her head around the ‘screen’ and looked at him.

“Have they gone?”  She asked.

“For the moment, but that Sergeant is a determined sort.  We may not have seen the last of them”

“Well, we’ve got other fish to fry ‘ere” Gwladys snapped, “Ethel, yer need to get yerself in ‘ere, sharpish!”

“Me?”  Aefelthrith looked perplexed.  She had been making rather a long job of boiling some water.

“Well, ‘e’ll be no bloody use!” Gwladys nodded toward the ‘Parson’, who looked suitably relieved.

Aefelthrith miserably trudged behind the ‘screen’ to join Gwladys.

“I don’t know what I can do…” She began.

“Yer can get yerself  up by ‘er ‘ead and ‘old ‘er ‘and” Gwladys ordered, “won’t be long now, Dolly, I reckon I can see the ‘ead!”

“The head?  Where can you see a head?”  Aefelthrith looked puzzled.

“Down ‘ere, where else?” Gwladys frowned.  Aefelthrith, still clutching Dolly’s hand, attempted to peer down at where Gwladys was crouching.

“EEEEEEEAAAARRRGH” Dolly contributed to the debate.

“Well done, gal!  That’s the ‘ead out.  Now just relax a bit an’ take a nice deep breath”

“Ewww, that’s awful!”  Aefelthrith had finally spotted the head.

“Don’t talk so daft!” Gwladys snapped, “it’s beautiful, that’s what it is!  Now, Dolly, I want yer to give me a big push, right down to yer arse, and we’ll have this little one out”

Dolly pushed.  Aefelthrith screamed.

“She’s crushing my hand!”

“Oh give over! You ought to be in ‘er shoes” Gwladys nodded to the heaving Dolly.

“I shouldn’t!”  Aefelthrith screamed.

There was a sound like a wet towel hitting a wall, followed by a prolonged cry.

“Yer’ve got a little boy, Dolly!” Gwladys beamed.

There was a huge thud from the other side of the ‘screen’.

“Gawd, I ‘ope that’s not the Watch back!”  Gwladys groaned.

Aefelthrith extricated herself, with some difficulty, from Dolly’s clutches and peered around the ‘screen’.

“Not the Watch, no” she announced, “you’ve heard of the Parson’s Nose?”

“Oh yeah” Gwladys replied, busily wiping down and swaddling the baby.

“Well, it’s pressed against the floorboards at the moment” Aefelthrith observed.

To make sense of this story, you really need to catch up with the entire Collection:

The Chronicles of a Lady (and her Maid)